A guest post by Michelle Fabio of Bleeding Espresso.

As the car wound its way up the two-mile serpentine hill, I smiled to myself, daydreaming about how I would feel when, within minutes, I would be the first in my family in nearly 100 years to breathe the air, walk the narrow streets, and step inside the churches of my great-great-grandfather’s village in Calabria, the toe of Italy’s boot.

Although the logic of avoiding motion sickness told me to focus straight ahead, I couldn’t. I was mesmerized by the groves upon groves of olive trees lining the hillside in perfect rows, their leaves glistening so brightly I could’ve mistaken them for being covered in snow if it weren’t June.

Some of those trees simply had to have been there when Papù made his way down the hill that last time toward his ship of destiny in Naples; many of the thick, gnarled trunks easily showed a century or more. Now I could feel the trees watching me, and I imagined that their shimmering dance in the breeze was the olive tree version of smiling. And I smiled right back.

Whenever everything and everyone seem to be smiling upon me, I know I’m on the right path.

My stomach flipped and flopped around each bend, but it was worth every bit of queasiness to arrive at that random “S” curve halfway up the hill when suddenly, literally out of thin air, it appeared: Badolato and its ancient stone houses clustered together one on top of the next, in support or conspiracy or both, precariously perched on a hill, anchored by a church in the center – just as it had been for a millennium.

Is it possible for your heart to leap with joy and simultaneously sink with heaviness for everything you didn’t even know you were missing just moments ago?

Mine did. And then it did again when I stepped out of the car in the piazza and felt a century’s worth of lost time collapse into a single heartbeat.

Quite simply, I was home.

I know that sounds trite and probably unbelievable, but just as people describe love with the phrase “You just know,” I just knew.

*

That was 2002, less than a year after the death of my grandmother. She was the first to be born in America, although she was as (southern) Italian in spirit and temperament as they come. Despite having other heritage mixed into our family, Italian always ruled, especially on the dinner table. Never underestimate the power and influence of a nonna.

So there I was, standing in the village of my great-great-grandfather, the one he had left in the early 1900s for a “better life” although truth be told he traded the back-breaking work of a peasant farmer for that of a coal miner; either way he was digging himself an early grave largely for the benefit of someone else.

I’ve often wondered whether he regretted changing his scenery from the brilliant Calabrian sun to the deepest, darkest depths of the earth, but as far as I know, he didn’t – or at least no one ever asked.

And yet just a few generations later, I was back in his town, feeling nothing but calm and goodness and warmth wrap around me – as if my ancestors had huddled around me, just like those houses on the hillside, and welcomed me home.

*

I have been fascinated by family history from the time I would stay up way past my bedtime, eyes at half-mast and head resting on my crossed arms on the kitchen table, absorbing my grandmother and great-aunt’s re-telling of stories of the generations that had been born in Italy. The desire to connect only grew over the years as I compiled family trees and meticulously recorded birth, marriage, and death dates.

But documents are cold, and I needed the warm touch of my roots – in person.

Indeed, just a few days into that first visit to Calabria, I knew I had to move there and live as my family once had (albeit with Internet and some modern conveniences). My plan was solidified when I discovered I was eligible for Italian citizenship as our blood line had never been broken according to Italian law. After more document collection and many phone calls to the Italian Consulate in Philadelphia, I proudly reclaimed something my family didn’t even know it was entitled to and now hold all the privileges and responsibilities of an Italian citizen.

In August 2003, I set off, making the return journey Papù never did. The original plan was a year, maybe two, but now eight years on, I can’t imagine leaving this place behind for anywhere else.

My soul has found its home.

A year and a half into my Calabrian experiment, I met and fell in love with my husband Paolo, a true paesano as his family and mine are from the same small quartiere in our village (and it’s where we now live). He’s introduced me to so much I didn’t even know I was looking for when I set off to learn more about my heritage.

We keep a garden, raise goats and chickens, and this past February we made our own sausage, pancetta, capocollo, supressata, and guanciale from a pig we had raised. Wine-making will come in due time (pian piano, slowly, as the Italians say), but for now, our proudest accomplishment is our little piece of land with olive trees – and our own olive oil.

Whenever I walk through our grove, returning the smiles of the leaves flickering in the sunshine, I wonder what Papù would think. Were these the same olive trees he took care of for the Baron but couldn’t dream of ever owning? Could he have imagined that one day his granddaughter’s granddaughter would even have the choice to return and reclaim his family’s heritage?

*

For the better part of a decade, I’ve gradually entrenched myself in an old-fashioned way of life that has been re-branded as “homesteading” and is all the rage in the United States. But here, eating organically, locally, and in-season aren’t trendy fads but a lifestyle that’s been around for centuries – most of what we consume that we don’t grow or raise ourselves comes from local farmers and butchers, who are the familiar, smiling faces at the weekly outdoor market.

Indeed, one of my favorite aspects of living here is that Calabrian life revolves entirely around being in tune with nature. Even if I didn’t have a calendar handy, I’d know the time of year by village’s activities, whether it’s vendemmia (grape harvest) in September, olive-picking in November, sausage-making in January and February, or brush clearing and burning off in May and early June.

Through this intimate relationship with the world around me, I’ve come to savor the simplicity of it all and realized just how little we truly *need* to survive. With the help of Thich Nhat Hanh’s The Miracle of Mindfulness, I have come to identify and name this desire to appreciate and be present in each moment: mindfulness. It’s a wonderful thing.

