A guest post by Gail Brenner of A Flourishing Life
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
Rachel Naomi Remen
Listening is an undervalued art in our society, yet it is one of the keys to fulfilling relationships. True listening goes well beyond hearing the words that are spoken. It involves opening ourselves to deeply understand the experience of the other. We listen not just with our minds to comprehend the ideas being expressed, but we open our hearts to fully receive the person before us as they are.
We all know what it feels like to not be fully listened to. I have a friend who used to multi-task when we spoke on the phone. He would respond appropriately to what I was saying, but I could hear him shuffling papers and answering emails. Even though he was following the conversation, I felt bereft as I was sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. Fortunately, our friendship was more important than his to-do list, and now I happily get his full attention.
Benefits of Good Listening
Deep listening reduces isolation and fosters connection. If you are experiencing challenging interactions or you want your connections to deepen, reflect on how you can improve your listening skills. The benefits are numerous:
- People will feel be more drawn to you; they will like you more.
- You will learn something new.
- You will have the information to solve problems more effectively.
- You will experience less loneliness and frustration.
- You will feel happier and more relaxed.
At the core, all of us want to be fully seen and accepted as is. When you listen from the heart, everyone wins. The offering of this most treasured gift dissolves walls and heals division. Learn to listen from the heart, and watch your relationships thrive.
Use Your Powers of Observation
Listen deeply to all the ways your conversation partner is communicating with you by observing. Notice the distance between you, eye movements, skin tone changes, arm and hand movements, tone of voice, pace of speaking. You are certain to discover something you’ve never noticed before.
A while ago, I was interacting with someone I didn’t know very well. I asked a question, and saw her skin turn pale and her eyes look down. I knew something had shifted and soon discovered I had inadvertently touched a very sore spot.
What to do with the information you glean? Use it to stay in rapport with your partner. If the person you are speaking with is hesitating, wait before jumping in. If emotion is beginning to show, be empathic. If your goal is to stay connected and take the conversation deeper, your observations will guide you, as people can’t help but express themselves in a multitude of ways. See your partner with fresh eyes and you are sure to reach a new level of connection.
Pay Full Attention
Research shows that we speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute, yet we have the capacity to listen to approximately 400 words per minute. This leaves 275 words per minute of extra space in our minds when someone else is talking. What do we do with that space? We fill it up with extraneous thoughts.
Paying attention is the cardinal rule for good listening. Hear the words, and let their meaning in. If your mind wanders, simply re-focus your attention. Ask questions to find out what really matters to the person you are speaking with.
How Are You Showing Up?
Deep listening happens only when you are open and receptive. If you begin the conversation with an agenda, you are not going to be available to fully hear what the other person is saying.
At the proper time, you will have the opportunity to express yourself. But when you are listening, be empty. Put yourself aside so you are hearing directly rather than through your own filters. Resist the temptation to jump to conclusions or assume you know what the person is going to say. Clear your mind of expectations, and lovingly open your heart to the unknown.
Read Between the Lines
Nonviolent communication is a beautifully articulated process that facilitates peaceful interactions. It focuses on listening for the other’s feelings and needs. No matter what words you are hearing, try to detect the feeling and/or need that is being expressed. Check your understanding by reflecting the feeling (“It sounds like you are feeling…”) or asking if your conclusion is correct (“Are you saying that you need more time?”).
Active Listening
Active listening is a skill that allows you to see if you are on track. When someone is speaking, make sure you can repeat what you just heard, and if you can’t, ask for clarification. You might be surprised at how much you are missing. When you think you’ve gotten it, verify your understanding, as in “So what you are saying is….”
Patience is a Virtue
I’m sure you have noticed that people have different styles of communicating. Some speak fluidly, while others hesitate. Some are wordy, others succinct. Honor the style of the person you are conversing with by not interfering or interrupting. When you feel the urge, take a breath and reconnect with what is being said. You are opening your heart when you give people the space to simply be as they are.
Get a Fresh Perspective
Have you ever had the same problematic conversation with someone over and over? Transform the relationship by redoubling your efforts to listen deeply. Let go of your need to be right or your ideas about what the other person should be saying or doing, and hear them as if for the first time. Be curious, and you are certain to learn something new that can break an impasse or shift a frustrating dynamic.
