By Mary Jaksch
We all tend to differentiate between fleeting and significant goodbyes.
Imagine for a moment that you are just ducking down to the grocery store, or that you’re off to the office. Before you go, maybe you say goodbye to a loved one. What is that goodbye like? Most likely it’s just a fleeting wave or a peck on the cheek. Now imagine a different scenario. Imagine that you’re saying goodbye to loved one who is going overseas for a significant period. You do that differently, right? Maybe you linger in a hug or say some meaningful words. But that’s now how we conduct our fleeting daily goodbyes.
The reason we use fleeting goodbyes in daily life is because we imagine that we’ll soon be back again and resume ordinary life.
What is a goodbye?
Saying goodbye is a ritual that marks a coming separation. The function of most rituals is to mark liminal, that is, transitional times. A goodbye marks the moment where being together begins to move into being apart. As human beings, we tend to differentiate between ‘big’ goodbyes that may be forever, and the ‘small’ goodbyes of everyday. Both those goodbyes have a hidden component: they contain a blessing.
All goodbyes contain a blessing
Antiquated goodbye formulations, such as ‘fare-well’, or the even older, ‘fare thee well’ reveal that at the heart, goodbyes are blessings. We bless the other person’s going and coming, wishing that they may be well while away.
In order to make our goodbyes a blessing, all we have to do is to pay attention to the moment and create an intention of goodwill in our heart. There is no need to let the other person know what about the blessing.
How to make your goodbyes meaningful
Depending on the culture you live in, there are many ways to say goodbye. In Latin American cultures, people embrace and kiss each other goodbye. In Anglosaxon countries, people tend to be more restrained. Many people say goodbye to their loved ones with just a brief hug and a hurried peck on the cheek while their thoughts are already at work or in the shopping center.
When you hug stay close to the one you love for at least one complete in- and out-breath.
Make each hug meaningful by paying tender regard to the other person. Notice the warmth of their body and feel their breath flowing in and out. That’s a wonderful way to remind each other of your deep connection.
How to take your leave in an email
Salutations at the end of letters or emails have the same function as goodbyes. I’ve tried a lot of different closing salutations. If I’m busy, I’ll send emails signed just with ‘Mary’, or ‘M’. Sometimes I receive emails that use ‘blessings’ as a closing salutation, but I tend not to do that because I don’t like being fulsome.
I’ve recently found a way to smuggle a hidden blessing into my emails. I close with ‘be well’. This is short for ‘may you be well’ which is a loving-kindness meditation. In my heart I say the full phrase – and mean it. But I am content for my blessing to remain hidden.
Why it’s important to offer mindful goodbyes
It’s important to make each goodbye count – even if you are just ducking out to the corner store.
Each fleeting goodbye can turn out to be a goodbye forever.
Accidents happen when we least expect them. Here is an example: when I was seventeen, I went to visit my brother who was studying at Cambridge and neglected to say goodbye to my father. While I was away, my mother drove into the path of an oncoming car and my father died at the scene of the accident. As you can imagine, it was a family tragedy. I still feel regret that I didn’t say farewell to my father.
Since that time, I focus on each parting – even if I think it’s only going to be for a short time – and say goodbye in a heartfelt way that celebrates our connection.
How do you say your goodbyes?
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Mary. I appreciate you sharing your heartfelt experiences. I received this email as I was wondering how I can deal with my sadness of NOT having a mindful goodbye with my former husband.
I find that in general, I have a difficult time saying goodbye in person or in emails. It’s a feeling of fear and loss that I don’t understand. I will take your words to heart and try and find a ritual that makes me feel full instead of the sometimes emptiness that seems to come with even the smallest farewell.
Warmly,
Cheryl
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I was thinking of this just this morning as I was hurrying out the door to get to work. On the way out, my fiance’ said “Hey, what about my kiss?” and I rushed back and pecked him on the cheek. It was hurried and sloppy and I felt badly about it the entire way to work.
I just called him to tell him I love him and apologized for skimping on something so important. Tomorrow will have a much nicer goodbye.