This move has been the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

My journey to discover my roots has helped me better understand where I come from, but it also continues to shape me into the person I was meant to be. It has re-rooted me in this terra that I couldn’t love any more had I been born here.

*

Though I’ve come up our winding hill hundreds of times, I’m still to this day struck by the vision of the village around the random bend in the road – I can never remember exactly which “S” it is, and I hope I never do; I like to think that such small mysteries, along with thousands of still-hidden secret pleasures, keeps my relationship with this ancient place alive.

I’ll also never know whether Papù regretted his decision to go to America, but I love that just in case he did, I’ve replanted a small part of him back here. I like to think this would make him proud, and in fact, I often feel him, his wife, his daughter (my great-grandmother), and other ancestors envelop me in warmth, just as I did that first day in the piazza – but never more strongly than when I’m among the olive trees in our campagna, drinking in their dancing, shimmering smiles.

Yes, I am home, and I’m smiling right back at them.

Michelle Fabio is an attorney-turned-freelance writer who has lived in her ancestral village in Calabria, Italy since 2003. She writes about savoring simplicity one sip at a time at Bleeding Espresso and about raising goats at Goat Berries. You can also find her @michellefabio on Twitter.

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A guest post by Christopher Foster of The Happy Seeker

My dad, who was 95 when he died, liked to say you could put his medical history on the back of a postage stamp. After my Mom died, Dad sold their house in Pevensey Bay, on the Sussex coast in England, and moved to a small ground-floor flat right across the road from his favorite pub, the Castle.

It was a very smart move, of course. Dad had been a reporter all his life and loved the bracing effects of British beer – its medicinal value, as he liked to put it — plus interacting with people. He was famous for his one-liners, and liked to say he had “a joke for every occasion.”

As the years went by, however, and Dad began walking more slowly, crossing the road to go to the Castle or the library or other places was an increasing challenge because he tended to hold up traffic.

However, he came up with a strategy to deal with the situation. He realized that cars stopped every time a train crossed the road a mile or so away — and learned to cross the road at these times when the traffic was lighter.

I’m 78, just a youngster. But if I can meet the challenges of aging with the same grace and courage my father revealed, I’ll be doing very well.

The paradox of aging

Of course, there is more to aging — much, much more — than merely meeting the challenges that life inevitably brings as we get older.

Watching our own body — or the body of a loved one — deteriorate with age can be excruciating, of course. But there is a paradox here. Because as our physical body slows down, there is an opportunity to connect more deeply with the truth at the core of our being that is the very source of lasting happiness and peace.

10 timeless joys of aging

1. Deepen your connection with your own Being

You may have been working on this connection all your life. Or perhaps it is a fairly new idea for you. In any case, the primary blessing of old age, as far as I’m concerned, is the opportunity to be still, and in that stillness, become more and more conscious of the timeless happiness and freedom of my own being.

2. Realize your oneness with all creation

With luck, there is time and space in our latter years to develop a deeper awareness of and appreciation for our oneness with all creation. My own “instructor” in this process, by the way, is a large blue spruce tree that grows outside the front door of our town home in Denver (and a bunny that lives underneath this tree).

3.  See the light in all people

When our lives are packed full with activity, goals, with the constant demands of work, raising children, and so on, it’s all too easy to overlook one of life’s most simple truths. Regardless of a person’s place in the scheme of things, regardless of their color, status, religion, and so on, there is one light in us all — and its name is Love.

Looking for that light in others — wherever it may be, in the supermarket or coffee shop or anywhere else — is one of the joys of getting older.

4.  Bless and encourage others

Holding an attitude of blessing, love, and support for others — and expressing it in tangible form when possible — has a profound effect, and also nourishes our own well-being.

5.  Peel away all pretense

One of the greatest blessings of old age may be the opportunity to experience our own genuineness more fully and deeply than ever before. What do we have to lose?

Any artificial constructs or self-images we may have developed over the years are going to disappear anyway before too long. We have a golden opportunity to let any remaining pretense be peeled away right now, so that the unique, divine masterpiece we truly can shine through with increasing clarity.

6. Love your body more fully

One of the trials of aging is seeing and experiencing the inevitable decline of our own physical body. It has been so faithful over the years, doing its very best at all times to make it possible for us to give our gift and play our part in this world.

But there’s another paradox here. Even as we see our body aging and weakening, our love and appreciation for this beautiful physical body that has been our friend for so long can increase exponentially.

Loving your pet is one thing, and it is good. But loving your own body as it ages or weakens — that opens up a potential of communion and joy we may never have known before.

7. Savor the moment

“A poor life this, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare,” said the British poet, William Henry Davies. With the gift of age, we have the opportunity to become more and more aware of the wonder and magic present in any moment — even the most humble moment.

Accepting a cup of coffee from the server in a coffee shop is an act of grace. Taking time to admire a tree or flower is an act of grace.

We also have the extraordinary privilege and opportunity of savoring what is always here with us in any moment — the stillness and peace of our own eternal being.

8. Dare to think of immortality

We are used to thinking about mortality, particularly as the years pass by. “Death and taxes are the two sure things,” we like to say. But there is a remarkable opportunity, as we age, to open our minds and hearts to the unthinkable possibility that although our bodies are mortal, who we truly are is immortal.

Who you are at the core of your being is not born and does not die. With the gift of age, we have the opportunity, if we so desire, to become more aware of the immortality of our own being.

