Photo by Sklathill

How often have you heard, ‘Fake it till you make it’? It’s recommended behaviour. We’re supposed to pretend until we are the real thing.

I recently was at a conference and listened to a motivational speaker. He told people how happy he was, how successful he was. He boasted of his Porsche, his million dollar mansion, and hauled his young, blond wife on stage to show her off as one of his trophies. The audience was ecstatic. All except me, that is.

Because my teeth were on edge and all I could think of was, “Fake, fake, fake!” I could see the whole thing for what it was: a class act. It wasn’t real. This was not a happy man, not a kind man. I could feel that deep down he was troubled, angry, and deceitful.

What about caring for others? Is it acceptable to fake kindness, or love?

Seth Godin, a well-known blogger suggests that ‘pretending you care’ is an acceptable alternative to showing that you don’t. Is it really?

He goes on to say: If people start out pretending to care, next thing you know, they actually do care. They like the positive feedback and they like the way being kind makes them feel. It spreads. It sticks.

That’s the theory of  ‘fake it ‘til you make it’: at first you pretend, and then it turns into the real thing.
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Putting on a happy face
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The Huffington Post recently interviewed social psychologist Fred B. Bryant:

Putting on a happy face–even if you don’t feel like it–actually induces greater happiness, says Bryant. So be exuberant. Don’t just eat the best peach of the season–luxuriate in every lip-smacking mouthful. Laugh aloud at the movies. Smile at yourself in the mirror.

I’m sure we’ve all met people like that. You ask them, “How are you?” and they bare their teeth in a fake smile and say, “I’m fine!”

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Affirmations

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Have you ever tried affirmations? They’re another way of ‘faking it ‘til you make it’.  People trying to slim down, look in the mirror and say to themselves, ‘I’m slim and beautiful!’, even though they can see the bulges and sags. We are lying to ourselves and there is a wise part within that knows a lie when it hears one.

We are trying to brainwash ourselves.

(Having said that, there are ways of using affirmations that don’t go down the road of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’. That’s if we focus on the inner knowledge that we have everything that we need for success.)

Dr Annie Kaszina  states:

Before very long, “faking it” has created a new, authentic experience of your desired state.

Does faking it create an ‘authentic’ experience?

Does pretending to be kind lead to kindness?

Does pretending to be happy lead to happiness?

Does pretending to care lead to love?

Let’s be clear about ‘faking it ‘til you make it’:

Faking is lying

My question is:

What happens to your soul in the process?

We lose integrity. Integrity means that and ‘inside’ and  ‘outside’ is congruent. We instinctively trust people of integrity. Because we know in our heart of hearts that they are not faking it. That they are worthy of our trust.

Don’t bother to try and be the best fake you can be.

Focus on authentic experience and leave faking to the con artists.

Be real.

What do you think about ‘fake it ’til you make it’?

Photo by wit>

Do you sometimes wonder what the purpose of life is? If you are not sure, you may be looking at life the wrong way. You may have a view of life as a path. But, there is another way to see life. Read on to find out what that way is.

Let’s first take a look at the conventional way to understand life as a path. Do you see your life as a path? That’s an image that is often used in the realm of spirituality personal growth. I’m guilty of it myself.

This implies that we are struggling towards a pinnacle. We overcome hardship and climb up and up towards…well, towards what, exactly? In the spiritual realm we might say that we climb towards enlightenment, wisdom, awakening, or…what? In the realm of personal growth we might imagine that we are climbing towards, success, wealth,  personal fulfillment, or …what?

We are pulled through life by promises like a donkey by carrots. We  are always moving towards that pinnacle. First we go to kindergarten and then we look forward to primary school. We are told how wonderful it will be when we finally go to college. And then to university. Finally, as good citizens we embark on a career, a relationship, maybe a family. It seems that we are at last approaching the pinnacle of our life. (One of our readers, Jonathan Meads, sent me a funny and enlightening cartoon clip that illustrates this. Do have a look at it here.)

What pinnacle? More often than not, the pinnacle turns out to be redundancy, or illness. And then - one day the sun goes behind a cloud - and we die. Just like that.

Now, tell me again - where was that pinnacle? Did I miss it?

The strange thing is that for a long time the pinnacle seems to be in the future. Just out of reach. Then, from one moment to the next, it seems to be in the past. You’re suddenly beyond it. You’re a ‘has-been’. And you can’t quite remember what the pinnacle should have been. All you know is that you’ve missed it.

That’s pretty depressing, isn’t it? But, stop! What if life isn’t a path?

What if life is a dot?

