By Mary Jaksch
Do you want to change? Maybe you want to become kinder, or happier, or more spiritual, or less angry – or simply a nicer person?
The bad news is that change doesn’t work. But there is some good news too! Read on to find out what I mean. I’ve also included a short video.
Where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.
~ Saint Augustin
The reason change is a bad idea is that our wish to change often stems from a lack of self-love. Many people hate themselves, or at least parts of themselves. For them, change means taking a surgeon’s knife and operating on themselves to get rid of the parts they hate.
Just reflect for a moment. Are there things you hate about yourself? Have you tried to change what you hate?
Did it work?
What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
~ Hecato, Greek philosopher
Most likely you’ll say ‘no’ – it didn’t work. It doesn’t work trying to cut out and throw away parts of ourselves. Imagine for a moment that you are an oaktree with one great life goal: you want to change yourself into a willow. That oaktree would end up frustrated and unhappy, right? It sound ridiculous – changing from being an oaktree into a willow. But that’s what we try over, and over.
Let’s take a look at what does work.
Why change doesn’t work, but growth does
Let’s go back to the oak tree. Every huge oak tree starts out as an acorn. Every acorn has within the potential to grow into an oak tree, given the right conditions.
My point is that the acorn doesn’t change, it grows into an oak tree.
We are like acorns with a limitless potential for good. Our task is to bring out our inherent goodness by creating optimal conditions for growth. The only way we can bring into being who we really are, is by being kind and loving towards ourselves. Being harsh and punishing towards ourselves doesn’t help us to grow. Trying to cut out what we hate doesn’t help us to develop.
How to encourage growth
Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
What we can learn is to let go of habitual habits of the mind. For example, if your habit is to put yourself down, every time you make a mistake, that can stunt your growth. The good news is that we can change the habits of our mind. We can let go of unskilful thought patterns and embrace skilful ones.
The way forward is to notice our thought patterns, because we are rarely conscious of them. Once we become aware of an unskilful thought pattern, we can start to let go of it. That’s why meditation training is so powerful. Meditation helps us to see into our thoughts and habitual responses and allows the seed of goodness within to grow to its full potential.
Note: the hiss you hear on this video is the sound of happy Cicadas in the New Zealand summer.
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Change Versus Growth – Why One Works and The Other Doesn’ from Mary Jaksch on Vimeo.
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Great point! I think growth is change, but just done in baby steps to where the change is achievable. As you pointed out, becoming conscious or mindful of our negative thoughts and patterns is key. Our ego, working in survival mode, does not want ‘change’ and will do whatever it can to sabotage the process. Like you said, meditation is so important to step outside the ego and become the watcher of our thoughts.
Nice article. Thanks!
.-= Tisha Morris´s last blog ..7 Benefits of Practicing Detachment from s.t.u.f.f. =-.
Wonderful post. Change is not the way, it is the way that has led us to believe we are wrong. But grow, as you say, is the path towards our pure hearts.
It is hard to understand the idea, but once done a path of goodness opens before us. Then everything feels different and better. Thanks for this wonderful and inspiring words Mary.
.-= Alejandro Reyes´s last blog ..Friday Fun… =-.
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your wise words. Your way of seeing “change” as a lack of self-love sounds just right. You have so beautifully said that “growth” includes everything and is about developing and evolving – not getting rid of anything.
Rather than asking, “What do I want to change about myself?” a question I have found useful is, “What do I really want?” Once our deepest desires are identified, the path to realize them begins to become clear.
Also, wanted to say that I love your idea of the zen training as an ongoing process.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Don’t Believe It! =-.
What I found most remarkable about this reading is the idea of being a friend to myself. This is an entirely new thought for me. For some reason the idea of treating myself as if I am my own best friend is such a positive counteraction to the self-hatred mindset.
Thanks for the wise words.
Good point you have there.Change doesn’t mean growth.Growth includes change, which is different.San Agustin’s quote really resonates in me.Life long learning is key to grow and be a better you
.-= Patricia´s last blog ..Un regalo para el alma =-.
Mary, you have written a wonderful post as usual. Your metaphors are wonderful and your point is so clear that I can’t doubt any of your words.
You always look at ordinary things from a completely new perspective and this is what I like the most about your posts. The concept of change has never seemed so hostile to me but now I fully understand what you mean. Growing and being a friend (not a scary surgeon) to yourself is a much better way to live your life and to develop yourself.
.-= Anastasiya´s last blog ..The Only Way to Bring Your Life into Balance Right Now =-.
Nice post Mary. I think what you’ve talked about is very profound here. Often we want to change something we dislike about ourselves, but when we can’t change it, we become frustrated. When we learn to accept certain situations, that is when we begin to grow. Just like your example from changing an oak tree to a willow; it maybe impossible. But it is definitely possible to start from an acorn and grow into oak tree over time. We don’t necessarily need to change in order to grow, but we can change our thoughts and our actions that help us grow to become a stronger person.