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It’s in my nature to hug the closest people like I never see them again, on regular basis. And now when I read this post of yours, I think that’s wonderful! Thank you!
zmajeva´s last blog ..DEFINITION OF LOVE
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Mary, what a wonderful post. All of the elements are so true. The fleeting to forever goodbye point is so powerful. I wish I had been more consciously present when I said my last unknowing goodbye over the phone to my loving partner who died suddenly. It’s really a reminder to be present in all interactions, so we honor each other and live more fully. Thanks for the terrific reminder !!
Christopher Frawley´s last blog ..That Slowpoke In Front of You (a blessing in disguise?)
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Mary, this is beautiful. Thank you for this gentle reminder to be thoughtful with our “fare thee wells.”
My in-laws live in another state, so we usually see them just a few times a year. Whenever we get ready to make the long drive home, my father-in-law gathers us all in a circle for a prayer. We hold hands, thank God for this time together, and ask for safety on our travels and until we’re together again. It always feels so heartwarming. Bittersweet. It’s sad to say goodbye, but I’m so glad we had this time together.
Eva @ Eva Evolving´s last blog ..Under Pressure: Your response to stress
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Yes, I too, fear the word, goodbye.. It always feels so final, since experiences have taught me, it certainly can be.
Be Well, or Fare Thee Well; these I can say with meaning.
Thank You…
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It is my habit to hug people closely, even those who I don’t really know well. This can be a bit disconcerting to some people until they get to know me better.
Every hug and every farewell has to be heartfelt, especially in these days of social media and thousands of fleeting connections and “friendships”.
A facebook friend visited me today – we first connected a few years ago but had never met before in person. Her initial reaction was to offer me her hand in the form of a formal handshake, but my smile soon convinced her that it was okay to hug! Of course, the farewell was much more meaningful.
Great reminder Mary for us to come from the heart and not the head.
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Hi Mary,
it’s so nice to have you back!
When I say good bye to people close to me I always add “Be careful” no matter if this person goes to the store to buy some milk or goes on a long road trip. I always mean it when I say it because sometimes little things can distract us and it can cause accidents or some other problems. I want to make sure that people I say good bye to will always be careful and safe and I will see them in good health soon.
The most difficult good bye for me was when my husband and I were leaving Ukraine and I had to say good bye to my mom at the airport. Saying good bye and not knowing when you are going to see that person again is the most difficult type for me. I put a lot of meaning into that good bye and I can still remember (after almost two years) every moment of that long good bye.
Thank you for this reminder to be mindful and loving every minute of my life.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..77 (+7) Ways to Keep Your Heart Healthy and Happy for 100 Years or Longer
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Hi Mary, this is a very touching post. I had met my girlfriend in Taiwan and we had known each other for a few months, developing a really good bond between the both of us, but it was my end of staying there after 11 months. I had to leave to America.
We said goodbye to each other, and we both “knew” not to make it sadder than the departing situation already. We gave each other a slight hug and kiss and we both went our ways. While sitting down in the airport and waiting for them to call us in, I opened a letter from my girlfriend reading about the times we spent together and what our future would hold. I tried to hold my tears in, but I couldn’t. I started to cry.
I think it’s always important to keep our goodbyes mindful as you never know what’s going to happen to the other person. If I had to just said goodbye to my girlfriend at the airport with a quick smile and wave, I don’t think it would have been as meaningful and close. There maybe a deep feeling when you wish someone the best in the future, but it always shows when you are wishing someone the best in the future, and they are someone who means a lot to you and is departing away.
Hulbert´s last blog ..Tony Robbins and Why
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This is a really great post Mary. It’s very relevant for me.
I been moving from country to country for the last 3+ years. I meet lots of people and I have to say goodbye to lots of people.
It’s the worst thing about travelling all the time. I meet people who I would like to include in my life, but it just doesn’t work out that way.
I really try to make my goodbyes meaningful. I’ve been working on being “present centred” for the last year and a half. Part of that is remembering that the only moment we have in life is right now. If you don’t make the most of that person whilst they are there in front of you, you’re not really connecting with them or yourself.
Any goodbye could be the last.
