Photo: audreyjm529

To be at ease means to be in harmony with circumstances.

When we’re at ease we’re unselfconscious and confident. We feel connected. Our body is soft, natural, fluid, and graceful. When we are ill at ease we’ re self-conscious and tentative. We feel isolated. Our body is uptight and unresponsive. But the more we try to be at ease, the more we feel anxious and self-conscious. In the following I suggest three ways to escape self-consciousness.

Let’s look at situations which tend to make us feel ill of ease:

Performing in front of others.

When we’re ill at ease, our mind is filled with thoughts about how others see us, and that maybe we’re not good enough. I remember the first time I was Ino (chant leader) at one of Robert Aitken Roshi’s sesshins in Honolulu. As I was getting ready to chant, I looked around the room and recognised at least 10 really experienced chantleaders. I felt petrified and thought, “They’ll think I really suck at this.” In actual fact nobody was thinking about me. I was the only one! It took me two days to realise this. Then I settled down and started to enjoy the role. I learned that a good way to regain ease is to focus on the task and let go of evaluating one’s performance. I found that the easiest way to focus on the task is to experience the sensations in one’s body as one performs.

Being the centre of attention.

My partner, David, is a tango teacher. He loves dancing. When he hears music he likes, he’ll jump up, grab me, and start dancing. That might happen in a restaurant or even in the middle of the road. As we rotate, people’s faces float into view: mouths open, eyes agape. At those moments David is caught up in the trance of the music. But I’m not. Or not at once. I’ve learned how to relax and start enjoying myself half way through the dance, though. I’ve found that the way to more ease in such moments is to resolutely let go of self-reflective thoughts, like ‘They’ll all think we’re crazy’ or ‘I really suck at this’, or ‘

I wish I could disappear into a crack in the floor’ and so on. It also helps to focus one’s senses, and to pay attention what one hears, sees, smells, feels and so on.

Feeling isolated at a party.

Imagine that you are at a party and don’t know anyone at all. You are standing alone, clutching your glass and feel self-conscious, wondering why you came. What do you do? Look around and spot someone else who is ill at ease. Go up to them and start talking. Focus on getting to know them. Ask open-ended questions (ones that can’t be answered with ‘yes’ and ‘

no’.) Set yourself the task to connect with seven people at the party in this way. As your interest in others is kindled you’ll begin to relax and forget yourself.

The royal road to ease is meditation.

These practical tips will help you relax in stressful situations. But it’s important to develop a deeper sense of ease with oneself. This is what meditation can help. The reason it helps is because the focus of life slowly changes from the me-tape of ‘I, me, myself’, to attention on whatever the present moment offers. When we are fully immersed in the moment, there is no room for the ‘

me-tape’ in the mind and little by little we forget to be self-conscious and develop ease.

Photo: Peter Kurdulija
Is your mind in a spin? Do you feel stressed? Here are three ways to calm your mind in an instant.

• The deep breath.

Take a deep breath. Fill your belly and your chest as your inhale deeply. Then release the breath, letting it flow out naturally. Notice how your mind changes when you do this. The deep breath can help you in difficult situations. For example, if you feel a surge of anger and are just about to lash out, taking a deep breath allows you to retain control of yourself. Use the deep breath often during the day. It is especially useful when you are feeling uptight or angry: it can release you from the grip of strong emotions. When you take a deep breath, you regain an overview over what is happening. It’s as if you are call forth your innate power of wisdom.

• The sigh

Another technique of instant calmness is the sigh. Draw the air in rapidly through your nose or mouth and expel it with a whoosh. Try it and notice what happens. The sigh is a release technique. Use it to let go of pent-up worries or to untangle the mind. For example, if you are at work and are trying to hold too many thoughts in your mind, simply stop what you are doing for a moment and sigh.

• The slow release

Inhale through your nose with energy and exhale through your mouth very slowly while counting to ten. As you breathe out, let your shoulders drop. This is a very powerful way to calm the mind and relax tension in the body. Use it if your mind is very scattered. For example, if you are meditating and find that your mind is running wild, take three slow release breaths to settle your mind.

Experiment with one-breath calmness techniques. You may find that one of the three works particularly well for you, or that each one works best in particular circumstances. If you work at a computer a lot of the time, try installing a break reminder program. You can set it up so that a pop-up reminds you of taking mini-breaks. Try and use it to take a calming breath each time.