Create your own support group
A guest post by Linda Formichelli
Read almost any self help article or personal development blog and you’ll read the advice to “surround yourself with people who support your success and distance yourself from people who don’t.”
That’s all very nice — except that it’s bogus.
Whenever I read that advice I have to smack my forehead, because I know:
1. It’s not like you can run out to the friend store for the latest, most supportive models and recycle the not-so-good ones. Finding and making new friends is a lot of work, and when you first start becoming close with someone, you have no idea whether they’ll turn out to be supportive or not.
2. If you look for a new group on a website like, say, meetup.com, I guarantee you that any group with the name “success” in its title will be full of multilevel marketers trying to sell one another overpriced vitamins.
3. In the real world, you don’t cut your mom out of your life because she wants you to stay in a 9-5 job or ditch your best friend of 20 years because she’s envious that you’re losing weight. You just don’t.
That said, of course you want to minimize the effect of naysayers and maximize your contact with people who are rooting for your success. So what’s the real world way to do that?
Start Your Own Success Group
When you start your own group of supportive people who are interested in helping one another succeed, you set the agenda. You choose who joins and you decide who stays and who goes. And as you get to know the other members, you can strive to become closer with the ones you mesh with the most. Try meetup.com, or invite members of an online forum that’s dedicated to your industry. For example, if you want to escape the 9-5 and become a writer, frequent sites like Freelance Success and Freelance Writers Den and choose which members you want in your own group.
Put Up a Shield
We all have relatives who aren’t the most supportive, but who we have to deal with anyway. Judith Orloff, MD, author of Positive Energy, suggests visualizing a protective bubble around yourself that keeps out negativity and stress. Imagine being surrounded by a cocoon of white light that forms a barrier around every inch of you and keeps you from getting harmed, she says. No one will even know you’re using it!
Ask for Support
Instead of estranging yourself from your parents because they don’t support your dreams or avoiding your best friend because she tries to press second helpings on you when you want to pare pounds, try this much easier solution: Ask for support. People are flattered when you ask for their help. Try something like, “I want to become healthier and lose ten pounds, and I’d really love your help. Instead of eating out when we get together, let’s brainstorm some more active pastimes we can do together.” Or “I want to go freelance so I have more time to spend with my kids. I’ve been working hard on the transition, but I’d love it if you could keep your eyes open for opportunities and let your friends know what I’m doing.”
Don’t think you have to turn your life upside-down rearranging your social life to support your success. You live in the real world, so make the relationships you have work for you.
Linda Formichelli is a freelance health writer, personal trainer, and wellness coach in Apex, NC. She blogs about wellness, fitness, and motivation at HappyFit and about magazine writing at The Renegade Writer.
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Great post Linda! I use the ‘bubble of light’ technique to shield myself from people’s negativity as well. While the transition to a more flexible life is possible, we need to be supported by those who care for us.
Thank you, Kyle! I think that Dr. Orloff’s bubble technique works great.
One of the best, most useful, uplifting and motivating articles I’ve read lately.
Thanks Linda!
Wow, thanks for the kind words!
Great post, Linda! I hear the advice to surround yourself with supportive loved ones often, but it’s rare that someone addresses how hard this can actually be.
As a freelancer and a nomad, I find it difficult to find supportive people to rely on (aside from my husband and pets, of course), and you offer some great ideas of how to do this in a real world setting. Thank you!
I hear that from a lot of freelancers — that it’s difficult to find support. I think a lot of people are either skeptical of freelancing or they’re jealous of the freelance life. I recommend looking to writer’s groups and forums for support!
Lovely post Linda. I really appreciated your down to earth writing style plus I loved your ending …” so make the relationships you have work for you “. It really is as simple as that hey isnt it…..a friend of mine says we need to train our friends in how to treat us.
Thanks, and good point! Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said that if someone mistreats you, it’s only because you let them? (I’m paraphrasing, of course.)
The challenge people face in finding real-world social support is that it requires reaching out and exposing perceived vulnerabilities. I think you are right on target in suggesting that people can reach out in a positive way and not from a feeling of inadequacy. That is really important. No one wants to be needy, but we could all benefit from others’ assistance.
Good insight, Heidi! I think it’s important to be able to tell people what you need.
I’m new to reading blogs and was searching for tips for success in life. I really enjoyed reading this and it definitely sounds better to look for support around you first, and not somewhere else.
Thanks for your comment, Ricky! I’m glad you liked the post.
Linda,
You had me laughing with one and two. Years ago I did counseling in a prison and I not only did the bubble of white light but I would see myself on a light filled path on the way in my car. And for course with parents it helps to set an intention on what you want to feel and do when visit them before leaving home and then blessing the entire visit ahead of time. Thanks for the memories. Great suggestions!
Ooh, good point on visiting the parents. I like that idea a lot. And of course, it can be used in any situation!
Brave stance Linda as it flys in the face of the wider accepted approach. I’ve done both sides to be honest and the danger of ‘going it alone’ is the disconnection and isolation while the ‘friends forever’ strategy means being suffocated with no free space or time. I treat it all like being on holiday and doing your own thing while being party of a group or family. It’s the happy medium between ‘me time’ and being part of the crowd. If I want to wander off in life for a while it’s Ok because everyone knows I’m coming back very soon or simply tomorrow. It’s never perfect but overall it works well for me and I’m still smiling!
From my life experience I gotta say that surrounding yourself with people you wanna be just like them really helps…It always gives me a lot of motivation!
Thanks!
Larissa from How to get rid of scars
The article is very good. The idea of visualizing a protective bubble around yourself is just cool.
Quite often we focus on pleasing the other person and ignoring ourselves in the process. One must be able to assess the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. There is a definite difference. ! You need to know boundaries and be comfortable with yourself. Listening to your inner self is another way to gauge whether your moving in the right way; not to fast or slow with this person. Lastly in this fast paced world that we live in today, have the person your dealing with earn your trust. Don’t just rush in. !
Hi Linda,
I read the same advice as you. Maybe getting rid of people that don’t support us will work in the short-term but not so much in the long run.
I just spend less time with people who are not supportive than ones that are.
Instead of joinning the already existed, designed for the general but not exactly you, all spamming social site, build your own tailor cut social group – this is quite liberating
I am well inspired, Linda
i completely agree with “asking for support” – i used to be embarrassed to, and scared of what people would say. as i struggled with depression and recovering, i slowly learnt that, well maybe 50% of those I ask might look at me funny, but it’s not my problem, and hey, i have the 50% of people I asked who empathized and supported me through…. actually I just wrote a blog post about this myself called “Poisonous Secrets” http://nochnoch.com/2011/08/25/poisonous-secrets/
first thing first : it’s ok to open up and talk about your needs (without whining unnecessarily of course). we need to learn to open up before we even start looking for support
thanks linda for the support
noch
What a lovely and useful article you have, Linda.
I truly agree with you that there are a bunch of direct selling marketers who so-called themselves a – “supportive, successful and friendly” group are actually just trying to sell some expensive stuff to you. I doubt about how supportive are they, haha. Anyway, thanks for a wonderful post!
As I moved city to city, and state to state through my life, I never thought how difficult it could be to get support from others when I needed it. My best friends through the years don’t necessarily know the challenges I face in my life NOW, or in my geographical location NOW. Learning how to create a support system for yourself wherever you are, and learning to ask for help (just as you suggest) become critical life skills for most professionals who spent their lives moving every few years for their corporate employers, and now may not have access to that corporate system of ‘friends’ if they’ve been laid off, retired, or changed their lifestyle by choice.