Thanks for this post. I find it fascinatingly helpful as I do pre-nuptial conseling. In this connection I would like to share a terrific insight on the subject from the book, “In Pursuit of Love” by Vincent J. Genovesi where he quotes a writer who marvelously contrasts the two experiences of true love and simply “being in love”:

“Being in love is the high-voltage, circuit-blowing infatuation we’ve all experienced when we connect with someone new. It’s the intoxication of being accepted and desired. It’s the thrill of taking a leap, shedding clothes and inhibitions, being dazzled by the private magnificence of another. Being in love is awesome and enthralling, but in the end, sadly, it’s an emotional sprint. Like a blossoming flower, it’s simply phenomenal to last longer than a season.

Love, by contrast, is a marathon of the heart. It requires training, discipline, endurance and work. It is not a spectator sport or an event whose outcome can be decided in seconds. It is pushing uphills and suffering pain and resisting the temptation to drop out . . . When love is viewed as an act of will . . . it can survive as long as your heart beats.

Put another way, while being in love may sometimes lead to marriage, it’s love that makes a marriage last. More specifically, it’s the deliberate, active commitment implied by love that lies at the core of conjugal bliss.” [p.141]

I’ve always been fascinated by how biology and evolution have influenced our social mores and cultural rituals. You can see the biological drive to reproduce here. It’s so strong we feel compelled to assign more significance to it than it really deserves.

On the other hand, aside from biology, I feel that love is a choice. It’s a big Choice (capital C) and it’s a million little choices we make day by day. Love requires discipline and bravery to go beyond yourself for another. Thanks for writing a post that really gets us to think!

Hi Mary,

The exciting journey from “being in love” to “true/committed love” is indeed challengingly wobbly. Just be careful not to test the waters with both feet. This path demands Time to “smile, breathe and go slowy.”

The article made me remember about how it felt like when I first fell in love with my husband. There was a surge of sentimental thoughts.

Thanks!!

Evelyn

I have been with my husband for almost 11 years now and so I am well and truly in that attachment stage. He is like my twin in so many ways and I love seeing how the connection deepens with time, especially after you have children. Our ability to read each other’s minds and experience the same thoughts even while he’s at work 1.5 hours away amazes me and I couldn’t imagine sharing my life, my heart and soul with another.

That said, I don’t necessarily think long term sexual monogamy is natural for many people, and I do miss the lust stage of relationships. I love the feeling that comes with the first time your eyes lock with someone else, the first kiss, the exploration of a new connection. Physically, this is a beautiful thing and so separate to love. It’s a shame we can’t find a way to have both: an everlasting bond with the perfect soul mate and the occasional fling with someone who gets our hormones racing. I know open relationships exist of course, but from what I’ve seen most human beings just aren’t capable of sharing the body of someone they love. You always pay a price with the soul mate, and for me that would be too high a price.

Kelly

For almost twenty-five years my lovely wife and I are married together and we are entering a new stage in our relationship now all our kids but one have left and our nest is becoming empty. The past twenty years most of the quality time was for the kids and now my wife and I are kind of rediscovering eachother. Not as crazy as in our early years (pity), but more deeper with a capability of sharing long silences with eachother, knowing out of this twenty-five years conquered experience what and what not to touch in eachother. We have more time to spend together and are finding new things to do. We are entering the autumn of our life and this brings its own beauty and wonder. I think it’s an honour to be able to participate in this deepening and silencing of our love. Maybe of all ways the way of a long life partnership is the most ancient and natural mystical way.

Great comment Roy & Amazingmess! I couldn’t have typed it any other way. Thumbs up