Some of us lack a couple of gears; it’s either full power ahead or nothing. Do you suffer from that? I do. My All or Nothing mode was forged a long ago. I come from a family of high achievers and my mother’s way of responding to achievement was — well, see for yourself. Here is an interchange that happened when I was about 11 years old:
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I bounced home from school after Sports Day, “Mummy, Mummy – I got second place in the 100 metre sprints today!!”
My mother looked at me in concern, “Second place? Oh, what went wrong?”.
You get the picture? No wonder I’m an All or Nothing girl!
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I’ve tried hard not to pass it on to my son. But it must have leaked out somehow. I gave a wry smile when I heard Sebastian say recently, after I suggested taking up kite-surfing: “No. I’m not going to take up a new sport. I haven’t got time to devote to a new one. And I’m not interested in being mediocre at things.”
Oh dear. All or Nothing – here we come!
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I’ve been trying to modify my All or Nothing pattern recently. With mixed success. I’ll give you an example: I’m focussing on becoming fitter and more flexible in the next 8 weeks. For starters I’m trying an experiment to see what happens to my body if I go to a yoga class each day for 4 weeks. (That’s maybe in the ALL basket??) Today I also resumed some uphill running for cardio-vascular fitness. Instead of jogging right to the top of a hill nearby, I decided to just run to the first bend and then add a bend each day until I get to the top easily. (Maybe that’s a bit more modulated?).
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All or Nothing is a mode that creates perfectionists. It has a bad rap. Here is an example from a delightful blog by singer/writer Christine Kane
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All or Nothing thinking says, “You either do this perfectly, or you don’t even bother.” It’s one of the biggest blocks to making positive changes in your life. It’s one of the biggest blocks to making your life work at all.
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But is it really all bad?
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Let’s take a look at the Pro’s and Con’s of the All or Nothing mindset:
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Pro’s:
- You tend to achieve more in life
- You end up highly skilled in variety of areas
- You are able to focus on one thing and go for it it
- You have high expectations of yourself
- You can turn it on in emergencies for extra power and stamina
- You never suffer from boredom
Con’s
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- You tend to be a bit highly strung
- To kick back and relax is difficult
- You tend to overuse your body
- You’re still trying to please your parents (even if they’re dead)
- You find it difficult to just do things for fun without wanting to achieve excellence
- You are hard on yourself
- It adds grittiness to one’s character (which isn’t always pleasant)
- It can paralyse you (“…if I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not even going to try.”)
- Nothing is ever good enough
- It can sabotage effort
As you can see there are both pros and cons.
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When the mind is in All or Nothing mode, it sees the world in black and white. In order to modify this mindset, we need to train ourselves to focus softly on the inbetween shades. For example, in my yoga practice I have to respond to tiny inflexions of balance, tension, and relaxation. In class today we were standing in Mountain pose and I could feel exactly on which part of the soles my weight was resting. That’s taking note of shades and inflexions.
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We could try something together. We could focus for one week on what is betwixt and between: the fading light in the evening, the turning of the tide, the shift between sleeping and waking, or the many other moments when soft change occurs. Maybe we could share our experiences of this in the comments. I would enjoy that.
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There is something more I want to add. Take a look at the two beautiful images in this post. They are by my favourite photographer, Manuel Alfonso Arpa. The leaves captured in the photos are perfect. Just as the blue sky is perfect and the raindrops are perfect and Sweetie the cat is perfect.
To be perfect, means to be complete.
When I look at Sweetie – all curled up and purring at my side – that’s complete Sweetieness. And I, sitting on the sofa writing, am complete Maryness. Each thing is complete and that completeness has its own unique beauty.
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We need to remember – especially us All or Nothing people – that our stumbles and shambles are also complete.
Each step, each breath, each action is complete.
When we remember that, we can transform this mindset into an energy that encourages us to learn and develop in life – and yet accept our inevitable failures with good cheer and kindness.
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Copyright: Mary Jaksch 2008
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
“…our stumbles and shambles are also complete.”
Mary, I absolutely agree. The worst failure is not the stumble and shambles, but the absence of the experience if we didn’t try.
Al at 7Ps last blog post..Strengths or Weaknesses: Which Should You Improve?
@Al
Yes, you’re right – it’s so easy to miss out on experiences just because of our fear of shambling and stumbling.
By the way – I love your article Strength or Weaknesses – Which Should you Improve?
Black and white thinking often forms the filtered lens through which we view the world. You are right to suggest that we should note the in-betweens. It will be a pity to miss appreciating the various shades.
In life, it is about balance for many things. Taking on an extreme approach can be dangerous!
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Our Life Journey: Break Free From Limiting Beliefs
@ Evelyn Lim
I find it hard to focus on the inbetween things when I’m in a rush. The good things is that noticing the fine shades allows me to slow down for a moment.
Mary, this is definitely an area of my life that I need to work on. In the past it has paralyzed me from starting things because I felt it wasn’t “all” (the best) it was “nothing” (not worth it).
While I don’t suffer from action-paralysis anymore, I often suffer from satisfaction-paralysis. What’s helped me is returning to the present and realizing the completeness of life in the moment.