I find that when I let go of thought for a few moments, and become truly still, it is very easy and natural to think the “unthinkable” – that is to say, to feel what cannot be thought, or understood, but can definitely be felt in our heart.

9. Dare to be fit

It’s wonderful to see older people exercising and staying active. My dad used to swim in the cold water at Pevensey Bay, in Sussex, until it got too difficult for him to climb up and down the stony beach, and he switched to an indoor pool.

I’ve been going to a gym for about nine years. It has helped me through some rough patches in my life. I do resistance training, which I especially enjoy, and some of the cardio stuff, although when it comes to that side of things I prefer a good old-fashioned walk if possible.

The gym is a highlight of my day. I think of it as my “strength room,” and I have to tell you something. Another paradox. Even though I’m getting older, I’m lifting more than I have ever lifted before.

Going to the gym not only makes me feel stronger physically, it also makes me feel stronger mentally and emotionally. I also do a little Chi Kung every now and again with the help of a beautiful book called The Way of Energy, by Master Lam Kam Chuen.

10. Communing with Angels

This last entry may be a bit controversial, but I’m not trying to be controversial, I just want to share my own experience.

A few years ago, I was sitting in a hospital waiting for some minor surgery when suddenly I began to feel a warm, enfolding presence. It was not the presence of a living person, but a living spirit — the spirit of my first wife, Joy, who died suddenly of a stroke in 1991.

There is only one spirit, one whole, one truth, and it is timeless. Feeling Joy’s warm, enfolding presence for a few minutes in the hospital was a beautiful experience. By the time the nurse came out and invited me into the operating area I was walking on air.

Along this line, I find my sense of connection with my Dad is stronger now than it ever was when he was alive in human form. For me, the opportunity to be conscious of the presence of departed loved ones is also one of the true joys and comforts of growing old.

As Shakespeare wrote long ago: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Christopher Foster is an author and spiritual coach. He writes about happiness and inner peace at his blog, The Happy Seeker.Please check out his free Ebook: The Wisdom of Serenity.

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Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. ~ Seneca

By Mary Jaksch

Do you dream of a lucky break? Maybe you want to get that special job or special opportunity?

We often think of luck as something that happens randomly. And maybe that’s the case when it comes to lotto. But if you want good fortune in your life, there are things you can do to become fortunate.

I tend to have good fortune. That’s because I follow three secret principles that lead to good fortune. They are powerful.

1. Create good fortune for others
   Most people think of getting and having as a key to good fortune. That’s like thinking that you are the center of the universe and you expect good things to flow towards us from all sides. In my experience that’s not what creates good fortune. The secret is to turn your thinking around and consider what others need. And then to take action.

   The first principle of good fortune is to enable good fortune for others where you can.

2. Meet good fortune half way
   As I said before, I tend to be fortunate. And – boy – do I work hard for that good fortune! My sense is that we need to meet good fortune half way. That is, we have to put our heart and soul into a venture, to do our utmost. That effort attracts good fortune.

   It’s not enough to dream big, visualize outcomes, or set goals. In the end what counts is hard work. If I look at the instances where I have not had good fortune in my life, it was in areas that I wasn’t passionate about, and didn’t really put a lot of research and hard work into.

   The second principle is to meet good fortune half way

3. Be positive
   Good fortune comes to those who are positive. If you’re a whinger or a whiner, you may be keeping good fortune at bay, instead of inviting it into your life. Whatever you see as ‘the story of my life’ is going to come true. So, if story about your life is that you always draw the short straw – that’s how it’s going to be in the future. If, like me, the story of you life is that you tend to be fortunate – then that’s going to shape the rest of your life.
   .

   The third principle of good fortune is to keep a positive attitude.

But what about when bad things happen?

Sometimes bad things happen. But we can learn and grow from whatever life throws at us. The important thing is to focus on the positive outcome. Sometimes that can be hard to see when we are in the middle of a painful situation. In those times I tend to ask myself, ‘What can I learn from this?’ That lesson can then become a new seed for good fortune.

Let go of negative stories
The most important thing is to let go of negative stories. So many people carry grand personal stories of how they were wronged, how they were betrayed, how they had bad luck. Such stories keep us trapped in the past and shut us out from good fortune in the future.

If you carry such stories, ask yourself, “Am I willing to give up this hard-luck story?” You may find that the story is seductive. Because our grand stories tend to define who we think we are. Can you live without this story? Could you never mention it again?

If you want to release yourself from bad luck in the past, you need to give up your negative stories. Whenever you notice that your mind is consumed by them, or when you become aware that you’re retelling it to others, say firmly to yourself, “I let go of that story now.” Then focus on something else.

If you follow these three secret principles, you will find that you attract good fortune.

And not only that. If we live according to these three principles, we create happiness for ourselves – and for others. Seneca was right: luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

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If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon. ~ Emil Zatopek, Olympic Champion Long Distance Runner

A guest post by Katie Tallo of Momentum Gathering

As race weekend approaches here in Ottawa, everyone and their Uncle seems to be out on the trails training for the big marathon. I’ve heard a marathon can be a life changer. All that sweating and striving, exhilaration and triumph.

Really, when you think about it, we should all run a marathon. In fact, it should be a required course in high school, a job qualification, a prerequisite for life. Yes! Let’s push ourselves to our very limits. Let’s burst out the front door everyday of our lives. Let’s go for it! Let’s … oh forget it. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

But wait. If life’s like a marathon, how do we sustain our dreams for the long haul? How do we gather enough momentum to achieve real life change? How do we run this race without feeling as though we’re falling behind, losing ground on our goals, or stumbling towards some unreachable finish line?