When we listen deeply we meet as one. Whether or not we agree with what we hear, listening from the heart invites us to be present in our interactions and to explore our own defenses and barriers. When we put down our positions and expectations, we are alive in the moment. Then our hearts are open wide, and our relationships can flourish.
Do you think you could listen better? What have you learned from really listening to others?
Read more from Gail on her blog A Flourishing Life.
Only 60 more places on the upcoming FREE Virtual Zen Retreat: The Miracle of Kindness, 7-12 february 2010. Secure your place by filling out the form in the sidebar or find out more about Virtual Zen Retreats here.
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This is a really insightful look at the skill of listening. It’s something that I find I often have to give conscious attention too. But, why wouldn’t I? You get so much more out of authentic communication.
You can really feel the expressiveness of yourself and the other. I tend to be overcome with a great peace when I listen deeply. Too often people hear but don’t listen. A trick I use focus on the other person is to listen to the silence in between the words.
.-= Zen Choices´s last blog ..Simple, Creative “Rock Your Goals” Tactic Makes Unappealing Tasks and Stale Goal Setting Strategies Sing =-.
Listening. I used to be a good listener. Then I stopped. I felt like I was not being heard at all. Now I know that I need to swing back the pendulum to being a good listener as well.
I have some very good and bad experiences with attentive listening. Good experiences: people really opening up and talking to me and feeling better after, being able to connect to others on a deeper level and so on.
Here are some problems I have encountered with being a good listener. Everybody just wants to talk about themselves and you feel drained after talking to certain people. Moreover, people love to talk about their problems instead of seeking for solutions. If they realize that you are willing to listen to their issues, then they will end up taking advantage of that and just use you as an emotional outlet.
Attentive listening is a great tool when used appropriately, otherwise it can have you feel empty and used if done incorrectly. Just my thoughts. Maybe others have different experiences.
Best,
Tomas
@Zen Choices: What a beautiful description of listening and what you have discovered as a result! I love your suggestion – to listen to the silence between the words. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
@Tomas: I really appreciate your comment, Tomas, and I am so glad you mentioned these issues. Listening is only one part of communication. The problems you mention are realistic – people complaining and talking about themselves forever.
In situations like these where we feel uncomfortable and even drained, it is completely appropriate to take care of ourselves. Being a good listener includes discrimination. If I am aware that I can’t listen to the person in the moment, I am being authentic with my own experience by politely ending the conversation or changing the subject.
Good listening involves hearing the other person’s feelings and needs. But our own feelings and needs need to be included as well for a satisfying interaction. I think it’s about finding a balance that works for everyone.
I have found that asking questions is a very useful tool. If someone is complaining, for example, I might ask them what they want from me or how I can help. If they are going on and on, I might ask questions about what they are speaking about so I can be more engaged.
Good communication is dynamic and evolving. The more present we are with our own and the other’s experience, the more fulfilling, and heartfelt, the connection will be.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out =-.
Wonderful post Gail. I must say that listening is something that we all can learn.
Usually we tend to speak our mind out, but sometimes it is more important to listen to those around you. One can learn a lot of things, or find out how to help people out, which in turn can leads us to do more good.
I’ll be sure to keep this post among my must read!
.-= Alejandro Reyes´s last blog ..Is money bad?… =-.
@Alejandro: Glad you found the post helpful! Sometimes we’re too busy talking to consider the benefits of being quiet and listening! Finding that still place inside and fully receiving what is being presented to us can be transformative. I’m happy for you that you have discovered the power of listening.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out =-.
An all too important post Gail. I love it. I’ve always said we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen more, that way when we do talk we’re much more effective and we actually connect with the other person on a much deeper level.
Listening is such a skill. Hearing what someone said, but knowing what they are saying “is” a skill in my opinion. You’ve outlined some great points so that one would be more effective in their connection. “Reading between the lines” is right.
Another great point you make is always repeating back to the person what they said or reflecting back the feeling, “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying/feel…” This is a powerful way to let the other person know you’re paying attention and what they have to say or communicate is important.
Wonderful post! Very very important and key points.
.-= Tony Teegarden´s last blog ..3 Levels of Learning-From Insight to Transformation =-.
Gail:
Thanks for a great response! I loved the practical tips at the very end
I will keep them in mind, next time someone tries to unload their emotional baggage on me
Best,
Tomas
.-= Tomas Stonkus´s last blog ..Be The Change You Want To See In The World =-.