Jonathan Meads last blog post..The Biggest Lie; The Lie of Our Imperfection
@Jonathan Mead
‘Satisfaction paralysis’ sounds intriguing. What is it??
Mary, you have no idea how timely this post was for me. I was sitting here feeling frustrated and not really knowing why. I’m going through a lot of things in my life right now and I want to deal with all of them NOW. I’m forgetting to let go and just ride out the moments, enjoying the things life has for me right NOW. It’s just like I’ve learned in my own yoga practice, “Be here now.” When you are an all or nothing person, sometimes you forget that while you’re rushing to get to the completeness of your plan, you can miss out on all the satisfying moments along the way. Thank you for the reminder.
@Brenda Grate
I’m glad this post was a timely reminder for you. It’s really strange how what we needs often turns up when we really need it.
Yes, we miss out on the satisfying moments if we rush. All or Nothing people like us need to learn to …linger…
Another perspective is to believe that no choice is right or wrong, better or worse. Rather, choose to believe that each choice is meaningful for what it is. Resist judging and comparing. See what happens. Your life will change.
@Liara
Lovely! That’s a very important point, Liara.
I think that a good approach is to pick one or two things that you are 100% committed to excel at, and then you can dabble into a whole bunch of other things. Knowing something about a lot of different things can make you more well-rounded. At the same time, I think everyone should strive to be an “expert” and “the best” at something.
Marelisas last blog post..Awakening the Warrior
Satisfaction paralysis is basically being paralyzed from enjoying life and enjoying success because you’re too wrapped up in what you could have done or what you could have done better.
It’s being “paralyzed” from enjoy life. It sucks.
I’m moving away from that type of thinking, but like you, I’m an over-achiever. I always want things to be perfect. Sometimes it’s hard to find balance. There is hope though! Gratitude and meditation has been a valuable tool for keeping me centered.
Jonathan Meads last blog post..The Biggest Lie; The Lie of Our Imperfection
@Marelisa
I agree, it’s good to strive for excellence. That’s the great thing in life: we can always keep on learning and developing.
Most All of Nothing people seem to be really good at more than one thing.
@Jonathan Mead
It’s easy to get eaten up with thought on how one could, should, might have done something better. Sometimes humor is the saving grace, like in the following story.
In my post ‘Good, Better, Perfect: How to Escape the Trap of Perfectionism’ I recount the following experience:
I was sitting on a hillside, lazing in the evening sun. I closed my eyes for a moment and went into a daydream. Then I saw myself standing in a cemetery. In front of me was a gravestone. To my surprise I saw that it was my own grave. It said: ‘Here lies Mary Jaksch’. Then I saw a line underneath in small lettering. I bent down to read it. It said: ‘She should have done better’!
I roared with laughter!
(You can find the post here: http://goodlifezen.com/2007/11/04/how-to-escape-perfectionism/)
Mary,
That one gave me a good chuckle.
I think mine might says “what was he thinking?” =)
Jonathan Meads last blog post..The Biggest Lie; The Lie of Our Imperfection
thanks for this timely reminder. it enabled me to laugh at myself feeling so high strung lately due to an old tape playing in my head to attend to minutest details in attemps to choreograph reality. hah! catching myself with the help of your post, i paused and breathed … taking my experience as additional information to remind myself to relish reality as it is. damn old tape in my head!
Einstein once said, “Everything has changed but our thinking.”
@Roy
Yes, indeed – the old tapes in our head…
I think the most important step is to actually notice them! Then we begin to see that this is not about reality – it’s about our past experiences presenting themselves in the form of a message that plays over an over in our head.
Your comment has inspired me to write my next post about how to change those mind tapes. Watch this space
What a wonderful post – I just “discovered” you via your guest post on the Write to Done blog – what luck!
Your upbringing sounds quite similar to mine. As an adult, once I found something I was good at, I stuck with it until I was the best at it. And almost had a nervous breakdown from the stress. Meanwhile, as I would lie down at night, I would write in my head. Stories, novellas, poems — but never, ever made them real the next day because I couldn’t possibly be the BEST writer, so why bother…
By being a perfectionist, I unwittingly created a miserable, highly-rewarding (financially) life. I never saw the paradox because as long as I was the best, how could it be wrong? HA – until I snapped one day this year and walked out. For good. Now I write every day. On a keyboard. Sometimes on paper. But it’s real, finally. It’s not the best – nor do I want it to be. It took 20 years for me to understand being best really is not so good.
Looking forward to reading your archives during writing breaks now!
@Annie Binns
Welcome to writing, Annie! That must have taken you a lot of courage to leave the kind of life you knew and had mastered.
I had a look at your new blog
Annie Binns: Life in the Fun Lane
It looks very promising! I really like your style.
Please keep on checking in to GoodlifeZen and tell us how you are faring.
Thanks for the quote and the link!
I actually don’t agree with the “pro’s” list up there. Those “Pro’s” are great and motivational, yes. But most “all or nothing” types I work with at my retreats or in my on-line seminars are stuck. I certainly was. It was THE thing that kept me spinning in my bulimia when I was in my early 20′s. the all or nothing mindset always stopped me in my tracks. It didn’t lend itself to any of the pro’s up there. But maybe we’re seeing two different paradigms here??