We turn that marathon into a zenathon. We infuse our lives with zenful, mindful sources of energy that help us run, our way. We get ready, we zen and we unleash our very own style of get-up-and-go!

a simple guide to running a zenathon

• Be still in the beginning.
  Stay quiet and present as you ready yourself at the start of any new venture. In that stillness you’ll find steadiness and space to hear your own voice. You’ll be more likely see and head towards what matters most to you, ready to surge forward when the time comes.
• Wear the right shoes. Try not to step into someone else’s shoes, even if you admire them. Learn from them, but trust that you can be self-reliant as you follow a path that resonates with your beliefs. Use words and actions that fit you. You’ll gain energy from being yourself.
• Visualize the course. Create a picture of your goal, your purpose, and see yourself achieving it. Close your eyes and contemplate the path ahead – the steps, the challenges, the milestones and the possibilities. A clear mental picture will invigorate the early days of any journey.
• Warm up and stretch. By moving in different ways, breaking routines and assumptions, and stretching your creativity, you’ll be more receptive and open to opportunities and more able to brave adversity. You’ll stay loose and won’t cramp up at the first sign of trouble.
• Start slow. If you burst out of the gate, you risk missing steps, tripping up, or running out of gas too soon. If you start nice and easy, your pace will gradually align with your natural rhythms and you’ll begin to get where you want to go.
• Watch your posture. As you move through your day, carry yourself like that person you know you are or know you can be – shoulders back, chest out, head held high – that fulfilled being who has found their calling and has embraced the freedom and joy of living their dream. Your confident posture will infuse your day with momentum and keep your energy flowing.
• Stay nourished. Love your work, love your path, but don’t let that enthusiasm to succeed, earn, and grow consume you. Fuel yourself with rest, feed your body and soul with natural sustenance and fill yourself with deep breaths of oxygen.
• Talk to yourself. When you feel like you’re on your way, heading in the right direction and hitting your stride, be your biggest champion. Encourage yourself, support yourself and tell yourself that you can do it. Kindness isn’t just for others. Give a little to you.
• Enjoy the scenery. Look around and be grateful for where you are right now. Maybe you’re moving slowly towards your goals from the back of the pack, maybe you started late, don’t feel ready, or can’t quite see the next turn in the road – that’s the time to relax and enjoy what’s right in front of you. Energy comes from accepting and embracing where you are.
• Let go of winning. Allow others to go ahead, maybe even help them with a compassionate push. Let go of being first, being the best, being noticed, and start by just being you.

There are miles to go, hills to crest and finish lines to cross in all our lives, but we don’t have to grasp for victory and blow past everyone else to make real and meaningful changes in our lives. We just need to start moving along with zenful strides, and begin gently listening and looking as we flow along our path. Set a peaceful course, relax and head off in the direction of your dreams. Don’t endure the race, enjoy the zenathon.

Katie Tallo is a writer, director, motivator, runner, vegetarian and mother who writes a blog that encourages steady, positive actions for sustaining joyful and vibrant life change, Momentum Gathering.

Note from Mary Jaksch: Katie is a member of the A-List Blogger Club, the amazing ongoing training environment for bloggers that Leo Babauta and I run. I’m proud of Katie – she shines in this guest post – which was a training assignment. Take a look at her blog and subscribe: Katie is worth it.

The A-List Blogger Club has changed my life. A month ago I didn’t know a tweet from a widget. Now I’m running my own blog and the club is right there with me. Everyday I connect with someone new, and not just connect, but get to know them, laugh with them, befriend, share, support and exchange ideas. Mary and Leo have created a community that is a reflection of who they are — generous, genuine and successful!
~ Katie Tallo of Momentum Gathering

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By Mary Jaksch

New research shows that cancer research is moving in a new direction. Now there is evidence that certain foods prohibit cancer from taking hold. Or stop it coming back.

Check out this video by Dr. William Li. He explains that drugs designed to cut off a cancerous tumor’s blood supply show promise, but diet can help keep the process from even starting in the first place:

According to Dr. William Li, we should eat the following foods in order to starve cancer: red grapes, strawberries, soy beans, parsley, and garlic. Check out the video to see amazing graphs of how these foods can help cancer to be starved of blood supply

Dr. Li also cites research by the Harvard School of Public Health  by Dr. Lorelei Mucci of 79,000 men:
“Men who consume 2-3 servings of cooked tomatoes per week have a reduced risk for developing prostrate cancer by 40-50%”

This is a new revolution in cancer prevention and treatment. Please share this post through Tweets and emails so that this information reaches as many people as possible.

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You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.
~Rumi

by Gail Brenner of A Flourishing Life

It is so easy to slip into feeling that we are not good enough. This is the world of “if only.” If only people liked me more, if only I had a partner, if only I weighed 10 pounds less. This sense of lack that many of us experience breaks my heart. I see exquisite beings all around me who somehow have tricked themselves into believing they are deficient or broken. How can this be?

Lack is a state of mind, not the nature of our true essence. No one is born insufficient. As infants, we all arrived into this world brimming over with potential for fulfillment and open-heartedness. Take a look at this photo. Is anything missing or incomplete? This purity was you, is you, and remains as you.

