By Mary Jaksch

Do you have a calling? By ‘calling’ I mean an abiding passion that shapes your life. Maybe it’s something you are still waiting to discover. Or maybe you already know what it is.

It’s important to find your calling. Because life becomes more meaningful when you align it with your passion.

My calling is to teach. I stumbled upon that truth by accident. Here’s what happened:

Between school and university I did a stint as an instructor at an Outward Bound School in Hirschegg, a mountain village in the German Alps. They were about to run a course for girls, and I was asked to help out as an assistant ski instructor. The Director, Frau Ther, summoned me and offered the choice of two different groups to work with. I could either choose Group A (the group of top skiers), or Group D. These were the girls who had never skied before, and looked like they would never learn it. She asked me to work with each of these two groups on the first day before making a final decision which one I would focus on during the next three weeks.

I agreed to work with both groups, but privately I was sure I would finally choose Group A.

So I first took Group A down the slopes. We zipped along and it was great fun!

Then I went over to Group D. I could see that these girls had already given up. Most of the girls were overweight, ungainly,  or lacked confidence. They had been told that the D group wasn’t allowed to go on the 3-day ski tour – which was the highlight of the four-week Outward Bound course.

I stood in front of the sad little group. Suddenly something within me snapped – and my life changed for ever.

I said, “You – as part of Group D – won’t be allowed to take part in the ski tour because experts say that you can’t learn to ski well enough, right?”

They nodded glumly.

“Well, you can either believe that and give up. Or – you can prove them wrong. If you work hard and do exactly what I say, I promise that I’ll take EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU on the ski tour!”

Their jaws dropped, their eyes lit up, and they began to stand a little taller.

For three weeks I worked them hard each day. I made them groan, cry – and laugh. But I wouldn’t let up. Finally, on the day before the tour, I asked Frau Ther to watch my group ski. You can imagine how nervous all the girls were. But they skied well enough – and were given permission to join the 3-day ski tour. Smiles all ’round!

Next day we donned backpacks and started climbing with skins strapped under our skies. It was a hard slog up the mountains. Soon my group fell behind. Some of the girls got so exhausted, I had to haul them up to standing whenever they fell over and lay sobbing in the snow. Others asked me every five minutes, “How far is it now?” It took us seven hours to struggle up to the first hut. I must admit that a small cloud of doubt formed in my mind: was this really a good idea?

The most difficult time was on day three, because we had to get my group off the mountain again. Skiing downhill on virgin snow can be tricky at the best of times. The other three groups had no problems, but my girls struggled – and fell. Over and over. Finally we managed to get them down. Uninjured.

You should have seen the wrap-around grins the girls sported as we returned to base! For many of the girls – as well as for me – this tour was a game-changer. It shaped my life, and I forged friendships that abide to this day.

Ever since then I’ve been passionate about bringing out people’s hidden potential. It stirs me; it touches my heart; it warms my soul. Yes, it’s my calling. For sure.

What about you? What is your calling? How did you discover it?

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Check out the A-List Blogger Club that Leo Babauta and Mary Jaksch run.  It’s where we help people to discover their hidden talent as bloggers. Join this week and get a special BONUS!

By Mary Jaksch

Do you feel that life is accelerating? Maybe you look back at the last five years and wonder where time went. It may even feel as if all that’s left is stress – without moments of joy and peacefulness.

I must admit, I too feel like that at times. But when I do, I reach for the miracle cure. This miracle cure doesn’t come in a bottle. We can’t buy it.

We already have within us all we need to cure stress.

I’m talking about the miracle of ‘Now’. The amazing thing is that when we enter the ‘Now’ and become present – even just for a moment, stress dissolves.

How can we become present?

The key to becoming present is awareness. We often confuse awareness with concentration. But these two mind-states are very different. Concentration is like a narrow beam of light shining on a task.

Awareness is the soft, full light of attention.

The word ‘attend’ implies that there is tenderness at work, that we are seeing with the heart. Attention means paying tender regard to beasts and birds, neighbors, coffee cups and pencil sharpeners. When we pay tender regard to the dishes, even washing the dishes becomes a joy!

Toni Packer, a contemporary meditation master says:

Attention comes from nowhere. It has no cause. It belongs to no-one. When it functions effortlessly, there is no duality.

What she’s saying is that when we’re attending to the present moment, we lose the sharp distinction between the self locked in this skinbag, and the world outside. We feel the world open!

And we make friends with our body.

Suddenly you feel the tension in your shoulders, the little bubble of hope in your mind, or the haze of sadness in your heart.