This has really got me thinking. Thanks.
Dave´s last blog ..The Ultimate Guide To Buying A Snowboard Part 7: Snowboard Tech Terms Simplified
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So powerful. We assume so much in life, perhaps most of all that it is a given.
I have often regretted that I did not make it back to Costa Rica before my dad died (came back to move and was going to head back down). But, I did have the opportunity to spend a great deal of time with him in CR before his passing. In the hospital, at what turned out to be our final parting, I have always been deeply grateful that I leaned down and spoke in his ear, even though his eyes were closed. I told him that I was so happy that of all the fathers in the world, I had the good fortune of having him as a father. I told him how much I loved him. Then, I walked out into the hallway and sobbed, somehow sensing it was our final goodbye.
We don’t always know. And there is nothing better, in any event, than to offer these tidbits of love all the time. It feels so good to give and receive love.
I love your posts, Mary. Be well to you too!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster
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Just doing some research on how to end a post. That sucked me right in from the beginning with the most meaningful and powerful message at the end. I hate it when I cry reading a blog but thanks for the reminder to be conscious when we say bye. So often it’s just a throwaway “see you soon”. But what if we don’t? What would we say to them then? It would change everything.
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Wow! I’m blown away by all your wonderful comments!
@Cheryl – You say: “I have a difficult time saying goodbye” Maybe we all do – but are in denial. That’s why we pretend each goodbye is only for a short while and everything will resume as before.
@Michelle – yes, it’s good to make a habit of mindful goodbyes. Yesterday a good friend hugged me in a very fleeting way and I said, “I want a proper hug – I’m so glad to see you” – and hugged her all over again.
@Zmajeva
you say: “It’s in my nature to hug the closest people like I never see them again, on regular basis.” That’s wonderful!
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@ Christopher:
I was touched by this: “I wish I had been more consciously present when I said my last unknowing goodbye over the phone to my loving partner who died suddenly.”
Maybe that was your partner’s gift to you – your lingering regret makes you all the more mindful now.
@Eva
I love your father-in-law’s ritual: “[He]gathers us all in a circle for a prayer. We hold hands, thank God for this time together, and ask for safety on our travels and until we’re together again.”
Somehow, we have lost important rituals in our fast world. Fast food, fast goodbyes.
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@Victoria
You say: “Be Well, or Fare Thee Well; these I can say with meaning.” That’s great!
@Arvind
Thanks for reminding us to “come from the heart and not the head.” I reckon the reason why we sometimes don’t say goodbye mindfully is because we don’t want to be rebuffed (which is a head response)
@ Anastasiya
The description of the goodbye from your mother was very moving: “I put a lot of meaning into that good bye and I can still remember (after almost two years) every moment of that long good bye.
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@Hulbert
Sometimes we don’t want to cry because we think the goodbye without tears is ‘better’. I think that tears are a natural side of some painful goodbyes.
@Dave
“The only moment we have in life is right now. If you don’t make the most of that person whilst they are there in front of you, you’re not really connecting with them or yourself.”
That’s a very interesting point, Dave: When we don’t say goodbye mindfully we are not in touch with ourselves – let alone with the other person.
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@ Lauren
That’s a beautiful story of your last goodbye to your dying father: “I have always been deeply grateful that I leaned down and spoke in his ear, even though his eyes were closed. I told him that I was so happy that of all the fathers in the world, I had the good fortune of having him as a father. I told him how much I loved him.”
It seems like this was a good time of closure for you – and for your Dad.
@Annabel
I was just in the middle of an email to you about the ending of a post you wrote when I stumbled over your comment here. I think tears are a wonderful tribute. What more can we offer those we truly love?
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love this thought mary
as always – so wise
jules´s last blog ..the secret ingredient – how to scramble eggs like tetsuya
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I loved “be well” for emails. So simple but such a profound and powerful way to end a message. Thank you Mary.
I often like ending my messages with a variation of “let me know if I can help with anything”.
Lana – {Daring Clarity}´s last blog ..How I Got to The Core, Got Scared… and Survived.