The Origin of Lack

Through trying circumstances and inner struggles, we somehow conclude that we are inadequate. This is the birth of “if only” thinking. If only I were more or better or different, then I would receive the love I so desperately crave.

And, oh, the havoc this pain wreaks on our lives. By trying to ignore it, we end up addicted, depressed, purposeless, confused, and stressed beyond belief.

Wanting to get rid of this feeling of lack, of not being enough, simply doesn’t work. In fact, wishing it would disappear has the paradoxical result of making it stay. And trying to fill up the hole we feel – with relationships, food, busyness – is rarely successful for too long.

The Healing Practice

How about a different approach? Lack is actually love disguised. We realize this truth by turning our attention directly into the feeling of lack. What does lack need? Love and attention.

• Are you capable of love?
• Can you choose where you focus your attention?

Then you hold the key to your healing. Try this contemplation and see what happens.

1. Rather than getting caught in the feelings or telling yourself the same defeatist story, just for a moment, peak directly into the lack itself. Like a curious explorer, see what you notice. Maybe painful emotions or the sense of a sad and scared child. Maybe heaviness or constriction in different parts of your body.
2. Now, open up your heart to bathe each of these experiences in love. Each feeling, each distressing thought, each tension – flood them all to overflowing.
3. Repeat 1 and 2 whenever you feel like you aren’t good enough.

Inadequate No More

If you feel inadequate or incomplete, don’t wait for what you think you need from other people or the outside world. Don’t let yourself be a victim for one more second. The moments of your precious life are ticking away. Every time lack appears, give it what it needs – love and attention.

You may have noticed that this is a no-lose, no-fail strategy. You get to feel loving and loved at the same time. You give yourself exactly what you long for in unlimited supply. You no longer need to avoid your painful feelings, so you can make conscious choices that support your well being. You return to a state of wholeness and ease. Lack simply cannot hold up in the spotlight of love.

Eckhart Tolle says, “Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.” Allow all the painful places to come out of the shadows and embrace them in love. Your light will shine brightly for all the world to see.

How has inadequacy affected your life? What has been helpful in dealing with it? I’d love to hear…

Gail Brenner writes at her blog, A Flourishing Life, where she delights in offering practical wisdom for untangling self-defeating habits and realizing happiness.

Images by Hamed Saberand Photo by Peasap

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

Stillness is a beautiful word. It conjures up images of a relaxed body, a peaceful mind, and silence. We all want peacefulness – but it can be difficult to find true rest and stillness within a busy life. Here are some tips and exercises that will help you to find rest and relaxation for your body and soul.

The body at rest

Check in with your body. Are you relaxed?

Choose a tight part of your body, close your eyes, and relax this particular part of your body more and more with each out-breath.

The peaceful mind

When the mind is at rest, we feel peaceful. In our everyday life, it’s difficult to remain undisturbed. There are so many things that can disturb the mind.

Imagine a still forest pool, reflecting all the trees and plants around. When a puff of wind ruffles the surface, wavelets disturb the surface and the reflections disappear. But when the wind dies down, the surface of the water settles down. And soon the water is still again.

What I suggest to you is to see what happens if you eliminate at least some of the factors that disturb your mind.

• Do you get stirred up by reading newspapers or watching the news on TV or on the Net?
• Do you feel tense up when you spend time with certain people?
• Do certain activities agitate you?

Spend a moment to think about how you could eliminate some of these factors. You’ll see in the exercise section that I’m asking you to go on a kind of a diet today. A diet that allows you to taste stillness, instead ofbusiness.

Silence

Noise is a stress factor. If you live in a big city, you are constantly bombarded with noise. We also add to the constant assault of sounds through listening to the radio or TV, playing music, and so on.

Stillness can heal. But it can be scary because we are used to coveringour loneliness or our lack of communication by filling our life with sounds.

Silence also means not speaking. A lot of what we say each day is just a ‘silence-filler’. You may find that a smile will do instead. It’s an interesting experiment to be as silent as possible mdash; even just for one day.

Traditional Zen retreats are held in silence. Anyone who has participated in such a retreat will know that this silence is powerful. All too often, words get in the way of being present. Stillness is something very precious. My experience of meditation is that it creates islands of stillness. Please look at the reading and check out the exercises for today.

It would be lovely to hear your voice in the forum today!

EXERCISES

1. Relaxation

You can do this exercise just before going to sleep. If you do it during the day, you might like to set an alarm clock. Here’s how to do it:

• Lie down and cover yourself to stay warm
• Start at your feet, placing your attention there and saying to yourself, “My feet are warm and heavy.”
• Move slowly up your body, imagining that each part is warm and heavy.

2. Inner Silence

Spend at least 5 minutes each day doing nothing. Just notice sounds, sights, smells, and so on. Let go of planning thoughts or other distractions. This is a way to cultivate inner silence.

3. Outer Silence

• Eliminate background music.
• Only play music if you can listen to it with full attention. Just try silence for one day and see what it’s like.
• Turn the TV or radio off if you are not attending to it or are doing something else as well.In many households the TV is blaring, even though nobody is watching it. Try turning it off as much as possible and see what happens.
• Only speak when necessary.

What is your experience with stillness? What are your special tips for relaxation?

Please share in the comments.

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A guest post by Madeleine Kolb of Age Myths

When a terrible tragedy—such as the death of a child—strikes a friend or neighbor or co-worker, what do you do? What do you say? What if you don’t know what to say? Do you say nothing to the grieving parent? Or worse of all, do you avoid her altogether?