Paying tender regard is simple – but it’s not easy.
We need to stay steady in the face of our changing moods and the stimuli bombarding our senses.

What’s the connection with stress?

When we are stressed, our mind is split. One part is firmly focused on whatever is pressing in upon us, while the other part is giving minimal attention to whatever tasks need to be done quickly in the meantime.

Let me give you an example. Imagine that you are late for work and are rushing around at home on order to leave. If a loved one starts telling you something important about what they are going to do today, how much attention is going to be on what they are telling you? Not much, I would think.

When we become present, we stop being preocccupied. In the space that opens for a moment, we can breathe deeply and listen deeply. For a moment, stress slips off our shoulders. And we can learn to have more and more moments of peacefulness in our life.

A Zen student of mine writes:

Each moment is a new opportunity, the next one is as fresh and full of promise as the thousand before that you missed, and it is completely empty of any judgment whatsoever, nothing is carried over that you take with you, you don’t have to pass a good-person exam before you enter, it is totally unconditional. It’s as if it is saying.. “Ok, so you missed me the last ten thousand moments, but look! Here I am again!….. and again!….. and again!” And you are welcomed with open arms.

Here’s how to take the miracle medicine

There is a very simple way to become present. And the great thing is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. You can try it right now.

Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. Listen to the sounds around you and feel the ground under your feet. As soon as you are present, gently touch thumb and forefinger together on each hand.

This light touch is the trigger that can help you access the present moment, and escape stress.
Whenever you feel stressed, stop for a moment, take one deep breath, and touch thumbs and forefingers together.

This article first appeared in Marc and Angel Hack Life

Guest post by Eric Klein of www.dharmaconsulting.com

I just spent several days at my brother’s house in Lyons Colorado. He lives on 22 acres (that back up to thousands of acres of National Forest – can you say paradise). But, because there’s so much land, he has to make sure the dogs, Rama and Tandi, don’t wander off. Enter – the “invisible fence” company who installed an electronic fence that allowed the dogs to run freely over three acres. The dogs quickly adapted to their “shocking” parameters.

Then, Peter expanded their territory. He moved the fence line to include an additional three acres. More space. More exercise. And access the river. But, the dogs wouldn’t cross over the previously established line. They “knew” what was ahead – shock and pain. And so, they sat in the dirt staring at us urging them forward.

“Come on Rama. Come on Tandi,” we called in our most encouraging you-can-trust-us voices. But, the dogs wouldn’t move. They were held in place by . . . memory.

Memory creates invisible fences.

Your memory of past meetings, projects, and interactions creates invisible fences that shape your present thoughts, speech, and actions. And limit

Sometimes these memory-based fences are useful.

They provide a sense of reliability, consistency, and coherence. You know who your allies are – based the memory of past collaborations. You know who you need to be wary of – based on the memory of past difficulties. You don’t have to assess every situation or interaction in the moment. You  rely on your memory to guide you.

And the more you rely on memory, the more those patterns are encoded into your neurology.

The more these patterns are encoded into your neurology – the less you have to think about them. They operate on reflex, automatically governing your behavior.

This reflexive way of engaging with your world, works well – as long as the world doesn’t change.

But, when the world changes – like when my brother moved the electronic boundary line – the memory remains. And it’s the memory that continues to automatically react to the world – even though those reactions no longer make sense.

Then, relying on memory is no longer efficient – it’s limiting.

Because even when situations change, when your conscious goals change, when you want to think and act in new ways – the encoded patterns persist. And because they operate at a level of functioning that is faster than conscious thought, the patterns of the past assert themselves before you know it.

Your memory-based reflexes seem to have a mind of their own.

And in a very practical sense, they do. Having been deeply encoded and streamlined into your neurology, these reflexive programs of thought, speech, and action don’t have to waste time “thinking” before it reacts.

These reflexive patterns are somatic – woven into the your neurology and psychology at the deepest levels.

To communicate with this somatic mind, you need to use “language” it understands.

Wordy-words and logic won’t communicate to this somatic mind. You can’t argue with it. You can’t lecture it. It doesn’t respond to that kind of persuasion.

You can communicate to your somatic mind through the breath. First you have to make contact.

You do this by intentionally approaching the invisible fence.

You activate a memory – of a person, situation, event where:

• You’re reflexive habits no longer serve you.
• Where you want to show up in a new way.
• But, where you keep falling, reflexively, into patterns of the past.

You activate the memory just enough to “light up” those reactive neural pathways. Just enough so you start to feel the burning in your stomach. The narrowing of your eyes. The clenching of your jaw. (Or whatever your body does when it tightens and tenses).

Bring your attention to the “hot spot”.