Yes, I said dot.

A dot doesn’t have dimension. There is no before and after. The dot is now. This moment. Now.

What if this moment right now is the pinnacle of our life? What if each moment is the pinnacle? That is, if we actually live it and don’t miss it through dreaming of the future.

What if the smell of fresh ground coffee is the pinnacle? What if the hug at the door as you go to work is the pinnacle?

It would change things, wouldn’t it?

We would focus on what we enjoy, and not on moving up in our career. We would surf more, and dance more, and sing more, and laugh more, and love more, and hug more.

We would feel the wind in our hair. We would watch the moon rise. We would bask in the sun. We would roll in the mud. We would play in the surf.

We would kick up our heels and feel free. Free to be a bit wild. Even zany. We would live with abandon.

We would enjoy that dot. The dot that is life.

Let’s have a conversation:

What do you think? How is your life? Are you on a path or on a dot?

Second photo by Jeff Kubina

Photo by Lisandro Moises>
This article originally appeared the Healthy Living Lounge. Right now I’m in Buenos Aires for a couple of months. Read on to find out why.

Is traveling just fun? Or can it help us to grow?

In the following I’ll share with you what I’ve learned from my visits to Argentina.

Every time I arrive in Buenos Aires with my partner David, we go straightaway to a little run-down cafe in San Telmo, called Cafe Pedro. It’s run by Negra - an elderly lady with black, flashing eyes.

As we walked up to the cafe, I could see the marmalade cat stretched out on the windowsill, basking in the meager winter sun. We walked in. Negra gave a little scream, dropped her towel, rushed over and smothered us in her arms. It was as if we were her long-lost children. She cried as she stroked my hair.

She then turned around and told everyone in the cafe - loudly - how much she’d missed us. We were escorted to a table and served her best lunch. She stood over me to see that I ate the last morsel on my plate! “Sos demasiado delgada” she muttered, frowning. “You are too thin”

This is why I adore Argentina!

Here in New Zealand where I live, people are reserved. A shy little hug at greeting is about all I get - even from long-time friends. I’ve had to adapt to that and I restrain myself. But by nature I’m expansive, laugh and cry easily, gesticulate wildly, upset my wine glass, drop food in my neighbor’s lap, and in general create happy mayhem.

But here in New Zealand I squeeze myself into a tighter package.

When I first visited Argentina - some seven years ago - it was an amazing experience to feel my spirit expand and take up its full shape!

Discovering a “new me” is one of the joys of traveling.

Each new country brings out a different part of us that is usually hidden.

Initially we came to Buenos Aires to dance the tango. (My partner is a tango teacher). I had been to other Latin American countries and enjoyed it, but when I saw Buenos Aires - I fell in love. And this love has drawn me back, year after year.

I love the sounds of the city with tango music oozing from every crack in the sidewalks. I love the faded splendor of buildings. Most of all, I love the warmth and generosity of the people.

To my surprise, I immediately found some work. I’m a Zen master and teach in various countries. A Zen group in Buenos Aires heard that I had arrived, and soon I was leading workshops and giving individual guidance. The group arranged for interviews in leading magazines, and I became quite well-known.

When a country is right for you opportunities open up.

Actually, I would be able to move to Buenos Aires and work there full-time. A friend of ours owns a recruitment agency that works for US firms. He asked me to work for him. It’s not really my thing, and I don’t want to move to Buenos Aires permanently. But I take note of the fact that opportunities open to me in that particular place. I take it to mean that it is a place where there is something special for me to learn.

One of the things I have learned there is to play. My ordinary life is pretty busy; I lead Zen retreats and teach my students. I write a lot: articles, blog posts and books. I also assist David in his tango lessons. I sometimes help my son to renovate houses: busy, busy, busy.

In Buenos Aires I play. I dance through the night and eat breakfast as the sun comes up. I spend fun time with David and treasured friends.

I enjoy myself!

Does that sound selfish? Well, maybe it is. But what happens is that this joy triggers my creativity and deeply restores my spirituality. It’s as if the strings on the instrument that is me are sometimes too tight. To get a full sound, I need times when I can ease off. That’s what travel to Buenos Aires does for me.

And the gift that Buenos Aires gave me has changed my life back home. My time in Argentina taught me that it’s vital to have moments in life that remind us that we are free spirits.

What’s you’re experience of traveling?
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Note from Mary:
Even though I’m away from my desk and have to write in internet cafes, I’ll attempt to keep my regular posting rhythm at Goodife Zen. I might not be able to respond to each comment, though. Please bear with me!