A guest post by Nadia Ballas-Ruta of Happy Lotus
We have all been in the situation where someone has criticized our work, or some concept we suggested was rejected. Receiving such news is never easy but here are four tips to help you deal with such situations.
1. Don’t take it personally
One of the first things that seems to always happen upon receiving criticism is that the person to whom the criticism is directed takes it as a personal attack. Granted, there are some people out there who take pleasure in bringing people down. However, there is a distinction between constructive criticism and vicious condemnation. Learn to decipher the distinction and the first step to do that is to not take what is said personally.
Easier said than done, I know…but it’s essential.
Realize that the constructive criticism is not about you as a person. If someone suggests one way to handle a project, that criticism has nothing to do with your character but rather methodology. I recently heard one of my co-workers complaining that they were accused of being too slow and they were extremely upset. Being too slow is not a character flaw but rather deals with productivity…there is nothing personal when it comes to productivity.
2. Listen to what is being said
Give the person who is criticizing you a chance to state their case. Hear the person out. No one is perfect and one of the ways we sometimes learn is by making a mistake. See if what the person tells you makes any sense. Can you understand their point of view?
By listening first and not reacting, you gain the other person’s respect. No one likes giving criticism. Ok…yes, some do but the majority do not. Most people don’t handle criticism well, so by listening first and not reacting, you make a difficult situation relatively easier.
3. See if there is any merit in what is being said
Assuming that the criticism is constructive, there must be reason why the person is giving a critique. So see if there is any merit to what is being said. Check to see if you can learn anything from the criticism. Ask questions if any come to mind. Seek clarification if you are not sure what the person is trying to say. The best thing you can do is to view the entire encounter as a learning experience and keep an open mind. You actually may learn something that will come in handy. You will not know unless you thoroughly evaluate what you are being told and are objective.
If you realize that the criticism is merely a personal attack, try not to argue – nothing ever gets solved with an argument…discussion, yes but not argument. There is a fine line between the two but there can be a dramatic difference in the outcome. If someone is truly making a personal attack on you, most likely their mind is already made up and if you try to argue you will just be adding fuel to the fire.
Your best course of action may be to walk away from the situation as soon as possible, to let things “cool off”.
However, if you absolutely feel that a discussion is warranted, then always think before you speak. A very wise friend once told me to count to ten before you speak and you will find that what comes out of your mouth next will be filled with a lot more wisdom, then if you were to blurt something out impulsively.
4. Say ‘thank you’
Finally, when all has been said, thank the person for sharing their thoughts whether you agree with their assessment or not. Again, this is assuming that the criticism is constructive. By handling a tough situation with grace, you will come out a winner. Being calm and collected shows maturity and professionalism. Such behavior is a great example of taking lemons and turning them into lemon meringue pie!
Read more by Nadia Ballas-Ruta on her blog Happy Lotus
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Nadia,
Excellent advice!
I think the hardest part for me is the cooling off. I want to discuss my thoughts right away, but it’s a bad idea. I usually realize the value of the criticism only if I take the time to think in a calm, deliberate way.
Roger – A Content Lifes last blog post..Staying Open-Minded With Others
For me, compassion is the essence of dealing with criticism. For myself and the other.
In Zen, there’s the idea of non-separation. Which means that whatever ill we see in another is in ourselves as well, and whatever ill another sees in us is in them. That thought can be used to defend and decry others for “projection”, or it can lead to compassion. With compassion things bother us less.
Matthew | Polaris Risings last blog post..The story of the cat who did things differently
Hi Roger, I used to have the same problem. That is why counting to ten comes in handy. It helps in cooling down.
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..Four Positive Ways to Deal with Criticism
Very helpful post, Nadia! Like Roger, the hardest part for me is waiting to cool down. I’ve learned (the hard way, which wasn’t fun) that the best thing for me to do after being criticized is to say “Thank you. I need some time to digest what you’ve said. Can we get back together in a day or two?” And yes, it usually takes me that long to really cool off, but once I do, I can respond clearly and coherently, which is much better than losing it!
Jay Schryers last blog post..Dear Daughter
Great post.
In addition, I think it’s very important not to argue or defend your position to the person who is criticizing.
The other day I had to deal with some criticism about the usability of a nonprofit website I built. She had some great feedback and I welcomed it but I started to realize I was explaining myself and therefore arguing against her point. I stopped myself as soon as I recognized what I was doing.
Mark Lewiss last blog post..I’m Not an Expert
@ Jay – I love the way you handle such a situation so that you do not lose your cool. Very awesome.
@Mark Lewis – That is also an excellent point. Thank you for sharing.
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..Four Positive Ways to Deal with Criticism
Hi Nadia,
Very well said.When someone criticize us with an intention to irritate us and enjoy himself, it’s really hard to bear it up especially but your tips are very useful and valuable to face such incidents with out getting hurt.
Nadia,
Concerted listening and not taking things personally are very hard to achieve. Much more so in a personal relationship than a professional one. Your “action points” are more than helpful…especially the last one – say thank you. That one can diffuse many a situation and I’ve never thought of applying it here. Thank you.
Simply Stephens last blog post..iPOD Touch – Josh Spaulding is Giving Away a Free One!!!
Hiya
I particularly liked point 4. The ability to turn a criticism to positive and constructive for yourself is very useful. Not always easily applied as criticism appears in many forms.
So maybe the ‘art’ of appreciating and transforming criticism is flexibility. Maybe I will add humour to that as well.
Thanks for the article
Jens
Hi Nadia,
this is great advice! I think number 1 is crucial. If you can distance yourself enough from what is said by not taking it personally you can then follow the next steps and learn from the experience.
It’s been one of my hardest life lessons, not taking things personally. Now I try to remember that if someone is suggesting a better way of doing something they’re trying to help.