Many of us struggle in this situation. We are stunned to hear of the death of a child or young adult whose parents we know. And we realize that we should say something, something comforting, to the parents. But what?

When Elders Die

Any death in a family is shocking. The death of an old person who’s been terminally ill for a long time still brings disbelief and sadness. The family grieves.  All who knew the person grieve.

When this happens in your own family,what comforts you is the support of others, the memories you share of good times, silly things your Uncle Bob did and said, things he was really good at and things he never quite got the hang of. But probably the most comforting thing is knowing that Uncle Bob lived a long, full life. Hard as it is to accept his death, there’s an inevitability about it. It’s in the natural order of things.

When Children Die

The death of a child, though, including a grown child, is different. It’s wrenching, unexpected, incomprehensible. It’s not supposed to happen this way. Children are supposed to live longer than their parents. When they don’t, the pain is unimaginable.

Friends and neighbors and co-workers—maybe even other family members–may not know what to do, what to say. Sometimes they say things that make the grieving parents feel even worse.

My Friend’s Son

The son of a dear friend died tragically when he was only 18. He and one of his class-mates were killed in an auto accident several days before their high school graduation. The driver and other teen-agers in the car were not injured.

It was every parent’s nightmare. My friend was awakened by a knock on his door in the middle of the night. Standing there was a deputy sheriff who handed him a piece of paper with the phone number of a hospital. By the time my friend got there, his son had died on the operating table.

What Not to Do

Before the funeral my friend heard from many friends, but afterward people began to avoid him. “I became a pariah,” he says.

Once during that period, my friend was walking down the street when he saw a man he knew coming the other way. The man, a minister, crossed the street, passed by, and crossed back. Perhaps he thought my friend didn’t notice.

What Not to Say

Most people will probably not go to such extremes. Nearly all of us would stop to talk to a friend whose child has just died, and we’d find words which comfort our friend.

Some people, though, say exactly the wrong thing. This happened to my friend many times. Some examples:

“It’s all part of God’s plan.” or “God needed another flower for his garden.”

You may be thinking, “What’s wrong with that? He meant well; he was just trying to be comforting.” My friend was raised with religious beliefs, but he was not comforted by these easy platitudes. On the contrary–they made him feel worse.

“Put it behind you.” or “You’ve got to get on with your life.”

Well-meaning, but completely clueless, people said this to my friend just days after his son was killed. He did get on with his life–in his own way and in his own time. But it’s been over 20 years, and it’s not entirely behind him. It never will be. And every year the dates of his son’s birth and of his death bring it all back and make him very sad.

“I know exactlyhow you feel.”

Even if you have lost a child and know how devastating that can be, don’t say this. Instead say something like, “It’s a terrible shock, such a loss. We lost our daughter when she was 16.”

“You can have other children.”

I’m making a real effort to understand this, but who could say such a thing? If you want another child, have another child, but not as a replacement for one who has died. Have a child with her own special set of traits and quirks and abilities, a child you will cherish for herself.

What Not to Ask

The last Not-to-Do is asking a lot of questions or pressing for details about the death. And here’s the reason. In the U.S., people over 65 die primarily of natural causes, the most common being heart disease, cancer, and stroke, in that order.

But the most common cause of death in children and young adults (ages 1-34) is unintentional injury, such as the auto accident which killed my friend’s 18-year-old son.

The second and third most common causes of death for pre-teens, teenagers and young adults (ages 10 to 34) in the U.S. is homicide or suicide (based on 2006 data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control).

What parent wants to discuss his daughter’s suicide with curious co-workers? And who wants to describe how her son was thrown from a car and slowly bled to death by the side of the road? Even if there’s been an article in the local newspaper about the death, don’t ask for details.

My Own Son

My own son Jonathan, a young adult, died four months ago. He was living in Boston, and I was living in Seattle at the time. (I’ve since moved to the East Coast). I got the dreaded phone call telling me that Jonathan was dead at about 6:00 am. It was completely unexpected, shocking, hard to believe. It’s still hard to believe.

My situation was different from my friend’s in that his son was younger when he died, my friend and his son lived in the same town, and many people in town knew both of them. My son was a young adult who lived thousands of miles from me, and most of the people who knew Jonathan and me were people I’d worked with in Boston years ago.

What to Say

Many of them sent emails or hand-written cards or left comments in his Guest Book on www.legacy.com. (I’d never heard of that website before, but it sets up guest books for those whose obituaries are published in newspapers, such as the Boston Globe.)

After my son died, I checked out the website often and read what friends had written. There were wonderful comments that expressed condolences and shared fond memories of Jonathan. Some examples:

We were so sorry to hear of Jon’s passing. We have so many fond memories of him hanging out with the Cod Squad, celebrating the last Patriot’s Super Bowl win at our house but most of all we’ll remember  the beautiful days sailing with Jon on Evergreen on Boston Harbor. God bless you, Jon…

We think of Jon everyday as we pass the dog house he lovingly built by hand for our pug, Louie. Jon and Bob were active some years back in the Coast Guard Auxilary….

I met Jon as an infant and saw him grow into a nice polite, likeable young man. For many years, we would re-meet at the annual apple picking party in October….

One of the hand-written cards enclosed a picture of an apple picking party several years ago which Jonathan had attended. For months I couldn’t bring myself to open the cards. When my BF and I moved from Seattle, I packed them up and kept them on my desk until just a few days ago.