Christine Kanes last blog post..6 Easy Steps to Getting What You Want
@Christine Kane
That’s very interesting. I was struck by the way you portrayed the All or Nothing thinking on your blog as something totally negative. And I think that’s the way most people experience All or Nothing thinking. It keeps them stuck. Thank you for making this point so clearly.
I think the paradigm I’m putting forward here is a step onwards from total stuckness. I think, “Ok. So I’m an All or Nothing person. What’s the upside? And what’s the downside?” In this way it’s easier to embrace this particular character quirk, instead of seeing it as all bad.
Maybe my ‘pro’ list relates to ‘reformed’ All or Nothing people
Christine, I wonder if you could say some more about how you finally escaped the all or nothing mindset that kept you trapped in Bulimia?
cheers
Mary
Yea. I guess it’s just a different definition of All-or-Nothing. Most addictive personalities can’t break free from the traps of that mindset.
As for healing bulimia, etc — I wrote a five-part series on my blog about it starting with this one:
http://christinekane.com/blog/healing-bulimia-and-addictive-eating-part-1/
Christine Kanes last blog post..6 Easy Steps to Getting What You Want
@ Christine Kane
Thank you for sharing the link to your article on addiction, Christine. Your blog is a treasure trove.
What a confronting post! I never thought of myself as an ‘all or nothing person’. In reading this post I suddenly remembered that years ago someone once asked me whether I was an ‘all or nothing person’ and I remember myself answering ‘yes’, but the implecations of this answer never came through to me. I immediately forgot about the answer I gave. So I’m back to this question and will keep it up for a while. Thanks.
amazingmesss last blog post..upupa epops
Mary,
Life itself is an experiment. Experiment of ideas to make it enjoyable. With all or nothing concept, the biggest drawback is the desire to experiment ideas without knowing weather it will work or not. Buddhism teaches to do things without expectations. This is so important for the fulfilling life than to be a perfect. I’d love to be 2nd if 1)I love that activity and 2) despite giving my best I can only be no 2.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.coms last blog post..The Real Key to a Healthy Life
Mary, what a great post! I can really relate, I developed an all-or-nothing attitude at a very young age. While it did serve me well at times, I remember being paralysed by my perfectionism even as a small child, and heaping shame upon myself because I couldn’t measure up to my own impossible standards. I have carried a lot of this attitude with me, and I can still be very harsh towards myself. I think that this cycle of perfectionism and shame was a big factor in the development of my depression and anxiety disorder as an adult.
Betwixt and between: I have lovely moments in this liminal space early in the mornings, between leaving the house and getting on the bus for work. It’s still very dark at that time. The shadows created by the streetlights shining through the flax and trees along the road are so otherworldly and strange that it’s easy to forget myself in those moments.
@Shilpan
Your comment made me aware of how strongly the All of Nothing mode is attached to expectations, that is, the mind is always looking to the future. And, as you rightly point out, that makes us lose the sense that life is an experiment.
What a loss that is!
@Amazingmess
Writing this post was also confronting for me. I’d like to say that I’m not really an All or Nothing person – but I am. That way of thinking shapes my life. But not necessarily in negative ways.
@Jane
Thank you for bringing up the issue of shame, Jane. It’s true, shame is intimately connected with the All or Nothing mindset.
Personally I don’t suffer much from feelings of shame. I think that’s because my parents were supportive in many ways. They encouraged learning – which always includes failing. As someone said, “Learn to fail, or fail to learn.”
I found writing about the All or Nothing mindset very healing. It’s good to connect with others who also carry this character quirk! Thanks for revealing this aspect of yourself, Jane.
I have found that if I include being present, really being here now, into my “all” phase, I can enjoy instead of rushing to the next thing that simply “must” be done. It’s soooo hard… but so rewarding.
@Derek
You are so right, Derek. That little act of presence is all it takes to enjoy the moment and stop the rush!
Hey Mary, thanks a lot for sharing this post
Indeed, it is in all the stumbles and shambles where we are complete – I personally see perfection in all the supposed ‘imperfection’ as society calls it – it is the imperfection that makes something perfect.
I have written an article focusing on how to change the perfectionist mindset here:
8 Steps To Turn Your Perfectionist Alter-Ego Into Your Ally
http://embraceliving.net/blog/2008/12/8-steps-to-turn-your-perfectionist-alter-ego-into-your-ally/
Celes | EmbraceLiving.Nets last blog post..6 Things to Consider Before Discovering Your Purpose
Hi Celes!
Thanks for sharing the link to your post. It fits so well with this one!
This sounds familiar,
I find normal people get intimidated
even frightened by someone like myself with clarity of mind and focus, this tends to hold me back from letting go for fear of alienation.
Its seldom you get many like minded people together but when you do I find results are exponential and intensly satisfying.
Not sure thats a good thing though.
Great post, food for thought.
@ David Mackenzie
That’s a very interesting point about what happens when you get a group of intensely focused people together. I’ve experienced that – and it rocks!