Photo by Thiru Murugan
There are stories which open the heart and inspire the mind. A few days ago this inspiring account was posted by Bob Sugar and Brad Stevenson as a comment to my post Counting Your Blessing: 5 Ways to Increase Happiness. I decided to publish it as a guest post because it is such a marvellous real-life lesson that can inspire us all.
About 15 years ago I, Bob, experienced a lesson that forever changed my way of thinking and living in the world. My dearest and closest friend Peter, was diagnosed with terminal cancer that would take his life within a period of 9 months. During our 10 years of friendship, Peter taught me many lessons, the most important being that we are all inherently designed to serve and to give to others. He was a living example of this principle. I witnessed and experienced first- hand, his selflessness time and again, spending endless hours devoted to helping others without expectation of reward or profit.
As Peter’s cancer worsened, a few friends and myself decided to organize a silent auction to raise money for he and his family. This undertaking took months of commitment and planning to bring to fruition. So off we went in pursuit of donations, finding a hall for the auction, setting up a drop off place for the donations, and dispersing announcements and fliers throughout the community to inform people about the fundraiser. We had endless preparation meetings as the time moved closer and closer towards the auction. The auction itself involved setting up a treasury account, tracking money, providing drinks and snacks and informing the winners of the auction items.
Although I knew my best friend was dying, this was one of the most satisfying and gratifying experiences of my life. I got so engrossed in being of service, of focusing my energy on Peter and what I could give, that I was happy, as well as disengaged from my own self centeredness. I was participating in this fundraiser out of love and gratitude, in the knowing that Peter and his family would breathe just a little bit easier as a result of our efforts.
The fundraiser was a huge success and the good feeling inside of me lasted for weeks afterwards. In June, 1993 Peter passed away and the loss is too significant to begin to speak about here. However, a part of Peter lives on inside of me that I will take with me to my grave. His modeling of how to live in service to others, taught me as much about living as it did about dying with dignity and grace.
In this day and age we live in increasingly fast paced stressful times, faced with a multitude of challenges. Few of us are insulated from the pressures and demands that come with life.
Whether it’s the need to earn a living in order to support our families, illness of a friend or loved one, aging parents, or stressful relationships, we are continuously attempting to deal with these realities of our lives. Proportionately to the level of stress and demands we are faced with come the challenges of negotiating our internal landscape, with the worry and sometimes accompanying depression that comes along with it.
Stephen Post, a research professor at Case Western Reserve University and Co-Author of “Why Good Things Happen to Good People”, found that since depression, anxiety and stress place a high degree of focus on the self, focusing on the needs of others helps to shift our thinking. He goes on to say that when you are expressing compassion, benevolence, and kindness they push aside the negative emotions. One of the best ways to overcome stress is to do something to help someone else.
Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous understood this giving principle as an inescapable, non-negotiable action that serves to keep the alcoholic sober. Once going through a series of steps that involves rigorous self honesty and clearing away the wreckage of the alcoholics past, the alcoholic is taught through example, to carry the message of recovery to others who suffer from the same affliction. Bill Wilson’s discovery and understanding of this need to be of service to others opened up a door that has resulted in millions of alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, gamblers and sex addicts finding recovery. All of these individuals have come to discover in the recovery process a common thread that keeps them abstaining.
They get to keep their recovery by giving it away in love and service. With this understanding it is now imperative to mention a couple of exceptions to this principle. There are some who live in constant overwhelm as a result of giving, giving and more giving, that can often result in mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. It would be far more beneficial for these caregivers to get some support and help from others, as a way to find some balance and ability to care for themselves more effectively. To equal measure, an individual who is suffering from severe depression should seek out professional help and not attempt to just use the principle of service as an antidote to the depression. Where giving in service can be a useful adjunct, depression must be treated with the help of professionals.
In summation, we are generally much happier when giving and being of service to others. The result is a positive feeling of self worth, motivating us to give and be of service even more. This looping effect feeds on itself, thus creating an increased level of desire to share of ourselves. This whole paradigm is very counter intuitive since we live in a culture that focuses on getting. With fear as the culprit, our society feeds on the need to get and acquire. If we really slow down and strive to ingest the antidote to fear, there can be no denying that living in the world practicing kindness, compassion, consideration and caring, in service to others, would disprove the belief that we have to get and have more in order to be happy or feel secure.
There certainly are no shortages of volunteer programs within our communities that can always use the help of individuals desiring to be of service. Below are a few suggestions where we can channel ourselves in the name of love and service.
- Donate time to a local museum.
- Contribute money to a program that you believe in
- Give some food, clothing or money to a homeless person
- Sit down with a friend in need, and be a good listener
- Go to a local hospital and volunteer to be a baby holder
- Get a group of friends together and start a fundraiser for a charity of your choice
When we give for fun and for free amazing things happen. The greatest paradox of all is: “It is in the giving that we receive and it is in the loosing of self that we find our true nature”.
***
Thank you for this lovely contribution to GoodlifeZen, Bob and Brad! It has certainly made me reflect on how I could make changes to my life – Mary
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Once physical or emotional dependence on a substance takes hold, quitting “cold turkey” is truly easier said than done…
As the co-writer of this article and a recovered drug addict, alcoholic and food addict I couldn’t agree more, New Season. Living in these physical and emotional dependencies almost killed me 25 years ago. I believe that when we are truly addicted, quitting cold turkey is not only hard but often unsafe and undoable without the help of professionals and support groups. Stabilization always trumps service work and giving for its own sake, in my opinion. I do wholeheartedly believe that being into my recovery for a 1/4 of a century and walking a spiritual path allows for the blessings of giving and service to present themselves on a daily basis. I have worked with countless men and women with addictions, trauma, panic and anxiety as well as depression. I have consistently found that once they are “out of the woods” and they are guided towards service and giving, their level of esteem increases while their narcissistic tendencies decrease. I am in awe every time I witness this transformation in people.