@Tomas: Great, Tomas! Feel free to let me know how it goes.
@Tony: I’m happy to hear that you appreciate the power and benefits of good listening. It’s something we all can use reminders on from time to time.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out =-.
Deep listening to another in conversation is essential. You have to be totally present and not preparing your return comment for true and beautiful communication to occur.
.-= Richard | RichardShelmerdine.com´s last blog ..Lessons From a Month of Meditation =-.
@Richard: That is so true, Richard. Our minds tend to jump ahead and prepare the reply. When we realize this, we can return to the present allowing for “true and beautiful communication.” Thank you so much for your comment.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out =-.
This is something I really need to work on. I’m terrible about interrupting or thinking of what I want to say and only half paying attention to the other person. It’s a terrible flaw and one I struggle to overcome. Thank you for the great post. It’s one I need to revisit regularly.
@Kelly: Hi Kelly, I am moved by your courage to admit to the problems you have with listening to others. The first giant step to changing any behavior is to really take in the effects of the behavior that isn’t working. As the whole process becomes more conscious, we then have the ability to make a different, more satisfying choice.
May I suggest that you try to be very kind and compassionate with yourself as you begin to make changes? Your mind is probably highly conditioned to think quickly and come up with fascinating things to add to the conversation. Bring compassion to your busy mind, and you will eventually be able to make the choice to stay present.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Happiness from the Inside Out =-.
I like this. I always understood that I was a fairly good communicator. I had a job with the public and most of all, what I learned is that most of us, all of us, are alike in many ways. Over the years I would notice I get bored when people talk and I would “check out” and wonder what happened. I would crave the depth of a conversation and wanted it to come from someone else. It was a constant lonely feeling.
I have been trying to not talk as much which is a huge problem for me, so I take a breath and a look. I think or say, thank you for sharing that, or I enjoyed our conversation.
I am working on building close friendships with like minded people. Tough at times, with my busy busy mind!
Thank you,
Cheryl
Wow, Cheryl! I love the insights you have about yourself and your willingness to tell the truth. What courage to realize that you were looking to others to deepen the conversation while you were checking out. Once we let go of blaming others and look at ourselves, transformation is possible.
The steps you are taking such as taking a breath and making a simple heartfelt comment sound just right to me. Maybe you can look beneath your busy mind into your heart? That’s where the surest guidance always rests.
I wish you well.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Meditation is a Gift to Yourself =-.
Thank you Gail,
Ahhh, the heart. I think I have a guarded heart. No one has come close in a long time. My words are what I’ve used to protects my sad and lonely heart and I wondered why I couldn’t get close. I am unsure of how I do it, but I certainly keep people from getting close. My best guess is that it’s my words.
I notice the people who are great, warm and kind listeners. I will try more kindness and mostly I’m talking about being kind to myself.
Cheryl
.-= cheryl´s last blog ..Everything Michael Buble cover ukulele & voice =-.
@Cheryl: You are so ripe! So much insight! Yes, kindness toward yourself, especially as you begin to stay quiet and peek into those closed-off and guarded places. There is a sweet, tender one in there just itching to come out. I can feel it.
BTW, you have a gorgeous voice.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Meditation is a Gift to Yourself =-.
Thank you Gail for your words and you compliment.
I’m sitting here…sad all day and trying to keep focus in the now. Reading and stopping and being quiet. This one day I’ve learned so much about myself. I’m overwhelmed with my feelings. Silly thing is, I was feeling bummed out that a “guy” didn’t call me. That’s not it…silly me. I was saying such bad things about myself. I thought I need to listen to myself and be kind to me. Then I read this. Yes, this moment is sad and soon it will be gone.
Cheryl
.-= cheryl´s last blog ..Everything Michael Buble cover ukulele & voice =-.
@Cheryl: Our feelings stay with us because we spin a story in our minds over and over. Sounds like part of your story is self-critical. Bringing kindness right into that self-critical part sounds like just the right thing.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Meditation is a Gift to Yourself =-.
Hi Gail.
This is a nice post with some really useful advice ~ I enjoyed the read.
I have recently come across a model on active listening & it seems to align to some of your key points
Active Listening Model
@Livvy Thanks, Livvy. And I appreciate your sharing the link. It shows a very clear depiction of the skill of active listening.
.-= Gail @ A Flourishing Life´s last blog ..Meditation Is a Gift to Yourself =-.
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