Focus your awareness on the obvious point of tension – in your body. The place where you feel the reaction percolating. If you can, place your hand there. Place your hand there in a gesture of care and attention.

Feel the gently warmth and reassuring touch of your hand.

Now, communicate to that part of you via the breath. Let your breath find a natural, gentle rhythm. If it feels comfortable, slightly extend the exhale.

Let the message of your hand and the rhythm of your breath communicate care, safety, and acceptance. Notice how the touch and the breath allow the tension to relax.

Again, bring the “challenging memory” to mind.

Notice how the reflexive response has changed.

And again, place your hand and breathe. As the tension relaxes, feel the energy that has been locked up in the reflexive pattern spreading through your body.

Feel the power that’s been bound up in the reflex, being released into your body.

It’s now available for you to conscious focus into new ways of being, new ways of thinking, new ways of acting. This method works because the somatic-mind can’t really distinguish between a “real” external event and an “imagined” internal event.

The same neural pathways will light up, either way. The same reflexes get triggered.

But the difference is that you can purposefully calibrate the degree of “activation” via your imagination.

You have your hand on the dial, as it were. So, you can gradually condition your somatic mind to stay open, present, and resourceful – rather than to become tense, memory-based, and reflexive.

By communicating regularly to the places of tension/reactivity in your body – using touch and breath – you free yourself from the confinement of your own invisible fences.

Then, when challenges arise in your environment, rather than revert to automatic (out-dated and unconscious) behaviors you can respond creatively and in ways that reflect your highest values.

Eric Klein is a meditation teacher and author of You are the Leader You’ve Been Waiting For. He blogs at www.dharmaconsulting.com/blog

The great omission in American life is solitude…that zone of time and space, free from the outside pressures, which is the incinerator of the spirit.
-Marya Mannes

Guest Post by Scott Dinsmore of ReadingForYourSuccess

When was the last time you were alone? I mean really alone.

No people, no noise, no technology, no distractions what so ever. Just you and your thoughts. For me the last time was 14 years ago on an Outward Bound adventure. I was left alone in the forest with nothing but a sleeping bag, water and a pencil and paper for 24hrs.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

Being alone can be scary. It causes us to question all kinds of things. Ourselves, our actions, our life. The distractions of the world are so many that ‘fortunately’ we can go practically our whole life without ever thinking deeply about what we’re really doing. All the chatter drowns out our deepest thoughts. Without space to grow, our best ideas may never materialize. We have to clear out some room.

The Benefits of Voluntary Solitude

Doing things alone is awesome. You are in complete control and you get to let the moments take you wherever they please. There are no agendas or personalities to satisfy. No one to compare against. You’ll see people and the world in an entirely different light. Just pure exploring. I fell in love with it when I lived in Spain. Solo travel is the perfect example.

You get to slow down. See and appreciate the world around you. Think consciously about your life without constantly reacting to the thousands of monkeys thrown on your back each day.

You learn to appreciate your own company. Spending time alone allows us to get to know ourselves. To let it all hang out with no worry of others’ perceptions. Be your own best company and never be without a friend.

You do things you’d never do. When I’m alone I do so much more thinking, reading, writing, meditating, observing and exploring than I’d ever do around the hustle of society. Your priorities change. Life gets simpler.

Whether you are constantly around people or not, some intentional time to let your thoughts run wild can be valuable medicine for us all.

How to Get the Most Out of Time with Yourself

1. Schedule it. Pick at least a night and ideally a full weekend or a few days where you’ll be alone.

2. Leave town. Solitude can be experienced at home but I’ve found it best to get out of your surroundings. It helps break the pattern of everyday life and thinking.

3. Find a place without distractions. Maybe a friend or family’s mountain cabin, beach or lake house. Anything to get away. The cheapest and simplest is to pitch a tent in the woods for a few days. Another idea is a meditation retreat for a day, a few days or longer. You won’t have a choice but to slow down. I have done various one and two-day retreats and loved them. Goodlife Zen and Mary’s Virtual Retreats are great ways to ease into taking some time to yourself.

4. Be close to nature. This always helps get us back to our roots and immediately tends to calm the desire to do a million things at once. The fresh air, colors and sounds are some of the best therapy one can find.

5. East simply. Stick to a bunch of water, nuts, fruits and vegetables if you can. It makes shopping cheap and easy and you might find yourself with a bit more energy when you return to reality.

6. Pack simply. There will be no one to impress out there so pack light. Only the bare necessities. Books, journal and a few personal items. Err on the side of less. It gives you one less thing to worry about before and during your adventure.

