Hurtful words can sting. Once said, they cannot be unsaid. My belly sinks. I feel deflated and exhausted.
Sometimes, my mind replays a heated discussion. And I can’t get it out of my mind, it bothers me too much.
Have you ever felt this way? Is there a way to clear your mind and feel peace?
You bet there is (and it’s probably not what you think)…
Are you taking things personally?
A sinking feeling in your belly is a good indicator that you may be taking it personally.
Trouble is, feelings are not a switch that can be turned on and off. It would be great if it were that easy, but it’s not.
Not until you understand what the root of the problem is.
beware of labeling yourself
How do you see yourself? Caring? Compassionate? Nurturing?
Go ahead, fill in the blank: I am __________.
Do you take it personally when someone misjudges you?
shift your perspective—use the power of three
The solution to this is to look at it from a different point of view. Instead of there being just the two of you, imagine that there are three entities: me, you, and the relationship that we co-create. This is the power of three.
Let’s take our relationship, for example. There is myself, the writer of this post. You are the reader. And there is our relationship. I am in relationship with you right now. (How cool is that, I’m using the power of three!)
Our relationship has the potential to grow if we cultivate it. It also has the potential to diminish. Like a garden, our relationship is a separate entity, and its properties (size, quality, feeling) depend on what we bring to it.
In a garden, I could bring seeds and you could bring water. The garden will grow depending on what we bring to it.
Relationships work similarly. As I write, I bring thoughtfulness, insight, and my experience to my relationship with you. As a reader, you might bring attention to the post or share insights in the comments field.
how does this bring peace when someone complains?
From this model, notice: the complaints are not about you. They are about what you bring to the relationship.
Use the power of three to shift the target of the complaint. Make the target the relationship, not you. The power of three allows us to look at the situation more objectively without getting so absorbed in it.
1. be mindful of what you bring to any relationship
What do you bring to a relationship? Encouragement? Support? Neglect?
How often do you bring this to the relationship?
What does (s)he bring to the relationship?
You can always choose to bring something else to change the relationship.
2. the relationship is a co-created entity that is separate from you
Your relationship is not the same as you.
Once you realize that any relationship is separate from who you really are, you can consider hurtful comments from a different perspective. The comments did not target you, they targeted something separate from you. This makes it easier not to take things personally.
3. stalk your thoughts
When a thought leads to a sinking feeling in your belly, use the power of three to imagine yourself, the other person, and your relationship. Breathe deeply and say, “I choose not to take this personally,” out loud.
And that means your mind does not even get to think about it. No replays. No “what if’s”. Nada.
You must stalk your thoughts. Every thought matters.
At first, it may seem as though you are doing it several times a day. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. In time, this practice can become second nature.
How does this shift in perspective affect how you view your relationships? I’d love to hear from you.
About the author:
Angela Berenstein (@EnergyBudget) is a certified black belt teacher of the Nia Technique of energy management. Angela is on a mission to help people find more pep and vigor in their life by learning how to manage their energy levels. Check out her site at The Energy Budget.
{ 22 comments }
This is a great tip. I never thought of things this way. I wish I had learned this before I got divorced. It is an excellent reminder and I think this can improve my relationships. Not so much because I’m sensitive & take things so personally, but to focus on the relationship as a third entity, it seems I could be more focused on my contribution.
I really like this concept but wonder, if someone says something hurtful about you that is true, how is that the relationship and not you? For example, what if someone criticizes your appearance to be mean, and what if what they say is true- how is that the relationship and not you?
we can’t control what someone says to us, but we can control what we do with that information. determine if the hurt is caused on their side, by being unkind or your side, by being sensitive. if you are indeed sensitive, perhaps changing that part of you to something you like better will lessen the sting. use it as a good opportunity for growth on your side. there’s a good chance though, that unkind things are said because the person saying them is in turmoil and it has nothing to do with you.
Nice article, thanks for sharing. Great insights and practical examples of separating oneself from a relationship. Just like we are not our emotions, we are not our relationships. Although maybe it could be argued that we become a result or by-product of our experiences (which include relationships). Yet the goal is not being a result of any of it; void of ego and just be. Takes emotional intelligence and/or learning to know the knower.
It’s like how my relationship with my father changes from month to month… and he passed away several years ago.
FYI, I noticed the link to your site in author bio is not working.
jared´s last [type] ..Do You Want it More Than You Are Afraid of It?
In a fit of moment we utter words, then feel ” I should not have spoken ” but once spoken it can not be taken back, thus causing bitterness in relationship and understanding. Your ” Power of 3 ” is a very useful tool to over come such a situation but very difficult to put them in practice in day to day life.
Thank you for sending this mail. I shall do my best to follow the tips suggested to have a good relation with every one.
Excellent article. The moment, I think of relationship as a different entity, I feel less personal about some comments that I used to take it personally.
one can do as you said if the words are spoken but what to do when words are not spoken but the action speaks, no I do not mean being physically but how one behaves speaks more
This is a great article. Taking that slight step back can make all the difference in how you process the conversation. Fantastic. Thanks for posting!
Zivana Anderson´s last [type] ..23 random things you didn’t know about me
I read his article a few days ago and have been wrestling with the consequent thoughts. I may well have not understood the premise of the idea but am left with a very uneasy feeling that to follow the ideas proposed would be somehow shrugging off responsibility for ones self. I feel that in a relationship you need to take responsibility for your part in that relationship and that the other people in tht relationship should do likewise. Now when things go wrong and there is a misunderstanding or hurtful experiences they need to be explored not displaced. Does this resonate with any one?
Hi Everybody, I am so sorry for the delay in responding to you. I just realized how to view the comments.
