Photo by S. Affandi

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Compassion for our fellow human being is a cornerstone of many the world’s spiritual traditions. It is one of the great transformative human emotions because in showing compassion we transcend he constraints of our self and embrace a broader, more open-minded view of life that emphasizes human connectedness rather than individuality. This sense of kinship brings insight and healing both to ourselves and to the people toward whom we demonstrate compassion.

The key to compassion is empathy.

Without the ability to feel our way into how life feels like for others, we won’t be able to respond with compassion. Here is how Fyodor Dostoevsky, the great Russian writer described his experience of empathy:

Listening to people talking I could enter into their lives, feel their tattered clothes on my back, walk with my feet in their shoes; their desires, their needs, all passed into my soul, or my soul passed into theirs.

 

It is a balm for the soul when someone reaches out to us and tries to tune in to what is going on for us.

I remember a moment last year when I was very worried about financial matters. I tried to bottle up my anxiety and keep my ordinary life going. One day I was sitting at the hairdressers feeling tight and stressed. A young stylist came up behind me an placed her hands gently on my shoulders. Then she asked, “How are things going for you?” I immediately began to cry. Afterwards I felt a great relief. It was as if this simple gesture and question had allowed me to get in touch with what was going on for me.

The difficulty is that we can’t really know exactly what someone’s experience is like. Experience is something unique to each individual and each moment. But if we let go of pre-formed ideas and allow ourselves to be open to what the other person may be feeling, we can get a sense of how they are.

If our ultimate goal is to show compassion to everyone, we might assume that it would be easy to start with the person closest to us - our partner.

It’s often easier to show compassion towards a complete stranger than toward the person we love most.

When we see our partner suffering, we often respond with anxiety or frustration instead of compassion. This is because any suffering we see in our partner can trigger a fear of loss and a sense of helplessness in us. After all, our lives are intimately intertwined and we can be sure that whatever suffering our partner is experiencing will impinge on our own life as well. All these uncomfortable emotions, such as fear and resentment, can get in the way of feeling compassionate toward our partner. And yet it’s vital to practise compassion in relationship because it is the path to forgiveness and can be a lifeline for your partner in times of grief and pain.

Even in the most fortunate lives there will be periods of grief and mourning, when compassion will be requires. If your loved one is suffering, you may find that you are pulled in two different directions: on one hand, you may feel an instinctive aversion to their anguish or pain and wish to turn away from it. On the other hand, you may find yourself wanting almost to embrace their suffering, to take on the burden and “make it better” for your partner.

Think back to an occasion when your partner broke down in mental anguish - for example, on hearing of a bereavement - ore endured severe physical pain. What was your response? If you find such suffering hard to face, remember that breathing - centering yourself through breathing slowly and deeply will give you the strength to show your compassion when it is most needed.

There is a Tibetan Buddhist practice that allows us to connect with our own suffering and that of others. It is called Tonglen. It is a way of awakening the compassion that is in each one of us, no matter how cold or unfeeling we might seem. Teacher Pema Chodron gives the following instructions:

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain…

 

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness.

Compassion is not just a luxury that we can afford when our life is going well. To cultivate compassion and empathy is essential for the survival or our species.

***
© Mary Jaksch

Photo by artct45

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures - Thornton Wilder

 

Gratitude makes us happier. That’s what many spiritual traditions maintain. Now scientific research backs such claims. And that’s what we can easily observe in our own life and that of others.

Here’s an example: I recently caught up with a friend of mine, Petra M., a young woman in her late twenties. I was surprised to find her in a buoyant mood, even though she was experiencing some challenges in her life. (In the past, I knew her to be easily defeated and deflated by life problems).
“You seem a lot happier. What’s happened?” I asked.
“I realised I was always focusing on the negative things.”
“And now?”
“I’ve realised that I can change mind channels.”
“You sound like a TV remote!”
“It’s a bit like that. I can switch from negative thoughts to positive ones.”
“And what kind of thoughts do you switch to?”
“Thoughts about being grateful for the good things in my life. That’s made me happier.”

It’s not only Petra who finds herself happier through gratitude practice. Scientist have found that grateful people

• Show higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, and optimism
• Experience lower levels of depression and stress
• Have more capacity for compassion
• Are rated as more generous and helpful by other people
• Are more likely to have a spiritual practice
• Place less importance on materialism.
• Are more likely to make progress towards important personal goals
• Exercise more regularly, report fewer physical symptoms, and feel heathier.