7. Leave the technology at home. For your first retreat I’d recommend no technology at all and especially no internet. Don’t kid yourself. If it’s there, it will consume you. Leave it behind. I’d even recommend a couple days with nothing. Not even a journal or book. Then you are guaranteed to do the things you rarely do at home. You are forced simply to be. There is nothing to check off so it’s impossible to be in a rush. The feeling will be wild.

Note: If you must have a computer (say if writing is the purpose of your getaway), only allow it in designated times and avoid connecting to the web. Perhaps mornings and nights (so you can enjoy your days outside).

8. Get rid of your watch and calendar. Let the days flow as they may. For the first time in a while, you have nowhere to be.

9. Take some deep breaths. Find someplace quiet. Sit still. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Ideally do this outside. Think about nothing at all. Just listen and enjoy. Some call this meditation. Call it whatever you want. Take at least a couple 30 minute sessions a day to just be.

10. Ask the big questions of yourself. The ones you never have a chance to ask. What am I passionate about? What’s great in my life? What am I proud of? What is my purpose? What am I best at? What am I meant to do in this world? The point is not to solve life’s problems. It is to open your mind to them and address the idea that there’s a lot to be learned about yourself.

You Deserve Some Solitude

Life has gotten too complicated to not reserve some time to ourselves and our thoughts every once in a while. It is not just about being alone. It’s about being disconnected from life and consciously connected with your thoughts. For those of you who claim you don’t have time for it, you are the ones who need it most. Trust me, I was there with you.

There will always be times in life when you are alone, whether it’s your decision or not. Why not get used to them and learn to embrace the calm? These times give us a chance to experience life in a way we never otherwise would.

Make solitude a priority and your mind and body will thank you.

“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are  afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.”

-Deepak Chopra

Read more inspiring articles from Scott Dinsmore at Reading For Your Success where he is committed to making your life and career a success, on your terms, through “action-based reading”. Subscribe here to Scott’s future articles.

By Mary Jaksch

This is a crucial question: what makes your life worthwhile? And you need to know the answer. Because if you know what does, you can do more of it – and feel happier.  Although this is a crucial question, we don’t tend to ask it very often.

The question is not only important for us as individuals, it’s crucial for our communities and countries. At present, the well-being of a country is rated by the GDP, the Gross Domestic Product. But is that really a relevant benchmark?

Chip Conley – one of the new breed of compassionate entrepreneurs – went in search of a business model based upon happiness. In an old friendship with an employee and in the wisdom of a Buddhist king, he learned that success comes from what you makes peoples’ lives worthwhile. Watch the video below and then skip down to my final question.

So, here is the important question:

What makes YOUR life worthwhile?
Please share your thoughts in the comments.

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

A guest post by Mark Owen-Ward of Energy Applied

Noise

It’s everywhere.

As sound it presents itself as constant traffic noise or as the television in the background. It’s the beeping alarm that wrenches us awake to start another day. Throughout the day we will be assaulted by our “really cool” ringtone, by text messages and email alerts.

Visually, noise shows up as cluttered road signs, as the hundreds of magazines in the newsagent, or in the chaos of retail outlets where every square inch has been assessed and utilized to make us buy.

We are bombarded by smells and aromas from dawn to dusk, from exhaust fumes to petro-chemical based colognes and aftershaves, from the plastics in our cars to the air-fresheners in our homes. Most of the time, we don’t even smell these odours.

In our minds, as multi-tasking and demanding quick thinkers, we are drowning in a noisy torrent of our own thoughts, desires and emotions.

Noise is an indiscriminant pollutant: hypnotic but toxic. A life full of noise is a life without relief or space to simply be.

Silence

Breathe.

Stop for a while.

Give yourself permission to just sit down and be still for a few minutes.

Silence is so much more than “the condition of being or keeping still and silent.” We need silence to hear ourselves and make our own choices.

In the twenty first century we unwittingly choose noise at every opportunity, inviting it into our lives and into our heads; no wonder one third of the population needs anti-depressants at some time.

We need silence to bring us back to the present moment, to the here and now. We need silence in order to reflect on what has recently passed so we can avoid repeating mistakes. We need stillness to recharge and to relax and to free our mind from the constant stream of desires that propel us to a future where our life doesn’t yet exist.

We need silence to allow creativity to flourish and to realize our dreams. In crushing the necessary peace needed for imagination and recuperation, we crush our potential.

We need silence to know who we are. Enslaved to noise, we can only focus on escape and the future, looking forward to becoming the person we believe we might be.