I believe in Natural Law, and through the giving and service to others without ulterior motives, what comes back is so much more than I give. This Natural flow ignites me to keep giving and being of service to others. We can all benefit from being a little less self centered and a little more selfless. Blessings to you and thanks for your honest sharing. Bob Sugar
Are one of the guys that talk about Trust, Honesty and Kindness as a way to a better life? I read one of your articles on Being where your feet are! I loved that article. I recognized both of your names and though I needed to read this one as well! Thank you Bob for share your story. I am sure that it was difficult to do so. I went to your web site from DIGG.com and spent over 45 mins reading your stuff.
Thanks to you and Brad
Matt
When we give to another, we give to ourselves, and when we give to ourselves, we give to others. There comes a time when there is absolutely no difference between the two.
We need to do more of this. We need to feel what others are feeling more than we do. It’s a tall emotional order to fill, but somehow, we must realize our relationship with the joy and suffering of others.
This is a good example.
John
What an amazing blog post. Thank You!
Thank-you for a wonderful article and story. As someone who has recovered from binge eating disorder, alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and fibromyalgia, I understand the 12 step idea of “the only way to keep your recovery is to give it away in service.”
The only way to fill your emptiness is to fill it with the love and presence of your own heart. This fullness spills outward and touches everyone you meet. When you have become truly present to yourself, you can then be fully present to others.
When you can fully embrace yourself, you can embrace the entire world.
I like to say, “Gratitude is the sunshine of an open heart.”
We need more open hearts in this world. Thanks for the upper.
Catherine L. Taylor
The Weight Loss Master
http://www.secretsofaweightlossmaster.com
Beautiful article. Thank you Bob, Brad and Mary – hey that almost sounds like a band!
I too have found, particularly in troubled times in my life, that service to others is a powerful instrument in getting perspective on your own problems. I think the balance of how much to give is one I personally have trouble with, but the simple truth is an open and generous heart prospers the most in life, in every way. And sometimes the key is to help people you do not know. It can be less loaded emotionally and the benefits for all concerned are amplified. When we are helped by strangers we are given the opportunity to see the best of humanity and that ca be very healing. And the act of helping strangers can make us feel better about ourselves and give us an opportunity to connect with the invisible thread/spirit that runs through us all. When we help others we indeed feel less alone.
Thanks again for a great read.
Kelly
@Bob and Brad
I love the way you highlight service to others as a way of steadying ourselves in difficult times. So often we tend to contract when we feel out of control and focus only on our needs.
@Kelly
Your idea that it’s easier to help people we don’t know so well is very interesting. I think when we help those closest to us all sorts of demons can arise, such as resentment, expectation that we’ll get something back and so on.
@Catherine L. Taylor
I love the way you put it: “When you have become truly present to yourself, you can then be fully present to others.”
So often – especially when we are in crisis -we shy away from being present with ourselves and then feel isolated and alone – because our inability in being intimate with ourselves prevents us being present with others.
From: Kelly
http://she-power.com
This lovely comment got eaten up by my spam filter by mistake…
Beautiful article. Thank you Bob, Brad and Mary – hey that almost sounds like a band!
I too have found, particularly in troubled times in my life, that service to others is a powerful instrument in getting perspective on your own problems. I think the balance of how much to give is one I personally have trouble with, but the simple truth is an open and generous heart prospers the most in life, in every way. And sometimes the key is to help people you do not know. It can be less loaded emotionally and the benefits for all concerned are amplified. When we are helped by strangers we are given the opportunity to see the best of humanity and that ca be very healing. And the act of helping strangers can make us feel better about ourselves and give us an opportunity to connect with the invisible thread/spirit that runs through us all. When we help others we indeed feel less alone.
Thanks again for a great read.
Kelly
I loved this post and I even mentioned it on my personal blog. I also believe in the power of Thanks and giving away. I watched in a soap opera about muslim traditions a family that everytime they had a good news they would make a party to share their happiness for others. My friend and me started doing the same at our dorm, not only when we were happy, but when we wanted to share something with others.
@Yin
What a lovely idea to have a celebration with others each time we want to share our happiness with others! Another way to do that is to throw a party for someone who has had good news. All too often people don’t feel able to celebrate fully because it might arouse envy in others.
Great idea! I often find myself wanting to celebrate my good news but I’m afraid other people might see it as a show off. I’ll be working on it.
I just read an article also about throwing parties to celebrate divorces and break ups. While I do think these are sad situations, we should always do our best to make our loved ones feel supported.
To all:
My belief is that the universal design is about giving, not getting. The getting is merely the by product of what we give for fun and for free. If I don’t like what I’m getting, then I have to dig deep to see what I am giving that is coming back in kind. My mentor Lee told me on many occasions to give from my (perceived)lack and the void will be filled; sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but it will always materialize through practicing the principle of giving. I have found this principle to be so counter intuitive because my fear says to hold on. I keep learning that it’s just the opposite. I need to keep giving and releasing.