That’s what you say to comfort a friend whose child has died: You say that you were so sorry to hear about her child; you say that your friend is in your thoughts; you talk about your memories and the good times you shared with her child; and you say how much you will miss him. If you do this, your friend will appreciate it and be comforted by it. She will never forget your thoughtfulness and kindness.

Madeleine Kolb writes about the grim myths and the positive realities of growing older at Age Myths. You can subscribe to Age Myths by RSS feed or e-mail.

Photos by  jamesjordan (top) and erikaemergency (side)

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A Guest Post by Jeff Cobb of Mission to Learn

Are you a lifelong learner? Given that you are reading a blog like Goodlife Zen, I’m betting that your answer to that question is a resounding ‚”Yes, of course!‚” But here’s an important follow-up question:

Are you always a successful lifelong learner?

Do you always achieve the learning goals you set for yourself? I know I don’t. Happily, many of my failures are of the good kind, the ‘pick yourself, dust yourself off, and try something different next time’ kind. But occasionally I find that, even though I am going through all the motions, I don’t seem to make any real progress.

Why do we get stuck in ‘learning ruts’ like this? Here are five powerful – and often hidden – forces that can hold us back in spite of our desire to learn.

Consistency

Developing strong, consistent habits can be a very positive part of personal growth, but as Ralph Waldo Emerson suggested long ago, our lives are full of routines and rituals that we unconsciously adopt and that often blind us to our real passion and purpose in life. This sort of foolish consistency is what he famously labeled the ‘hobgoblin of little minds’.

Take a close look at even the most trivial of habits in your life. How did they become part of your routine? Are they truly yours, or did you borrow them unconsciously from others? Do they serve a higher purpose for you, or are they actually barriers to using your time in more rewarding ways? Step outside of them and you will open the doors to new learning.

Common Sense

On the surface, following common sense sounds like a great idea – and often it is. Looking both ways before crossing a busy road, for example, is a simple bit of common sense that could save your life. That you are unlikely to achieve major goals without motivation and hard work is another example of common sense that has proven true again and again.

But common sense, along with its fellow traveler – conventional wisdom – can sometimes lead us to accept ideas and beliefs that deserve to be questioned. For centuries, common sense held that the earth was flat and that the sun revolved around it. On a more personal level, we may find ourselves trapped by conventional ideas about what counts as a “real”  job or education.

What ideas and beliefs have you unconsciously accepted as common sense in your own life? Start questioning those ideas and beliefs, and learning will follow.

Baggage

As Judith Sills argues in her bestselling book Excess Baggage, we all have aspects of our personality that cause us to get in our own way. Maybe we always need to be right. Or we dread rejection. Or we hold on to unnecessary anger. These types of personal ‘baggage’ create blind spots for us that can make it difficult, even impossible, to realize our full potential.

Shedding baggage is far from an easy task, but it begins with honest self-assessment and regular reflection. Sills discusses five ruling passions, or drives, that are connected to particular personality styles:

• The drive for control
• The drive for self-esteem
• The drive for security
• The drive for attachment
• The drive for justice

Each of these can be very positive and motivating, but taken too far they can also cause us to shut out opportunities for new knowledge and personal growth. Does one or more of these “drives” ring a bell with you? Are any of them a source of baggage that holds you back or causes you to act in ways that are harmful? Shed your baggage, and you make room for new learning opportunities.

Noise

In addition to our friends, family, and colleagues, many of us now use tools like Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn – and yes, blogs – to communicate with vast networks of people. Throw mobile phones and “old” media like television, radio, billboards, and print publications into the mix and it’s easy to see that we are constantly being bombarded with new information.

Clearly there is an upside to all of these new communications tools and the greater access to information they provide. Indeed, for lifelong learners, it is a real boon. Want to learn a new language? You can now practice with a native speaker from just about anywhere in the world while sitting at your own kitchen table. Interested in meditation? Learn a simple technique right here on Goodlife Zen through the power of Web video.

As wonderful as the learning opportunities are, however, the flood of information can be so overwhelming that it actually becomes detrimental to learning. Our minds can handle only so many inputs at once, and we need time to process new information and move it from our short-term, “working” memory into our long-term memory.

Take a look at your inbox, your RSS reader, your magazine subscriptions, your to-do lists, and any of the other signs of information run amuck in your life. Where could you simplify and cut back on the noise? Open up some quiet space and the learning will flow in.

Fear

To borrow a turn of phrase from bestselling author Seth Godin, If there is no learning, look for the fear.Often it’s there and we are not even aware of it.

How can this be? In his most recent book, Linchpin, Godin pins the blame on what he calls the lizard brain, a tiny part of the human brain – part real and part metaphor – that controls primal instincts like fight or flight. We are rarely conscious of the lizard brain, but it’s always there, and it can interfere mightily with other parts of our brain that value learning.

The lizard brain doesn’t care about exploring new ideas or mastering new skills. It cares about staying comfortable and staying alive. Period. If you’re paying attention, you can feel the rumblings of lizard brain whenever you hold back on sharing an idea, or asking a question, or finishing that article, or painting, or poem that could take you down a rewarding – but unknown – new path.

The only way to overcome the deep, instinctual fear of the lizard brain is make sure you are paying attention. When you feel the rumblings, when you start to yourself retreating into comfort, push on. Real learning nearly always comes with risk.