Ten steps for bringing silence into our noisy world

Becoming aware of the dominance of noise is the first step to bringing more silence, stillness and peace into your life. The benefits of silence are real, no matter how small the periods you can manage:

1. Be aware that you need daily time for silence and stillness.
2. Start your day in silence by changing your alarm from a buzz or a beep to a radio and set it to a classical radio station.
3. Start your day earlier and give yourself twenty minutes with no agenda. Just wake early and be still and quiet. If it feels strange to begin with just relax and breathe with it – the rewards are worth the effort.
4. Leave the radio or TV off in the morning – there are many other ways you can catch up on the news during the day.
5. Pay attention to each thing that you do as you do it. For example, as you shower be aware of the sound of the water and the feeling of the water on your skin.
6. Go perfume free for the day – notice your sense of smell today. Without your own personal olfactory arsenal blitzing your delicate nasal passages you will notice more smells today (good and bad).
7. Listen on your way to work. If you drive, leave the radio off – if you take a train, try the journey without reading a newspaper or listening to your ipod. Instead pay attention to your surroundings and really see what is there. Why not try a different route?
8. Don’t eat lunch at your desk, go out instead and sit under a tree. Look up at the leaves and listen to the sound of the leaves moving. You only need five to ten minutes to commune with nature. Pay attention to the colour of the leaves and the texture of the bark; touch the bark and feel the roughness of it and contrast that with all the smooth textures that you are used to in your usual environments.
9. Do something different this evening; leave the TV switched off. Try walking around your neighbourhood on a route you’ve not travelled before – introduce yourself to some neighbours you’ve never spoken to before.
10. Clear the clutter from your bedroom and spend some time in there in quietness. Write down your thoughts from the day and reflect on what you have noticed. Sleep without reading first, even if it takes longer.

Making space for silence in your life is a choice that will reward you with a clearer mind, protection from stress and a good physical recharge. Find space for silence in little pockets throughout the day – you will find that the more mindful you become, the more space for silence you create.

Mark Owen-Ward is a wellness coach, personal trainer, minimalist, photographer, and father of three. His passion lies in helping people develop new habits for simple wellness which he writes about at his blog, Energy Applied.

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Note from Mary Jaksch: I’m proud to announce that Mark Owen-Ward is a member of the A-List Blogger Club where Leo Babauta and I shape the top bloggers of tomorrow.

In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few. ~ Shunryu Suzuki

Do you remember what it was like when you fell in love with someone or something? I’m sure you remember the glow, the excitement, and the joy.

Did you remain enthusiastic – or did the glow fade?

If we’re honest, something happens in time. And it’s not pretty. Love seems to peter out, and enthusiasm wears off.

If we focus on a particular skill, we become an ‘expert’ in time. That’s a worry. Because as Zen Master Shuryu Suzuki warned, in the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few.

We can regain the excitement and love that we once felt through cultivating Beginner’s Mind

What Zen people call Beginner’s Mind, is a state of ultimate freshness. It’s a way of experiencing everything anew in each moment. Before I offer some suggestions of how to cultivate Beginner’s Mind, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had recently.

Some weeks ago, I decided to return to karate training, after an absence of 5 years. I talked my teacher, Grandmaster (Hanshi) Andy Barber, and we agreed that I would come back as a lowly White Belt (after leaving as a 4th Dan Blackbelt). I was delighted with the idea. It was fun training as a White Belt. In fact, it has been one of my most interesting life experiments.

Now that my status was wiped away, the challenge was to embody the essence of being a senior Blackbelt – without wearing any outward sign at all.

What I found was that starting over allowed me to reconnect with my Martial Art practice in a new way. Because I restarted as a beginner, I could let go of all the mind-baggage that had collected in my previous eighteen years of practice. It all became very simple and beautiful: just this punch, just this kick, just this block.

Starting over with Beginner’s Mind enabled me to train in a totally different way. I was able to drop all the ideas of how I should be. (Because when we function as an ‘expert’, we carry a lot of shoulds.) Without the commentary in my mind, I could gather myself in silence of body and mind, and then explode into action from within that deep silence. I would have happily stayed a White Belt for ever, and just worked hard to perfect simple things. But my teacher is now slowly stepping me up the grades again…

Imagine for a moment what it would be like for you to start over. What would it be like to be a complete beginner again? In our culture the word ‘beginner’ has a negative connotation. But, in fact, to be a beginner is the ultimate way to approach a task.

