Photo by Kelley Mari
I went totally insane last time I fell in love. I could talk about nothing else. I asked my friends over and over whether they thought that he was attracted to me too, or not. Did that look mean something special? Should I ring him or not? I couldn’t think about anything else. When he didn’t contact me, my mood plummeted. When I saw him, I was walking on clouds. Does this sound familiar to you?

Now - eight years later - David and I are a happy loving couple (with a few squabbles to spice things up). 

I read some interesting research by Helen Fisher, one of the leading researchers of romantic love.

She describes what happens when you fall in love:

• A person takes on a special meaning for you: “The world has a new centre”
• You sweep under the carpet what you don’t like about the other person and focus on what we like.
• You have intense energy (intense elation and great despair).
• You become sexually possessive about them.
• You feel an intense craving for the other person
• You’re highly motivated: you want this person
• You’re obsessed and think about this person all day.
• It’s like an addiction: there is activity in a lot of brain areas, especially in the area in which one feels the rush of cocaine.
• Falling in love is not an emotion; it is a drive. It’s even stronger than the sex drive.

According to studies, there are three phases of love, each of which is driven by a certain set of natural chemicals.

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. These hormones as Helen Fisher says “get you out looking for anything”.

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the love-struck phase. People lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters play an important role:

• Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine
• Adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing
• Serotonin - One of love’s most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane!

Stage 3: Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. It’s the bond that keeps couples together. One hormone in particular is important at this stage.

• Oxytocin
  This is released by both sexes during orgasm (that’s why we feel bonded after having sex), and also at childbirth. The theory is that the more orgasms a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.

You can see how nature has created the three phases to enable the continuation of the species. The first phase of lust sends us looking for a partner, the second phase of romantic love narrows our interest to just one person, and the third phase of attachment enables us to stay together, even when the first rush wears off.

Here are some facts about attraction. We are attracted by:

• Symmetrical face

Asymmetry in faces can be a sign of underlying genetic problems. That’s why we are attracted instinctively to symmetrical faces. (This applies more to men than to women)

• The hour-glass figure
• 
  

Studies show that men prefer women with a waist to hip ratio of 0.7. (You can calculate your own using this formula:
waist measurement ÷ hip measurement = ratio.

• Someone who looks similar

Have you noticed how many married couples look quite similar? Studies have shown that more than anything we prefer somebody who looks just like we do. See if you can spot who are the couples in this batch of individual photographs.

In a busy life it’s sometimes difficult to meet fitting partners. That’s why Internet dating sites are very popular. Have you ever taken out an ad to find a partner? I tried that once before I met David. At the time I was working as a psychotherapist. Imagine my toe-curling embarrassment when I realised that a guy who had answered my ad was actually a client of mine. And he even started talking about answering an ad in the session with me! Oh dear… I tried to keep my face as blank as possible but I could feel a pink tide rising.

You can discover the science behind dating ads by taking a ‘lonely hearts’ test. The test was published by the BBC. It’s very interesting, as it tells you something about how you see yourself, as well as who you are really looking for).

I wonder, what’s your experience of falling in love? Please share your stories with us.

***
© Mary Jaksch 2008

Photo by S. Affandi

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Compassion for our fellow human being is a cornerstone of many the world’s spiritual traditions. It is one of the great transformative human emotions because in showing compassion we transcend he constraints of our self and embrace a broader, more open-minded view of life that emphasizes human connectedness rather than individuality. This sense of kinship brings insight and healing both to ourselves and to the people toward whom we demonstrate compassion.

The key to compassion is empathy.

Without the ability to feel our way into how life feels like for others, we won’t be able to respond with compassion. Here is how Fyodor Dostoevsky, the great Russian writer described his experience of empathy:

Listening to people talking I could enter into their lives, feel their tattered clothes on my back, walk with my feet in their shoes; their desires, their needs, all passed into my soul, or my soul passed into theirs.

 

It is a balm for the soul when someone reaches out to us and tries to tune in to what is going on for us.

I remember a moment last year when I was very worried about financial matters. I tried to bottle up my anxiety and keep my ordinary life going. One day I was sitting at the hairdressers feeling tight and stressed. A young stylist came up behind me an placed her hands gently on my shoulders. Then she asked, “How are things going for you?” I immediately began to cry. Afterwards I felt a great relief. It was as if this simple gesture and question had allowed me to get in touch with what was going on for me.