I was viewing the article from the home page (so it looked as if there were no comments to me), instead of clicking through to the article. Silly me. I’m new to guest posting!
So I brought my inexperience to my relationship with all of you. But I’m learning! ; -)
Thank you ALL for your encouraging feedback. I’m going to respond now to each of you individually.
Aliyyah: Great question! We are in relationship with all things, including inanimate objects. We have a relationship with our clothing. We can bring mindfulness to our relationship with our clothing or appearance (how we project ourselves to the world). We can bring creativity, playfulness. We can also bring neglect to that relationship. So a comment on our appearance, would be a comment on what we bring to our relationship to our appearance.
Jasi,
Brilliant observation! I agree. Sometimes people say things, and it’s more about them and what they are going through than it is about you.
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Vacation Rental in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica:
So great that you are mindful and aware of what you are bringing to your relationships. And I invite you to notice what you bring without judgement. It just is. Once you notice what you bring, you can then choose in any moment if that is what you wish to continue to bring to your relationships or not.
I’m so glad you like the technique. I hope it helps!
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Jared,
I LOVE what you said:
“Although maybe it could be argued that we become a result or by-product of our experiences (which include relationships). Yet the goal is not being a result of any of it; void of ego and just be. Takes emotional intelligence and/or learning to know the knower.”
You are a Sage. (Or, using the power of 3, I could say: “You bring sage-like wisdom to your relationship with us.”)
This is powerful insight. Not to be a result or by-product of our experiences. To just be.
For my part, I notice I am in that space when I bring no judgement or interference to the events around me. I simply notice and accept what is. It is easier said than done, though. It involves consistent tracking and practice!
(P.S. The link is fixed now. Thank you for bringing it to our attention!)
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Srinivasan.G.K. and Lalitha Brahma,
I am delighted that you will put these tools into practice. It is quite a powerful shift in perspective, and has removed loads of emotional drama from my life.
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Monica,
I agree. A person’s entire body transmits information. The ideal practice would be to track how our words and body language communicate our intentions.
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Susan in Scotland,
Thank you so much for sitting with this and taking the time to post this very insightful comment and question:
“…to follow the ideas proposed would be somehow shrugging off responsibility for ones self. I feel that in a relationship you need to take responsibility for your part in that relationship and that the other people in tht relationship should do likewise.”
I completely agree with you that in a relationship we need to take responsibility. The perspective of the power of 3 means that we take responsibility for “what we bring to the relationship.”
You said another insightful thing:
“Now when things go wrong and there is a misunderstanding or hurtful experiences they need to be explored not displaced. Does this resonate with any one?”
Absolutely!
When someone complains of what we bring to the relationship, we have an opportunity to explore and assess (and take responsibility for) what we are bringing to that relationship. That is when we can choose to bring something else.
The displacement is useful when the words sting. When words sting, it is not an attack on who I am as a person, rather, it is a comment on what qualities I consciously (or unconsciously) choose to bring to that relationship. So I am not cut down. I do not need to be someone else. I need to simply bring something else to the relationship.
Fantastic observation, Susan!
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Thank you, Zivana!
I like how you succinctly put it: It’s how we “process the conversation”.
Angela Berenstein´s last [type] ..When is it time to move on?
Angela, how empowering to look at any relationship as one between three entities! A truly powerful technique, because it can (and should, I guess
) be applied to every single relationship, bar none.
Thank you for a post that will revitalize many flagging relationships and heal many hurt hearts! And more strength to you in your effort to help live their lives with more pep and vigor!
Vinita Zutshi´s last [type] ..Violent Children: What if Your Child Hits You?
Thank you, Vinita, I appreciate the gratitude and encouragement that you bring to your relationship with me!
Hi Im seeking advice about slightly abusive accusations. When someone is forcing their opinion of their persepctive of your past behaviour on you. Obviously if this perspective is negative and also untrue you feel the need to defend yourself etc. I do not wish to engage in this conversation but have to communicate with this person. I think putting up a hand and saying “that is your perspective of the situation, you are entitled to your opinion but i will not allow you to force your opinions on me” is possibly the best approach. Then following up with a comment redirecting the conversation to the matter at hand such as “besides this topic is completely irrelevant we are her to discuss x….” theproblem i have is i get flustered and emotional and am not willing to take responsibility for bringing that. i guess i could see the earlier approach to not allow them to bring harmful, irrelevant content to the discussion? thoughts?
Hello Megan,
For some reason, the follow up comments weren’t coming to my inbox. I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I only just now checked again, to be sure I didn’t miss anyone.
Thank you for your thought-provoking question.
How frustrating…I have experienced something similar to what you describe. I felt misjudged. And when it is so wrong…so untruthful…there can be no common ground to get them to see my perspective. And it is human nature to want to set the record straight.
I have learned that I cannot change what others bring to the relationship. I can suggest that they bring something different, however, they may not do that. I cannot change how others interpret an event. I can suggest an alternate perspective, yet it is up to them to decide whether they will see that event from that perspective.
What I can change is what I bring to the relationship. Sometimes people simply want their complaint to be heard. I have learned the most peaceful option (in my life) is to receive what they say, embrace them, and say I’m sorry, and mean it. I am sorry they took an event where I brought good intentions to the relationship and they felt hurt. I thank them for bringing this to my attention. I ask them what they need for me to bring to the relationship now to make things better. I tell them I will do my best to do that. We cannot change the past. We can learn from it and bring something different to our present. Every time.
People like this are a gift to us. They can teach us about relationships, about the world, about ourselves. They give us opportunities to receive others in a different way. It is much easier to receive sweet than sour or bitter.
Remember, they are speaking about what you might have brought to the relationship. It’s not an attack on you as a person. This technique enables you to not take it personally.
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