Photo by *scarleth white

Do you have good friends? Do you make friends easily or is it hard work?
I’ve collected 35 tips for you on how to create lasting friendships. Some of the tips are about finding friends, others are about how to deepen a friendship once it’s formed. Finally there are some points on how to repair a friend.

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A friend recently said to me:
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“What if I were to get convicted of a crime - even if I’m innocent - and get put in jail for ten years. Who would be at the gates when I’m released?”
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Could you rely on some of your friends to be there if that happened to you?
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What’s your definition of a friend? Read the rest of this entry »

Photo of Joanna Newsom by ezola

Imagine performing at your best in front of thousands - full of confidence and joy. This is what former Boston star Bill Russell experienced frequently. He said,
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“This is when everything goes so perfectly that you slip into a gear that you didn’t even know was there.”
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We all have that secret gear. That’s what psychologist Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced “chick-sent-me high”) found. His research showed that optimal experience occurs when body and mind are stretched to their limits in order to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. He called it being ‘in the flow’. Csikszentmihalyi said:
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“Such experiences are not necessarily pleasant at the time they occur. The swimmer’s muscles might have ached during his most memorable race, his lungs might have felt like exploding, and he might have been dizzy with fatigue — yet these could have been the best moments of his or her life.”
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Here are seven characteristics of flow or zone according to sports psychologist Karlene Sugarman:
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•Relaxed: The best performances occur when you are just slightly above your normal state of arousal, not at the extreme end of the spectrum. You feel relaxed, but you are able to move with great strength and ease.
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•Confident: You exude confidence and pride, and it is evident in your performance. There is no fear. You don’t let a lapse in performance undermine your belief in your overall abilities.

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•Focused: You are totally absorbed in the moment. The only thing you are concentrating on is the task at hand. You have no real sense of time.
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•Effortless: You are in a state where you can accomplish great things with little or no effort. Your mind and body are working with one another in perfect unison. That sort of connectedness and moment of greatness is an awesome thing both to witness and take part in.
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•Automatic: There is no interference from your thoughts or emotions.. You are on auto pilot-just reacting to whatever comes your way. Your body just seems to know what to do.
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•Fun: When you’re in the flow, the enjoyment is incomparable to anything else.
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•In Control: You feel that no matter what, you are in control. You own your own destiny. The authority is yours, and no one else’s. You have a feeling of mastery.

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When I read these characteristics, it seems impossible for an ordinary human being to have such experiences. And yet I remember strange moments years ago when I was a professional flutist. It seemed like I suddenly became the flute, and music just poured out of me without effort.

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We all have the capacity for being in the zone. The good new is that we can train ourselves to experience it. The following seven steps show how to develop the capacity for being in the zone. Read the rest of this entry »

Photo by Rusvaplauke

Do you enjoy cooking? Making a meal for others can be a wonderful experience if we approach it in a mindful way and use it to nurture ourselves and others. Or it can turn into a grinding chore if we just throw fast-food meals onto the table. In the following I list some points that are important in order to make cooking a full and satisfying experience.

Cooking as a spiritual act

Cooks were always highly esteemed in Zen monasteries. In ancient China the cook was revered second only to the abbot. This is because cooking can be a spiritual experience. Dogen, the great 13th century Japanese Zen master said in his Instructions for the Zen Cook that the cook must manifest “big mind, joyful mind.”

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According to Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, the eminent psychologist who researched the phenomenon of high performance that he called ‘flow’, it is the possibility of a transcendent experience that pulls people to the kitchen.

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“I’m not surprised that cooking won’t go away,” he said. “I can lose myself making a Bolognese sauce, finely chopping the onions, the carrots, three kinds of meat, and the slow, slow simmering. There is a sense of order and control and something so wholesome and tactile about cooking. Besides, how many times does modern life offer the opportunity to create something with one’s hands?”

Following the cycle of nature

When planning your mean it’s good to follow the cycle of nature by using seasonal vegetables and fruit. Not only does this help your food budget, it also keep you in touch with the natural rhythm of the season. Comforting soups in winter and cool salads in summers help us accept and even celebrate the rhythm of the year which mirrors our own life seasons.

Creative solitude

The kitchen is a good place to enjoy creative solitude. As Dr. Csikszentmihalyi says, “Cooking is one of few activities that people feel better doing alone.”

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Talking of solitude, I once saw a great clip of a live broadcast where a chef called Mrs. Child was making a chicken dish. As she was transferring the cooked chicken to the serving dish, it slipped and landed - splash - on the floor. With utmost aplomb she bent down and retrieved the chicken. Then she looked into the camera and said calmly, “Remember, you are alone in the kitchen!” In honour of this clip I adhere to the “30 second rule”. This means that if something is retrieved within 30 seconds - it hasn’t really touched the floor Read the rest of this entry »