Stay Alert

One of the main reasons that the lizard brain and the other forces are so powerful is that each tends to operate at a hidden, unconscious level in our lives. We simply don’t notice the degree to which they act upon us. By staying alert and reflective we can diminish the power of these forces and get so much more out of our lifelong learning efforts.

Jeff Cobb writes about the opportunities and challenges of lifelong learning in a hyper-connected world at Mission to Learn. You can subscribe to Mission to Learn by RSS feed or e-mail

***

Join us for the next FREE Virtual Zen Retreat How to Forgive and Find Peace (May 1-5. 2010).

Here  are the themes we’ll explore:

• Why should we forgive?
• How forgiveness can be a journey of healing.
• How you can learn to forgive yourself.
• How to forgive: the pathway of compassion.
• How to find peace

Virtual Zen Retreats are designed to work in with your everyday life at home or at work. Each day you’ll get an article, a video, and selected readings, and you’ll be able to share with other participants – or ask questions of myself – in our private forum.

This Virtual Zen Retreats is FREE. But we can only accept a restricted number of participants. If you’re keen to join us, please fill in the form in the sidebar now. Or click here to find out more.

Photo by jpmartineau

Click here to Download the FREE first chapter of Start Over: Create the Life YOU Want

By Mary Jaksch

Every person we encounter shapes our life. If you think back, even the most unpleasant encounters taught us something about how to grow as a human being. And of course this is especially true of those we love. The poet Thomas McGrath writes:

How could I have come so far?
(And always on such dark trails!)
I must have travelled by the light
Shining from the faces of all those I have loved.

Sometimes it’s difficult to acknowledge that we constantly learn and grow through our interactions with those we love. The reason is that we are fixated on the: “If only they would…”

“If only they would…”

I’m sure you too could write a long list about how we would like our loved ones to be different. If such thoughts loom large in your life, take some time out and make a list of all the ways in which you would like your partner to be different.

Then take a good look at the completed list with all attributes and behaviors you wish your partner to have.

Who does the list remind you of?

You guessed right: the list is a description of what you think you are like! In other words, the thought ‘if only they would…’ really means: “Why can’t they be more like ME?” Well, the world would be a boring place if everyone was like ourselves! And we wouldn’t be able to grow and develop.

Because it’s only the differences between us and others that widen our horizon.

If we want to grow as human beings, we need to give something precious to those around us.

The greatest gift is to be present.

I don’t mean being half-present, but fully focused on the other person with your whole body and mind as if there was nobody else in the whole world. I’m sure we are all guilty of being half – or even quarter-present. For example, if we’re reading the paper, or watching the news, or looking at our emails – and someone starts up a conversation with us.

Barriers to being present

There are many different barriers to being present with another person. You may recognize these four:

• Your mind is on other things and you are only pretending to listen.
  This is similar to what we contend with in meditation. The way to get past this barrier is by refocusing on the ‘now’. Tip:  Open your awareness to ambient sounds as well.
• You don’t want to interact, but don’t want to say so.
  You need to make a decision whether you are willing to put your activity aside and really listen, or whether you are going to speak out and claim this time as your own.
• You feel defensive.
  Thoughts fueled by strong emotions create gripping mind-movies. When we feel defensive, strong thoughts and stories are created that start with “But…!” It’s as if we bat away everything we are hearing, instead of taking it in. Notice your defensiveness and put aside all the ‘but’ stories for now.
• What you hear triggers emotions and stories in your own mind.
  You’ll notice that your own stories are triggered by a desire to interrupt the other person and tell your own story. So often people break in with, “Yes, I know exactly what you mean! Here’s what happened to me …” Their own story has become so vivid that they can’t listen to what the other person is saying. When you notice this tendency in yourself, take a deep breath and refocus on what the other person is saying.

Distracted listening

How to you usually listen to others? Check out the list below:

• Listen with only half an ear
• Interrupt
• React
• Take things personally
• Jump to false conclusions
• Rehearse what you’re going to say
• Have a lot of static in your mind

Each one of those points show up an unskillful habit: distracted listening.

There are some wonderful ways to circumvent our defensiveness by learning to listen in a new way, and respond peacefully. We’ll take that up in detail in our Virtual Zen retreat on Peacefulness (you can book your free place in the sidebar). For now, here is a simple way to practice being present with others:

Deep Listening

Deep listening means hearing beyond and below the spoken word. It means hearing the essence of what someone is saying, and noticing the feelings behind their words. When you listen deeply, you are truly present with the other person. Your mind is free of past judgments or thoughts of the future. You can let go of beliefs and prejudices you may have about the other person. You’re not analyzing or figuring things out, you’re simply being present with the other person.
Deep listening has three benefits.

• It’s calming because it brings us back to the present moment.
• It leads to feelings of connection, loving-kindness and compassion.
• It helps us to communicate and creates true understanding.

Deep listening is a wonderful way of bringing the mind of meditation into our life, in order to create peace.

Contemporary Zen master Norman Fisher says:

If you can, stop fussing. Stop trying to make things better. Just listen with a sympathetic loving presence. Be willing to be there without outflows, accepting conditions as they are, and you may transform the conditions… and then something may happen. It’s not about doing something. Just listen – really listen.

We can transform our life and the lives of those around us simply by being present. It’s compassion in action. Of course it’s also very important to be present with ourselves. I’ll write about that soon.

What’s your experience of being present?

***

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FREE Virtual Zen Retreat
Find Forgiveness and Peace
1-5 May 2010

Fill out the form in the sidebar and reserve your place now.

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