.-= Hulbert´s last blog ..My Brother Got Pulled Over by the Police – Part I Interview =-.
Change seems to be a hot topic these days. There is one thing that separates your post from a few others I’ve read though Mary, and its that you’ve mentioned it’s not a good idea.
“The reason change is a bad idea is that our wish to change often stems from a lack of self-love.”
This is a completely profound perspective you’ve provided. My spin is now love that which you wish to change, and I believe a change will naturally occur.
All I can say is love you for providing this perspective.
Thank you Mary
.-= Tony Teegarden´s last blog ..My Arrested Development And A Shocking Discovery =-.
I love this perspective. I’ve always thought in terms of evolution, making the most of the seeds inside me and trying not to change my essential nature. I prefer, instead, to work on changing my supportive environments wherever possible, by providing the best soil, sun and water to nurture those seeds and getting rid of weeds and anything toxic that may throttle growth. Recently, I’ve also learned from nature that some of us are more deciduous than evergreen, and have distinctive and noticeable periods of dormant growth before blossoming. I’m also getting better at spotting ‘squirrels’…
Thank you, Mary. This was very timely and affirming. (Love the cicadas, too!)
look, do you want the best advice on changing ?
here it is: ” just change your self”
when you really understand that you will blown away by the results
i mean change the feeling you feel about your self.
find examples of that in the people around you and how the feel about them selfs
that’s it,
.-= SOmeone nice´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy Amazon =-.
Mary the old Greek already knew it … Gnothi seauton (Know Thyself) … that’s all there is to life. There is no use in changing yourself into something or someone else. It is about growing into what you are or about getting rid of or unwrapping all the illusions that hide your vision from seeing and experiencing your true self. Great post
.-= Patrick @ unwrapyourmind.com´s last blog ..The 7 Huna Principles of Life – 3. MAKIA =-.
Hi Mary,
What a great reminder this article is. And I could watch you speak all day -your presence is so soothing and calming, yet strong.
As I grow older I seem to grow more comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, but I especially remember struggling with this when I was younger. I tried the cut the parts you don’t like out approach, and as you predict, without success.
I then discovered a group called Earth Living Foundation. They offered retreats called Domain Shift. It was great because I was able to do movement and emotional release work. It helped me tremendously to realize that feelings aren’t bad! This was very important to me and freed me greatly.
Still, I need reminders on occasion and I especially like the re-frame from change to growth. Growth is like a continual flowering and embracement, while change does seem to have the connotation of gotta get rid of it and push forward.
Personally, I prefer the embracement approach.
I look forward to hearing much more! Thank you.
A wonderful, thought-provoking piece. Thank you. Change is a loaded term, isn’t it? Growth, however, is holistic and natural, something that allows us to keep the wisdom of everything that came before. Change can feel abrupt and disconnected. Growth is flow. Thanks again. I’m enjoying your blog!
First off, this is my first visit to your website and I love, love, love your calm, cool, and collective demeanor. You seem very at peace with yourself and the life you are living. And you’ve created a successful website that has a attracted quite a few visitors. Congratulations!
I want to respond briefly to the article and video you did. I definitely believe that growth is something very worthwhile. And that is the growth of becoming something wonderful. I would also say that there are good kinds of change and bad kinds of change. And by change I mean how a human being can be different than what they were in the past.
Bad kinds of change would include doing harm to others, neglecting parental responsibilities, becoming addicted to drugs, etc… If these have not been done in one’s past and they do them at some point in the future, this is a bad change for the person. They have become someone who cares less about others and themselves.
Good kinds of change would include becoming physically active, taking better care of children, breaking a harmful addiction, etc… In my case, I was fifty pounds overweight a few years ago. I was fortunate to lose the weight and felt great. That was most definitely a change. A part of my belly was gone
I then changed early in 2009 by doing the P90X workout program and my belly became a six pack, another positive change.
So I would say that positive change along with growth is what one should seek in life. You definitely don’t want to focus on changing something about yourself if it involves your own unique personality and core beliefs, or what you hold dear. But if it involves harmful behavior, or being physically overweight to the point you could die early, then change for the better should be sought out if you wish to live a longer, healthier, and happier life – unless one is happy with their physical state and can accept the chance of an early death. But I definitely don’t accept that.
In short, I love your calmness and focus on growth. I can tell you are a very spiritual person who is in touch with a lot of good areas in life and you are at peace with yourself. But I wouldn’t go as far to say that any kind of change should be de-focused. Positive change and transformation is a wonderful thing, along with the growth (like the acron you mentioned).
Thanks again for your work – you produce thought provoking words and ideas here. Best to you,
Jeremy