On the other hand, if they’re criticising my character I remind myself that whatever it is they have a problem with is really a reflection of something in themselves they don’t like or want to acknowledge, and not really about me at all.
BUT, if what they’ve said continues to bother me, then there must be something in it that deep down I’m uncomfortable with about myself. And what is that, and why is that? So much to learn . . . they’re still being helpful – even if they really did mean to be hurtful!
It’s kind of mad really how it’s all good, even the bad stuff
Great post, Nadia! And I agree with many folk above, especially Hilda. You have a real advantage here, Nadia, because you’re an intrinsically kind, positive person and you know yourself well enough to avoid letting any insecurities make you turn defensively nasty, like many people do if they hear – or perceive – criticism.Your instincts will allow you, as Hilda said, to know if a person’s intentions are helpful. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have.
I think it’s important here to ask ourselves whether the criticism is unsolicited or not. It has bearing on how we deal with it. If it’s on a blog post or through a contact page on a blog, etc, then the first response, as you say, should be to thank the person. If there’s self-learning in it for us, as there usually is, thank you is appropriate.
If their criticism of us is totally unsolicited and also very nasty, then we can choose to simply bless them, walk away and not engage, refusing to accept the cardboard box of toxic dialogue they’re holding out to us. Eventually, they will suffer from all that unpleasantness if it drips onto them, or they will have to put it down on the ground and walk away if we choose not to engage.
What other people think of us is really, at the end of the day, none of our concern. It simply is what it is. We have a choice of whether to engage or not. There’s a huge difference between how we react and how we respond. How we react to criticism usually says more about us and our unmet needs than it does about the person doing the criticising.
janices last blog post..How to Feel Happy for No Reason
Great post, Nadia!
I loved it. This is really great advice and it applies to just about everyone!
http://positivelypresent.typepad.com
Positively Presents last blog post..wisdom from wonderland
I hate critics with a passion. This speech sums up perfectly what truly mattrers when it comes to criticism.
I hope you will enjoy.
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
(Paris Sorbonne,1910)
Jonathan EnlightenYourDay.coms last blog post..61 Spirituality Quotes for the Soul to Ponder
@ Vikum – Receiving criticism is never easy but like anything in life, having a way to look at the situation with a positive attitude really helps.
@ Jens – Glad you liked the post. I am all for humor and if it can be found in such a situation…I am all for it!
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..Four Positive Ways to Deal with Criticism
@ Hilda – Learning not to take things personally was really hard for me too. I used to wonder how could I not take certain things personally. But then I figured it out…or rather the lesson kept being repeated until I figured it out!
@ P.P. – Thank you for leaving a comment here and on my blog. No one is immune from criticism.
@ Jonathan – Interesting quote. “Daring greatly” is a very cool way to live for as they say “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
@ Mary – Thank you so much for the opportunity to have a guest post here. It is truly an honor!
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Great post. You offered some really good advice here. I especially appreciate that you mentioned the importance of temporarily walking away if the situation leaves a person a bit hot headed. Thinking before you speak is probably one of the most important things we can do in any situation.
I don’t know how many times not doing it has gotten me into trouble
. Thanks! Keep up the great work. Glad you sent me that follow on Twitter.
Perspective Shift Chriss last blog post..Astral Projection: Your First Steps
Hi Nadia (and Mary!)
These are great points. There is always some reason behind why someone criticizes. I think often it’s just the other person displacing their frustration on you, but it does make sense to see if there is any place you really could improve. Yeah, why not give them the gift of trying to see where they’re coming from? I love that idea.
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@ Perspective Shift Chris – Thank you so much for the positive feedback. I am glad that you liked the post and yes, thinking before you speak is a smart thing to do. I learned that one the hard way too!
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..Four Positive Ways to Deal with Criticism
@ Simply Stephen – It is a challenge not to take things personally. I really had a hard time learning that one but it gets easier with time.
@ Matthew – Compassion is key in any situation in life. A compassionate attitude can do wonders.
@ Janice – You are right. Having a positive attitude and being at peace with yourself makes it easier to distinguish constructive criticism from vicious criticism. It took me a LONG time to be able to make the distinction. The more honest I became with myself, the easier it became to handle criticism and to notice a difference between constructive and unconstructive criticism.
@ David – Glad that you enjoyed the post and that you saw criticism from a different perspective!
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..Happy News (April 26, 2009)
Hi Nadia,
What I love about this especially is your last step – saying “thank you” to the person who is criticizing you. And what I love about this is how disarming this can be for both parties. And how well a gracious attitude can be toward any potential future issues that come up.
Lances last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
Hi Lance,
A gracious attitude can do wonders because it is usually so unexpected.
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..My Adventures with Chakras
Thanks for this post. One thing I’d add is that it seems to me that, when I feel criticized or attacked, what’s really going on is that I’ve found a part of myself I’m not okay with, and what the other person said has just reminded me of that. And then I know where to focus my next efforts at personal growth.
@ Chris – That is an excellent point because I have found that to be true too.
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..My Adventures with Chakras
I hear you.. I have room to improve. I can make myself better.. Accept people are trying to help.. sometimes I might not like how they share the criticism.
Martins last blog post..Changing Bad Habits
This is something that every blogger should take to heart, especially when the comment section of the blog becomes too lively and tempers flare up. Very wise and quite helpful these reminders.
The hardest for people to do is to really listen to what is being said. All too often we get our guards up and we shoot down everything that we think challenges our core beliefs.
If we master these things – we don’t have to agree with those who criticize us – we’d be really on our way to zen blogging. “,)
jan geronimos last blog post..Bah! You Can Curtsy Now – I’m an Influential Blogger