Beginners Mind is the pathway to true mastery

Here is how to access Beginner’s Mind:

1. Focus on one step at a time – without looking back or forward.
   So often our energy is sapped through the way we use dwell in the past or in the future.
   .
2. Lose yourself in action.
   Our full power only appears when we forget ourselves. The way to do that is to focus on sensations. Notice how your feet feel on the ground, how your heart beats, or how your breath flows in and out.
   .
3. Let go of stories.
   We all accumulate stories about our habitual actions or our relationships. These stories often come with a ‘but’. For example, we may think, “Yeah, I really love doing xxx, but …” Stories that include ‘but’ are joykillers. When you notice such stories, resolutely put them out of your mind and focus on sense experiences.
   .
4. Be willing to rediscover what you think you know
   As an expert we think we know something. And maybe we do. But if we approach this knowledge with Beginner’s Mind, we are able to see it in a new way. And that unhindered seeing allows us to be creative, to get out of our rut, and to grow in a new way.
   .
5. Let go of status
   Status is a hindrance. Because it creates stories in your mind. What others think about you is not your business. If you let go of ideas about your status, you’ll live a life of happy freedom. So many people live their lives yearning for a higher status, or worrying that they don’t measure up to the status they have. What a waste of energy!

As Shunryu Suzuki said, ‘in the mind of the beginner there are many possibilities’. If you allow yourself to start over – whether it’s with a skill, or whether its in a relationship – you’ll discover new possibilities and a new freedom.

You might even gain true mastery – which is doing what you love with Beginner’s Mind.

What is your experience of starting over?

When you vent your anger, you simply open the energy that is feeding your anger. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

a guest post by leah mcclellan of Peaceful Planet

Even the most calm and level-headed among us gets angry from time to time. It doesn’t mean we’re backsliding in our quest for happiness, and it doesn’t mean we’re bad people or that there’s something “wrong” with us. It just means we’re like everyone else.

For some, anger rears up fast and furious in loud arguments and harsh words. Others don’t like to admit they’re angry but it leaks out anyway in sarcasm, complaints, and cutting remarks. Still others become short and snappish at the end of a long, difficult day or when overloaded with any kind of stress. Anger—along with its cousins aggravation, irritation, and frustration—can be sneaky because it often hitches a ride without our permission or even knowledge. It’s only when our attitudes become uncaring and our words unkind that we realize we have company—unless we’re intentionally mindful of anger.

But what can you do to avoid angry words?

Here are some tips for keeping your words peaceful.

1. nurture compassion by living it
Consider the movies and TV shows that you watch, the things you talk about and listen to with friends and family, and your choice of attitude toward others. If your lifestyle “diet” is filled with angry things, consider eliminating or reducing some.

2. take good care of yourself
Sufficient sleep, a healthy diet, exercise, and meditation or yoga reduce stress which helps you to have more patience and tolerance for others. When you feel good, it’s easier to feel good about others.

3. know your limits
Avoid over-scheduling and constant multi-tasking. Turn off the TV, the computer, the cell phone. Take breaks from work, noise, and distraction. Make your home or office a sanctuary of peace instead of a hub of frantic activity. Consider a 15-minute nap when you come home from work.

4. resolve conflicts
Initiate constructive discussions as conflicts arise. Focus on issues, alternatives, compromises, and resolutions. Express your needs and make requests rather than announcing what’s “wrong” with the other person.

5. let it go
If a conflict or difference of opinion can’t be resolved right away, let it go. Don’t dwell on unfairness and injustice, and don’t bring it up in an unrelated conversation. Consider rescheduling a talk for another time or reevaluating the issue’s importance in your life.

6. know your triggers
If certain challenging people or situations can’t or shouldn’t be avoided, then prepare for them. Decide how to handle the situation calmly and what to do if you’re unable to stay calm. If you do lose your cool, consider it a learning experience. Figure out why certain people or things make you so mad, and find different, more empathetic ways to think about them.

7. take a break
If you feel irritation and anger rising up during a discussion, tell your loved one or friend that you need a break. Go for a walk. Stretch. Breathe. Get in touch with that calm, peaceful part of yourself and remember how much you care about and love the other person.

8. make choices
Remind yourself that you are not your anger, and you are not your thoughts. You don’t have to react to your anger with more anger. Remember that you can choose kind, calm words and avoid using words that hurt. Choosing caring words can help your anger dissipate, but angry words feed the fire in yourself and in other people.

9. cultivate compassion intentionally
Instead of thinking about yourself and what you must get from someone, reflect on what you can give to other people. When we shine our light of love into other people’s lives, that light is reflected back to us.

10. reconsider venting
If you like to “vent” or complain with friends or family, think again. Asking for advice can be helpful. But angry words about the person you’re having a conflict with (or punching a pillow or kicking something) only feeds the fire. It doesn’t really get it out.