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This was a beautiful post, Mary. I’m guessing everyone who read it had formed different expectations about what they hoped to learn from it before they even read it. I found myself wondering if it would address seeking closure; saying deliberate, kind and grateful goodbyes to people and situations that no longer bring us peace. What I found instead was what the universe decided I needed today, an assurance that my decision to be a deciduous blogger rather than an evergreen was the right one. I prefer to live an engaged life and blog about it rather than blog and live a shadow of the life I used to. My kids never leave the house without hugs, kisses and goodbyes. As a family, we end all our phone calls with love yous. My dad’s 85 and every moment spent talking to him could be the last so we treat every moment together as precious. Thank you for reminding me to keep on living every moment of my life with engagement and presence.
janice | Sharing the Journey´s last blog ..Writers Write (Revisited): Your Comments are Part of Your Writing Mosaic
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Dear Mary,
Beautifully written and explained the importance of ‘goodbye’. The picture is perfect for the wonderful article.
Life is so uncertain and we don’t know how long we or our loved ones will be with us. I feel that ‘it is much more difficult for us to say goodbye to persons we love’.
Saying a proper ‘goodbye’ will at least leave us with no regrets.
Bye for now,
Cheryl Paris Blog
Cheryl Paris´s last blog ..Is willpower inherent or cultivated over a period of time?
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I use to hug people and have physical contact with them. For some of them who are new in relationships with me it might seem awkward.
Someday I found this Virginia Satir quote that I love very much that confirms somehow my beliefs. ”I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them.”
It sort of justifies my purpose on this world. Support people. I know you are a therapist Mary. I am a Coach. I use to support people on my day to day life.
Now, back to the topic of separation.
My father died in February this year after having a long suffering. While he was still conscious, I told him several times months after months, how much I love him, How much I thank him for his legacy and how much I am the leader of my life as inspired by him but maybe more of that how much I appreciate the love and care that he gave to us. I told him to be in peace because we all live a fulfilled life because of his great contribution and legacy.
the process of his death was only the physical separation. We were separated before and I took it very easy. I offered myself as a separation gift attending to the a-list bootcamp in February…
I wrote a post related to relationships with people to treat them as if it would be our last day together. That leads me to a clearer life and living into a place of freedom and authenticity.
Thanks for your the great work. YOU are a kind and generous person Mary! Imagine I embrace you with my heart!
I wish you to be blessed by the Universe.
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I often use “all the best” signing off in emails and have been thinking about it lately – it doesn’t feel enough. Yet “blessings” or “love and light” or something along those lines doesn’t feel like me. “All the best” came naturally as my dad used to say it all the time when saying goodbye to people.
When I read your “be well” that really resonated with me. And possibly because I have been working with the loving-kindness meditations lately. Thank you for sharing this – I may adopt it too
Hilda´s last blog ..A new source of income
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I make sure to give a genuine hug to my girlfriend even when one of us is just going to work. As for the e-mails I’ve had a hard time finding a closing that I really like. Lately I’ve starting writing All the Best and Than Some,
Justin Dixon´s last blog ..A Full Body Workout in 15 Minutes a Day
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I would like to say “we’ll meet again” or “until, next time” to leave it open ended unless I am 101% sure this is the last time. World is getting closer/smaller so you never know whom you will meet again.
Zengirl @ happy heart and mind´s last blog ..Blogging Philosphy: for Pro or newbie – Real heroes are readers
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I think you are on the money, Mary. I often wonder why my meditative goodbyes are not not met in kind by some of my friends and family. I even wish the clerk at the gas station to ‘Be well’, or ‘Be good’, or ‘Be safe’; I certainly don’t expect much by way of reciprocation from a relative stranger like a clerk, but I am often baffled at the lack of care people I really love take in parting!
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This is lovely, Mary. Goodbyes are so often taken for granted that one forgets that they mark a “coming separation”. My goodbyes especially in the morning as I leave my daughter at playschool are happy and mindful, but brief. Else she’ll never let me go:-)
Others are, regrettably, fleeting. Time for me to change that!
Prerna´s last blog ..5 Simple Ways to Save Money on Groceries
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