Personal Growth By Mark Tong Confess. Do you keep on making promises your heart can’t keep? Yes, I know, it’s difficult to say ‘no’ to people. Let me ask you: Are you constantly trying to please everyone except yourself? Your family? Your kids? Your boss? Maybe you are struggling to say no without feeling guilty or creating conflict. The truth is…we are all people-pleasers to some extent. But if you are trying to please everyone, if you are always putting yourself last, then you have a problem – you have the ‘Disease To Please’. Is this you? ‘When I say ‘no’ I feel guilty?’ ‘ I don’t know how to build confidence or boundaries’. ‘I don’t know when to say yes, how to say no’. The answer is to stop trying to please everyone, find how to build confidence and learn specific techniques to say no. If you can do this, you will reclaim your freedom, peace of mind and life. So how do you find the resolve to do just that? By understanding, really understanding, what you lose every time your mouth says ‘yes’, but your heart says ‘no’… The Hidden Cost Of Yes The list below isn’t meant to criticize or depress you, it’s to inspire you. By recognizing what you really lose, you can find the resolve to reclaim your life and say ‘no’, just as I have. There’s probably more that could be added to the list, but these are the things that have the greatest impact on your self-esteem and confidence and therefore your life and happiness. 1. You lose self-respect. Every time you say “yes, okay” when you mean “no, I don’t want to” your own desires are being steamrollered by what someone else wants. But your desires don’t go away just because you push them to the back of the queue. They hang around discontentedly, festering in the background. Heck, they burn through your self-respect with ever-present nagging reminders you didn’t get what you wanted. You gave in to someone else’s demands… again. And there’s worse… You likely feel resentful when it feels like someone is taking advantage of you. When they ask too much, too often. It doesn’t feel good to be used, to be taken advantage of, right? And the real killer of your self-respect is the realization that there is manipulation going on. But wait, it’s not necessarily them doing the manipulating. You see by always saying ‘yes’ you inadvertently set the rules for the way you should be treated – simply by the way you treat them. By always meeting their requests, you’ve said “Hey, that’s absolutely okay, go ahead – keep asking!” In fact, consciously or not, you’re often the one doing the manipulating. 2. You lose other people’s respect. It maybe subconscious but over time, others begin to stop thinking about your feelings, wishes, even your rights. Why? Because you’ve never given them any reason to consider these. By saying ‘yes’ repeatedly you’ve created an association with what they want, not with what you want. And that link grows ever stronger with each ‘yes’ you give them. 3. You lose trust. All of those ‘yeses’ you said, they sounded genuine enough, wouldn’t you say? You certainly tried not to begrudgingly agree. You aimed to smile, not grind your teeth. But however hard you try, hiding what you think isn’t telling the truth. And as human beings, we hear alarm sirens when we sense that someone is being in any way false. It’s harsh because you’ve said ‘yes’ to be helpful, to be considerate, maybe even to flatter their ego. However the message they received is something altogether different. They know something doesn’t smell right, and they soon lose trust in you. And the reality is, it’s often well founded. You see when you’re a serial people-pleaser, juggling all those ‘yeses’ in the air, you’re bound to drop one…and then another. You’re so overstretched, so overwhelmed that eventually you let them down. And because up to then you’ve proved so reliable, they’ve learned that they can ask you to do stuff that’s super important to them. So when you do eventually have to let them down, you let them down hard. And the trust they had in you dies right there. 4. You lose time to do the things you love. Your to-do list is close to impossible, but that’s seriously old news, I know. The things you love to do can take a hike because there are no minutes, let alone hours, left. Your hobbies, your passions, all your just-for-fun activities, they’re never going to feature. If you’re going to keep on saying ‘yes’ the kindest thing is to say goodbye to them one last time and dump them in the trash can. 5. You become less lovable in your mind. There are some great people you want to admire and respect you, just as you do them. You see the way they’re making the life they want. How they’re following their dreams and standing up for what’s important to them. You hear them saying ‘no’ and wish you could too. You ache for them to see how similar you are really, how great you could get on. Yet they seem disinterested in you. You’re just another blip on their radar. And that totally eats away at how likeable and lovable you feel. But they’ll never recognize the wonderful you if you keep hiding under all those ‘’yeses’’. 