Here are 5 powerful gratitude exercises:

1. Keep a gratitude journal

Write down everything you are grateful for at least once a week. According to research by Professor Robert A. Emmons, University of California, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercise more regularly, report fewer physical symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and are more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who record hassles or neutral life events. They are also more likely to make progress toward important personal goals.

2. Count your blessings

Before you fall asleep, reflect on the day and identify 5 things you are grateful for.
According to Prof. Emmons, a group of young adults who did a daily gratitude exercise, such as the one above, showed higher levels of positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to those participants who focussed on hassles or negative comparisons.

3. Tell your friends and others that you are grateful to them

In his book ‘Authentic Happiness’, Prof. Martin Seligman suggests a powerful way of practising gratitude:

• Choose an important person in your past to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks.

• Write a testimonial of 1 page and laminate it.

• Meet with the person face to face and read out the testimonial.

When reflecting on this exercise it occurred to me that some people to whom I am grateful to are dead. So, what I did was to write the testimonial page, go to a secluded bend in the river, read the page aloud and then offer it to the waters. That was very powerful for me!

4. See adversity as an opportunity to learn and grow

We knew all about this when we were toddlers! We would fall and get up, fall and get up - and it was all part of learning to walk. It’s important to remind ourselves that failing is and integral part of learning.

5. Change from negative to positive thoughts

I saw an interesting suggestion by Aynsley Smith, director of the sports-medicine research center at the Mayo Clinic. She has a very simple method of training her sports students to dwell on positive thoughts, instead of on negative issues. She asks her students to carry a clicker pen around with them. Whenever they notice they are dwelling on negative issues, they are asked to click the pen. This acts as a trigger to change one’s ‘thought channel’.

I tried it and it works! For sure it’s a great skill to be able to change our thoughts. At the same time, I sometimes wonder whether the relentless emphasis on ‘positive’ thoughts impoverishes our life. After all, to yearn, to grieve, or to doubt - that too means to be human. What do you think?

If you want to see whether these ‘gratitude interventions’ make you happier, you can take a test here to see how happy you are before trying them out. (This is the General Happiness Scale according to Prof. Martin Seligman). Then repeat the test two weeks later and see if there is any change.

What is your experience of gratitude?

***

This is Part 5 of the ‘Secrets of Wellbeing’ Series.

© Mary Jaksch 2008

2. photo by Manuel Alfonso Arpa
Related links:
Read about gratitude research results.
Article on gratitude interventions.

Don’t miss Mary Jaksch’s earlier articles in the ‘Secrets of Wellbeing’ series:
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 1: Authentic Happiness
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 2: How to Use Your Signature Strengths
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 3: Future happiness? Why we get it so wrong
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 4: Does More Choice Make us Happier?

Photo by Alykat

Now is a good time for compassion and forgiveness.

Are there things you find too hard to forgive? The following story of Peter and Linda Biehl is a wonderful example of what compassion and forgiveness can achieve.

In 1993 their daughter, Amy Biehl, an 26-year-old Fulbright Scholar, went to South Africa to work in underprivileged communities. Shortly before the end of the apartheid era, Amy Biehl was stoned and knifed to death by a crowd of young blacks.

As you can imagine, Linda and Peter were devastated. After a while they decided to visit South Africa to understand what Amy’s life had been like. They visited Guguletu, the back township where Amy’s killers grew up. As they drove slowly along the potholed streets and saw the hostile glances, they locked their car doors and hunched down in their seats. Afterwards, during an interview with CBS Linda said, “I can understand how, if you were a youth living in these condition, you could be stirred up, and you could become violent.”

Peter and Linda then decided to establish the Amy Biehl Foundation that offers after-school and vocational training to young people of Guguletu and other black townships.

Meanwhile, the four young men who killed Amy were pardoned and released from prison in 1998 after serving four years. Soon after that, two of them, Easy Nofomela and Ntebecko Penny, made contact with Amy’s parents. You can imagine how hard it was for Linda and Peter to meet face to face with the killers of their daughter. But when they saw how bleak their prospects were, they decided to offer help and support to Easy and Ntebecko. They started training as builders in one of the Biehls’ programmes and have since been involved with a construction company that the Biehls started.

It’s terrific to be able to do that,” Peter Biehl said. “It just absolutely sets me free.

This story shows how powerful and healing the journey of compassion can be. Whenever I balk at forgiving someone, I remind myself of the Biehls and their journey of healing. Then I open to compassion and take the first step of forgiveness - which is stepping in the shoes of those who have hurt me.

Please forgive someone today and feel the freedom of compassion.

***

PS. This post is part of the group writing project called “Spread the Love” run by Albert of Urban Monk.Net, Wade of The Middle Way, Kenton of Zen-Inspired Self Development.