When we use angry, unkind words we not only hurt others, we also hurt ourselves by damaging our relationships with people we love and care about. And the only good thing that might come out of angry words is an apology.

But an apology can’t undo damage, and it can’t change the fact that our words have hurt someone. Accepting our anger, understanding it, and knowing we can make choices that are healthier and more compassionate for ourselves and the people we love is a wonderful step on the road to a happier life.

Leah McClellan is a freelance writer, part-time English instructor, gardener, vegetarian, and animal lover who dreams of world peace and writes about communication at Peaceful Planet.

By Mary Jaksch

It can be difficult to forgive those who  hurt us. In fact, we sometimes cling to our grievances and grudges. Because our stories of grievance and resentment are a way to define who we think we are.

Just think for a moment – do you carry stories of grievances?

I’ve met many people whose lives are completely consumed by their story of neglect or abuse. It may be a story of how their parents or other family member mistreated them, or how a partner or friend betrayed them, or how they fell victim to a crime.

Now this may sound strange, but there is a payoff from carrying grudges.

The payoff of resentful stories is that we can blame failure or misery on others. We don’t have to take responsibility for what our life is like. And our stories of grievance can also get other people to take our side. Such stories can create a ‘them against us’ scenario. Stories about grievances have been told since the beginning of mankind.  Like K D Lang’s celebrated song Trail of Broken Hearts.

Why should we let go of grievance, and embrace forgiveness? It’s quite simple, really.

Grievance makes us miserable – forgiveness set us free

But aren’t some thing just too hard to forgive? Here is the story of Anne Marie Hagan from Canada:

Anna was a 19 year old nursing student when she saw her father brutally murdered by a neighbor who was suffering from schizophrenia. She became completely consumed with anger, bitterness, vengeance, and self-pity: “I was absolutely determined that this man would never, ever regain his freedom. The longer he was locked away, the greater the value of my father’s life.”

And then, 17 years later she saw the perpetrator face-to-face:

It was during this meeting, while learning more about him as a human being and the horrendous suffering that he’d endured, that everything changed.

She writes that in that meeting,  16 years and 10 months of misery was just wiped away.

As he started to cry and said, “I’m to blame, I’m to blame”, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed around the table and hugged him, telling him that I forgave him. I remember saying to him, “Blame is too strong a word, blame is too strong a word.”

Can we learn to forgive?
The good news is that we learn to forgive. It’s important to understand that forgiveness isn’t just an act of will. The path to forgiveness is through compassion, and there are a number of steps that make it easier to move towards forgiveness.

Here is what Anne Marie Hagan says:

I could never have imagined that in doing so, I would set myself free. Finally I was able to let go of all the pain and torment that had held me captive, realizing that I’d been my own jailer. My life changed as I began to see the world.

My father’s killer is now 59 years old. He has a job, and he’s working towards a university degree. I admire him for having the strength and the courage to rebuild his life. I visit him regularly. We have talked at length about what happened on that fateful day, and how my forgiving him has changed both our lives.

You can see how Anne Marie’s life changed in a wonderful way after she was able to forgive. She could now move forward and throw off the shackles of the past.

Can we learn to forgive?

The good news is that we can learn to forgive. But it is not just a single act of will. The pathway to forgiveness is through compassion. Here is what Anne Marie Hagan says:

Forgiveness is not permission. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what the offender has done, or that they had a right to do what they did.  Forgiveness cannot be conditional on remorse because that would mean we can only forgive those who are sorry. Forgiveness is recognizing that the offender is a human being who is deserving of kindness, compassion and love despite the harm they have done.

So what about you – are you willing find the path to forgiveness?

If so, you may like to join us for the next FREE Virtual Zen Retreat How to Forgive and Find Peace (May 1-5. 2010).

Here  are the themes we’ll explore:

• Why should we forgive?
• How forgiveness can be a journey of healing.
• How you can learn to forgive yourself.
• How to forgive: the pathway of compassion.
• How to find peace

Virtual Zen Retreats are designed to work in with your everyday life at home or at work. Each day you’ll get an article, a video, and selected readings, and you’ll be able to share with other participants – or ask questions of myself – in our private forum.

This Virtual Zen Retreats is FREE. But we can only accept a restricted number of participants. If you’re keen to join us, please fill in the form in the sidebar now. Or click here to find out more.

By Mary Jaksch

What do you want from life? Many people struggle with this question. Maybe you do too? Life can get so busy that we don’t have time to really think about what we want out of life. And when we do find what we want, it can seem impossible to achieve it.