6. You lose self-confidence & others lose confidence in you. Saying what you think others want to hear seems a nice way to make them feel good. In theory it should also help to eliminate conflict. No one wants to be seen upsetting people and causing conflict, do they? That’s just a breeding ground for guilt. It’s a mean trick of life though that it doesn’t actually work out that way. The truth is often when people confide in you, they’re silently asking for your advice. If you’re just nodding blindly and saying ‘yes’, most people pick up on that. The upshot is they don’t really feel that much better. Or that much nearer a solution to their problem. So next time, they avoid you and confide in someone else. Being confided in shows that someone trusts and respects you. And when they don’t, your self-esteem and confidence take a nosedive. 7. You become more resentful. Constantly putting others first seems selfless, decent, considerate and oh-so many other things we all want to be. Going out of your way for someone no matter what you had planned, should make you feel great, surely? Yes, to a point. But after that point, those feelings can quickly turn to resentment. Especially when you’re disappointed that you didn’t get what you wanted because you’re too busy getting them what they wanted. Hey, that’s natural and normal. Don’t beat yourself up. However resentment is very corrosive and soon burns a hole in any belief you had that they like you for who you are. You imagine they only like you because you say ‘yes’ to their every request And that’s going to skyrocket your resentment. 8. You hate the things you used to love. Remember those things you use to enjoy? Somehow they now seem a chore, a grind. Saying ‘yes’ too often has tarnished the whole experience. Maybe you used to bake or do graphic design because you have a flair that made it satisfying and fulfilling. But that flair became irresistible to others. They called on you each and every time. Now you dread being asked. You wished you’d never offered. Ever. And maybe it’s gone on so long you’re not even sure any more if people actually like what you do. Perhaps your efforts are just seen as something free and easy they don’t need to pay for And now you feel like never baking another cake or designing another poster. It’s sucked all the fun out of it. 9. You deny yourself the opportunity to do the right thing. You’ve had good reason to forever say ‘yes’ so far because it’s been your failsafe against guilt. But when saying ‘yes’ means going against your principles you’re caught in the guilt grinder. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Or so guilt tells you. In fact, it’s not true. Because the former brings on false guilt and the latter real guilt. And I know which one I’d rather deal with. It’s time to stop your mouth making promises your heart can’t keep. Add up all the hidden costs of saying ‘yes’ and realize – you simply can’t afford it. So if you’re interested in learning: How to overcome lack of confidence and be more assertive. How to say ‘no’ without guilt or conflict (even to difficult people) How to grab back control of your life to have the time to do what’s important for you (with the people that are important to you). Then I’m super excited to let you know my book, The Life-Changing Power of NO! is now available on Amazon! And it’s at a special promo price of $0.99 for the next 3 days only – just tap or click here to download it. Here’s what a few people have said about the book: This book is a game-changer. After reading it, you’ll understand what drives us to say yes, realize the huge cost of not saying no, and learn how to say no gracefully in diverse circumstances.~Mary Jaksch, (goodlifezen) The information is easy to digest and is packed with easy to implement strategies and tactics. ~Stefany Land (Gems Of Happiness) I loved the tools I’ve taken away. Especially all the ways to say ‘no’. So good! ~Mandy,(a subscriber and reader) The goal of this book is simple: To teach you the habits, actions and techniques to stop pleasing everyone except yourself. You’ll also learn how to build confidence, be more assertive and learn to say no without guilt or conflict. In addition you’ll discover: Why Lack of Self Confidence Makes You Say Yes – And What To Do About It. How To Break Guilt’s Powerful Hold By Being More Assertive. A Simple 3 Step Formula For Finding The Resolve To Say No. How To Say No And Be Heard, even with a lack of self-confidence. The 5 Point Feel Good Checklist For Saying No Without Conflict. How To Say No Without Saying The Word No. 6 Steps To A Foolproof No (Even With Difficult People). What To Do When They Won’t Accept Your No. How To Build Your Confidence And Keep Your No In The Long Run. And also dozens of word for word scripts you can adapt for any situation – just tap or click here to download it. The Life-Changing Power of NO! is full of tips and exercises that will have an immediate effect on your confidence and ability to stand up for yourself and say no! And instead of just explaining how to build your confidence, be more assertive and say no effectively and without confrontation, The Life-Changing Power of NO! includes dozens of word for word scripts you can adapt for any situation. Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. – Josh Billings But is all the apparent conflict and pain of saying ‘no’, worth it Well, imagine how it would feel. Go on, close your eyes… Just picture how much more at ease you would be. How much ‘me’ time you would have clawed back How much more confidence and self-esteem you’d have.