Photo by Carlo Nicora
By Joe Bailey
Deep listening occurs when your mind is quiet.
Your thoughts are flowing rather than crowding your mind with distractions, interpretations, judgments, conclusions, or assumptions. Your mind is open, curious, interested — as though you were hearing this person for the first time. Deep listening applies not only to communication with another, but also to listening to ourselves and to life in general. The goal of deep listening is to hear beyond the words of the other person and yourself, to the essence of what the words and feelings are pointing to. Your mind and heart are joined in union — you are listening wholeheartedly.
Deep listening is effortless; it is more like listening lightly to your favorite music, the sound of a stream rushing by, or a bird singing. When we listen to these delightful sounds we are under no pressure, we aren’t analyzing or figuring out — we are simply letting the feelings and sounds affect us. Deep listening is not defensive, argumentative, or intrusive. It is not about struggling to analyze or interpret. It is a purely receptive state of mind. In a state of deep listening, we realize our oneness. We realize that we are not separate, but truly one spirit — we are connected.
When we listen deeply, we let go of any beliefs we have about the other person.
We let go of our prejudices and past memories of him or her.
Here is an example of deep listening in action.
One day, Julie and Jeff were talking about the possibility of getting together with another couple that lived on the other side of the country. On prior occasions, every time Jeff would bring up the possibility, he sensed that Julie had a resistance to it. This time, she opened the subject.
She said, “Let’s talk about getting together with Bob and Celeste.”
“I get the feeling you aren’t sure about getting together with them, is that right?” Jeff asked.
“I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me about it. Can you just listen to me for a moment till I get some clarity?”
“Sure.” Jeff cleared his mind of his agenda and just listened to her. He opened himself up to seeing a new possibility.
She said, “I want to get together with them, but I just feel like staying home at this point. After the holidays and all the traveling we did this fall, I don’t seem to be interested in doing anything but staying home. Perhaps they could come here? Maybe we could tell them we’d like to get together and let them know we’d like them to come here.”
“I’m open to that. I’ll call them and take it to the next step and see what happens.”
As it turned out, other circumstances came up, and their friends couldn’t get together with them anyway. If Jeff had tried to pursue his agenda of going out West, it would have been a waste of time. More importantly, by not pressing his point and by being open to what his wife had to say, Julie felt heard and respected for her feelings.
In the past, Jeff might have handled this situation differently. He might have had thoughts like, “She never wants to do anything!” He would have tried to logically convince her of why they should go where their friends live: because it was warmer there, because they lived by the ocean, or whatever else supported his agenda.
In contrast, deep listening enabled Jeff to understand and respect Julie’s feelings, and he felt fine about the outcome of their talk. This non-pressured approach to listening helped Julie to sort out her own feelings, which is conducive to gaining insights. And he felt loving, secure, and quiet while he was deeply listening to Julie.
This interaction led to a feeling of closeness and connection between Jeff and Julie. It helped him to see the situation in a new way and to let go of his agenda, and it helped her get clarity on what she wanted to do.
The goal of deep listening is to be touched by the other person and to hear the essence of what he or she is saying. Deep listening is based on a feeling of unconditional love and respect. It stems from our natural Self, from timeless love. In addition, it slows you down to the speed of love.
Reprinted with permission from “Slowing Down to the Speed of Love” by Joe Bailey.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Nice example Mary. I like the thought of ‘listening with your whole body’ and not let mental clutter get in the way.
Great post!
Cheers,
Glen
Glen Allsopps last blog post..The Most Inspiring Video You’ll Watch This Year
It seems to be the overall consensus that the recent increase in the speed of daily life is not beneficial to our spiritual well-being. I wonder if we will find a happy medium or figure out a way to make fast-living spiritually effective.
Your first couple of lines in this post allude to meditative reflection, which is the best way to really hear someone.
By giving up our own agenda, and not thinking about what our response will be, we are able to just listen completely and hear the message behind the words. I feel this is where genuine relationship comes from.
Chad Prigmores last blog post..17 X 365 = 6,205
It’s amazing how our pre-judegments on another person’s thinking or motivations generate emotions and reactions that would have never come up if we had just listened deeply. I’m doing an acting course at the moment and the teacher keeps saying that the best actors are the most attentive listeners because by doing so they take the emphasis of themselves and put it on the other character and the scene, bringing it to life. In life we’re all playing roles, not in a conniving way, but in the sense that we put on different hats throughout the day, so as as Shakespeare said – “all of life is a stage” – to give our lives rich with detail and energy we can start by taking the attention off our on myriad of thoughts and onto the words and feelings of the people we’re sharing the stage of life with. Great post, thanks Joe and Mary.
Within most people there is a continuous mind chatter and mental noise dialogging on the background of every moment. This dialogging is in a continuous struggle, since in every moment it has a goal or desire that needs completed in order to make a problem better. This part of you is always questioning with “what if” dilemmas and creating stressful patterns when you respond to it by dwelling on it.
I discovered when the mind is quiet of the mental chatter, something phenomenal happens. The struggle stops, stress raises itself absent, depression melts away, and things I once saw as problems are nothing but a product of the mind. The pain of the problems disappear for the reason that you see the ‘problems’ are nothing more then a situation that desires attention.
The mind does not want to be in the present, the mind fixates a need within people to be in the future, where a goal, plan, or desire needs fulfilling in order to relieve itself from the moment of now. The mind is continuously struggling in every moment to attain itself in an undertaking to get absent from the moment.
However, when living in the moment then your not worried about the time is going to take to get it done (future), you not stressed over the thought of having so much to do because you realize the moment you get it done, within that moment of completion, your mind will think of another goal to achieve. When living in the moment you realize that you will always be incomplete when it comes to goals, so you never worry yourself about them, you just live in the moment and do the things feel good in that moment. You dont have thoughts of “I have to get this done or else this and this will happen!” because you realize that is the mind.
Quieting the mind is indeed the most magnificent way to truly listen. Thank you for this article and the opportunity to comment
Nicholas Powiulls last blog post..Powiull Sleep Day 10-11 (Adopting Powiull Sleep: Different Methods): by Nicholas Powiull
Thanks for this post. One thing I often do when I’m listening to people is to focus on the tone of what they’re saying rather than their words. Then it seems that I can hear the feelings and desires, which are what’s truly important to my conversation partner anyway.
Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coachings last blog post..Inner Productivity, Part Five: Breathing Through Our Fear
Depending i guess on who I’m speaking to, deep listening takes on a different form. Some people verbalize the opposite of how they feel,
Some people verbalize the opposite of what they believe,
Some people are really not worth deep listening to,
I think deep listening requires not an open heart, but an open mind on the real sense of meaning.
claudio alegres last blog post..Advantages of Pay per Click (PPC) Marketing for Businesses
How beautifully stated: “He opened himself up to seeing a new possibility.” This is real communication. The only real communication. Deep listening is such a skill and such a gift. In doing customer service training I realize how very rare this becomes, given all the pressures people deal with. Still, it’s a remarkably transformative skill. Thanks for the post!
Adrilias last blog post..President Obama’s Call to Service: Setting us up for Success
Very nice post. Deep listening is important for everyone to master, for not only does it open up new possibilities for the person, but also those surrounding him or her. It allows for people to connect with others better, and to overall live a happier lifestyle. Everyone should practice it at all times possible (which is, all the time).
deepikaurs last blog post..Best Ab Workouts [Fitness]
Hi Deepikaur!
Yes, everyone should. But it’s not so easy. Because we tend to have conversations with ourselves as we listen. We’re already formulating what we’re going to answer before the other person has finished speaking.