I’m planning new eBook. So I’m keen to address what you want to know and what would make a difference to your life. I recently emailed participants of Virtual Zen Retreats and asked, ‘What is the one thing you want from life?’ I got some fascinating answers and want to share them with you. Below you can find some of the responses. If you add your response in the comments, I’ll send you a link to a special video I’m preparing about how to be insanely productive and yet have peace of mind.

Here’s what other people want from life. Which responses do you resonate with?

Spirituality

1. to have some clarity of mind;
2. to feel each day more nearer to my inner self, be centered;
3. to know myself;
4. to have a greater level of spiritual joy that raises me above our human burdens;
5. to live with intention and purpose;
6. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
7. to get a meaningful glimpse of the spiritual good side of everyone I come in contact with;
8. to learn how to meditate when you do not have a lot of time to do so;
9. to know how to abandon the shallower world around us to reach greater levels of peace;
10. to really feel alive. I know that feeling. It doesn’t matter if you feel sad or happy there is a richness to it that is sometimes missing and I feel a dullness;
11. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
12. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;

Meaningful Life

13. at the end, to be able to say I made a positive change that had a major effect on a large community (leaving the world better off somehow)
14. the one thing I want out of life is purpose. To find my calling and live it;



15. to know that I am on the path to finding and following my calling;
16. to help people heal old wounds;
17. to live with intention and purpose;
18. to live my life as I do and want, to grow my soul through the lessons;
19. to be creative;
20. to learn how to stop myself from being short with my loved ones when they try to be kind;
21. to understand life’s purpose;
22. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
    

    Happiness

23. to be who I am, total connection with my spirit;
24. to end disconnection from others (which leads to loneliness);



25. to be in touch with life;
26. to be intimate and less afraid;
    

    Peace of Mind

27. to have peace of mind;
28. to be free from worry and fear



29. to honor our bodies, our minds, our spirits – and each other;
30. to feel serenity in making life decisions that are aligned with all those values;
31. to be peaceful so I may be free of these knee jerk responses so that I may act from compassion and wisdom;
32. to have peace of mind and clarity;
33. to stop my perfectionism and actually do better at work and in everything else;
34. to have silence in my head;
35. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
36. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
37. to stop judging my thoughts;
38. to ride peacefully with whatever is presented on my journey;
39. to learn how to maintain internal emotional peace (especially from fear), so that I can gain self-confidence.
40. to learn step by step processes on how let go, detach, not judge, feel inner peace;
41. how to control anguish, frustration, and not to let others harm you;
42. not to compare my needs with others and be attached to outcomes to look good;
43. how to feel free. I know it is all in my head, but I often feel hindered by other people and their demands. Why can I not be who I am and not feel guilty about it?
    

    Productivity

44. to master time-management;
45. to develop self discipline;
46. to create good habits;
47. to experience a paradigm shift that helps me view challenges differently, especially relating to self discipline and motivation;



48. to learn how to be in the zone;
49. to be more productive and focused;
    

    Self-acceptance and confidence

50. to build enough self-confidence to spread my message to wider audiences;
51. to quiet the negative self-talk;
52. to move away from negative self-limiting thoughts;
53. to quell my self doubts and just get on with it so that my life doesn’t feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back;



54. to recognize all the good in my life, and being content with it.
55. to worry less about my performance at work (which is very high, but due to family conditioning, I always feel ‘on trial’);
56. to feel more courage, and less embarrassment;
57. to be confident about consistently making good decisions;
    

    Meaningful Work

58. to fInd a way to earn a living doing something that contributes to others, yet doesn’t rob my soul;
59. to find a passion and stick with it;
60. to find a way to pursue my calling while also supporting my family financially.
61. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.



62. to find how to reconcile productivity and relaxation. Oftentimes I get so engaged in my work that I end up burning out or running into hours for relaxation.
63. to truly zero in on the essence of what my talent or gift is;
64. to realize that what I have to offer is exactly what the world needs at this point in time;
65. to achieve my fullest potential in terms of skills that I have;
66. to translate my potential into a comfortable lifestyle for me and my family;
67. to feel like I’m not just ‘going through the motions’ at work and remove the feeling that my ‘real’ life is lived outside of work
68. to know what I want and have the resolve not to re-evaluate it too soon;
    

    Happiness

69. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
    to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids, the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people.
70. to make a positive difference for people close to me. and therefore be happy.



71. to maintain a good work/life balance;

In the light of these responses, it seems that what most people yearn for is to feel peaceful, to be relieved of self-doubts, and to engage in meaningful work.

Which of these responses do you resonate with?
What would you like to add to this list?
Please offer us your thoughts in the comments.