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Some of us lack a couple of gears; it’s either full power ahead or nothing. Do you suffer from that? I do. My All or Nothing mode was forged a long ago. I come from a family of high achievers and my mother’s way of responding to achievement was — well, see for yourself. Here is an interchange that happened when I was about 11 years old:

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I bounced home from school after Sports Day, “Mummy, Mummy - I got second place in the 100 metre sprints today!!”
My mother looked at me in concern, “Second place? Oh, what went wrong?”

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You get the picture? No wonder I’m an All or Nothing girl!

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I’ve tried hard not to pass it on to my son. But it must have leaked out somehow. I gave a wry smile when I heard Sebastian say recently, after I suggested taking up kite-surfing: “No. I’m not going to take up a new sport. I haven’t got time to devote to a new one. And I’m not interested in being mediocre at things.”
Oh dear. All or Nothing - here we come!

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I’ve been trying to modify my All or Nothing pattern recently. With mixed success. I’ll give you an example: I’m focussing on becoming fitter and more flexible in the next 8 weeks. For starters I’m trying an experiment to see what happens to my body if I go to a yoga class each day for 4 weeks. (That’s maybe in the ALL basket??) Today I also resumed some uphill running for cardio-vascular fitness. Instead of jogging right to the top of a hill nearby, I decided to just run to the first bend and then add a bend each day until I get to the top easily. (Maybe that’s a bit more modulated?).

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All or Nothing is a mode that creates perfectionists. It has a bad rap. Here is an example from a delightful blog by singer/writer Christine Kane

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All or Nothing thinking says, “You either do this perfectly, or you don’t even bother.” It’s one of the biggest blocks to making positive changes in your life. It’s one of the biggest blocks to making your life work at all.

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But is it really all bad?

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Let’s take a look at the Pro’s and Con’s of the All or Nothing mindset: Read the rest of this entry »

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Do you sometimes feel grumpy? I do. It’s a mood that happens to all of us at times.Grumpiness is an important warning sign that our life is out of balance. There are some simple things you can do to bring your life back into line so that you don’t make a habit of being grumpy. After all, grumpiness kills joy and is hard to bear for our loved ones.

In the following I’ve listed 15 ways to get overcome grumpiness. On days that you feel grumpy, read through the list and address just one issue to make you feel better.

1. Acknowledge the mood

Grumpiness is hard on those around us. That is why it’s important to acknowledge being grumpy. Then our partner, family members or friends understand that the grumpiness is not about something they are doing, it is something that you can both examine without feeling anxious or threatened. On grumpy days, I tend to say to my partner: “I’m really grumpy today. I’m sorry I’m being difficult. It’s nothing that you are doing - please be patient with me.” If I say something like that, my grumpiness immediately lessens and my partner David is relieved.

2. Check your sleep pattern

How much sleep are you getting each 24 hours? I tend to get grumpy if I’m short of sleep. Maybe you can work out how much sleep you need for maximum functioning. You may find that you are trying to survive on less. My suggestion is to go to bed half an hour earlier each night for the next five days and then to see if you feel better. Personally, I find it difficult to go to bed earlier because I’m often immersed in writing or other things in the evening. To help myself, I set my alarm clock an hour before my designated bed-time. This allows me to make a slow transition and to maybe read a couple of pages in bed before going to sleep.

3. Do some exercise

When did you last get really puffed in the fresh air? Or when did you last break into a sweat through exercise? If you are feeling grumpy, chances are that you are not getting the exercise you need. Consider going for a brisk walk each day - even if it’s just for 10 minutes. If you find that difficult, you might like to join some exercise classes to make it easier to keep to a schedule. Try writing down an exercise schedule for the coming week and sticking to it. Then check out how you are feeling.

4. Explore stress

Are you stressed? Sometimes grumpiness is the result of too much stress. If you are, make a list of what is most stressful for you, in order of importance. Each day, tackle one issue that creates stress. For example, in my life everything to do with tax makes me feel quite stressed out. However, once I start tackling problems in this area of my life, my stress level immediately lessens.

5. Have fun

When did you last do something that was just pure fun? Make sure that you plan something each week that you really enjoy. If you’re not having fun in your life, start something new. Go to dance classes or cooking classes, enroll in a theatre sports class, start potting, or gardening, or surfing. I started kite surfing a couple of months ago. That’s fun -even when your whipped off your feet, go splat in the sea and are then dragged along upsidedown under water!

6. Avoid negativity

I notice that when I’m grumpy I seem to collect negative thoughts in my head. Everything seems to get a negative slant. There is a simple way to change this negativity pattern which I learned of a few weeks ago. I read about an American pastor who issues purple bracelets to his flock. They are asked to change it to the other side, each time they start to complain. The goal is to go a whole 21 days without a complaint. You can read more about that here.

When I had a grumpiness attack last week, I thought I would try this method. But I could only half remember it. So I decided to change the rubber band to the other wrist each time I had a negative thought. I tell you, it kept flying from side to side…! I was quite shocked to notice how many negative thoughts my mind generates when I’m grumpy. Read the rest of this entry »

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Research has shown that our brain changes if we practise meditation. These changes trigger a more positive frame of mind, and may even slow the ageing process.In his book Destructive Emotions, Daniel Goleman describes a very interesting collaboration between Professor Richard Davidson, a leading brain science, and an experienced Tibetan Buddhist meditator who used the pseudonym ‘Lama Oeser’. The Lama was asked to practise certain kinds of meditation, such as one-pointedness of mind and a meditation on compassion. During each of these meditation exercises, researchers looked to see whether there were any changes in the fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging).

I’m not a scientist, but this is what I understand about fMRIs: The images can show up activity in particular areas of the brain. Daniel Goleman says:

The EEG analysis bore particularly rich fruit in the comparison between Oeser at rest, and while meditating on compassion.

The results showed an increase in neural activity in an area that Davidson’s previous research had pinpointed as home for positive emotions, such as feelings of happiness, enthusiasm, joy, high energy and alertness.Goleman continues:

The very act of concern for others’ well-being creates a greater state of well-being within oneself

The finding lends scientific support to an observation often made by the Dalai Lama: that the person doing a meditation on compassion for all beings is the immediate beneficiary.

The research that Davidson did with Lama Oeser and others has shown that meditation can in fact change the structure of the brain.Reseach at the Harvard Medical school has also yielded some interesting results. Results show some unexpected changes in brain structure through meditation. Sara Lazar, psychologist and leader of the study says: Read the rest of this entry »