The difficulty is that we can’t really know exactly what someone’s experience is like. Experience is something unique to each individual and each moment. But if we let go of pre-formed ideas and allow ourselves to be open to what the other person may be feeling, we can get a sense of how they are.

If our ultimate goal is to show compassion to everyone, we might assume that it would be easy to start with the person closest to us - our partner.

It’s often easier to show compassion towards a complete stranger than toward the person we love most.

When we see our partner suffering, we often respond with anxiety or frustration instead of compassion. This is because any suffering we see in our partner can trigger a fear of loss and a sense of helplessness in us. After all, our lives are intimately intertwined and we can be sure that whatever suffering our partner is experiencing will impinge on our own life as well. All these uncomfortable emotions, such as fear and resentment, can get in the way of feeling compassionate toward our partner. And yet it’s vital to practise compassion in relationship because it is the path to forgiveness and can be a lifeline for your partner in times of grief and pain.

Even in the most fortunate lives there will be periods of grief and mourning, when compassion will be requires. If your loved one is suffering, you may find that you are pulled in two different directions: on one hand, you may feel an instinctive aversion to their anguish or pain and wish to turn away from it. On the other hand, you may find yourself wanting almost to embrace their suffering, to take on the burden and “make it better” for your partner.

Think back to an occasion when your partner broke down in mental anguish - for example, on hearing of a bereavement - ore endured severe physical pain. What was your response? If you find such suffering hard to face, remember that breathing - centering yourself through breathing slowly and deeply will give you the strength to show your compassion when it is most needed.

There is a Tibetan Buddhist practice that allows us to connect with our own suffering and that of others. It is called Tonglen. It is a way of awakening the compassion that is in each one of us, no matter how cold or unfeeling we might seem. Teacher Pema Chodron gives the following instructions:

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain…

 

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness.

Compassion is not just a luxury that we can afford when our life is going well. To cultivate compassion and empathy is essential for the survival or our species.

***
© Mary Jaksch

Photo by artct45

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures - Thornton Wilder

 

Gratitude makes us happier. That’s what many spiritual traditions maintain. Now scientific research backs such claims. And that’s what we can easily observe in our own life and that of others.

Here’s an example: I recently caught up with a friend of mine, Petra M., a young woman in her late twenties. I was surprised to find her in a buoyant mood, even though she was experiencing some challenges in her life. (In the past, I knew her to be easily defeated and deflated by life problems).
“You seem a lot happier. What’s happened?” I asked.
“I realised I was always focusing on the negative things.”
“And now?”
“I’ve realised that I can change mind channels.”
“You sound like a TV remote!”
“It’s a bit like that. I can switch from negative thoughts to positive ones.”
“And what kind of thoughts do you switch to?”
“Thoughts about being grateful for the good things in my life. That’s made me happier.”

It’s not only Petra who finds herself happier through gratitude practice. Scientist have found that grateful people

• Show higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, and optimism
• Experience lower levels of depression and stress
• Have more capacity for compassion
• Are rated as more generous and helpful by other people
• Are more likely to have a spiritual practice
• Place less importance on materialism.
• Are more likely to make progress towards important personal goals
• Exercise more regularly, report fewer physical symptoms, and feel heathier.

Here are 5 powerful gratitude exercises:

1. Keep a gratitude journal

Write down everything you are grateful for at least once a week. According to research by Professor Robert A. Emmons, University of California, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercise more regularly, report fewer physical symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and are more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who record hassles or neutral life events. They are also more likely to make progress toward important personal goals.

2. Count your blessings

Before you fall asleep, reflect on the day and identify 5 things you are grateful for.
According to Prof. Emmons, a group of young adults who did a daily gratitude exercise, such as the one above, showed higher levels of positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to those participants who focussed on hassles or negative comparisons.

3. Tell your friends and others that you are grateful to them

In his book ‘Authentic Happiness’, Prof. Martin Seligman suggests a powerful way of practising gratitude:

• Choose an important person in your past to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks.

• Write a testimonial of 1 page and laminate it.

• Meet with the person face to face and read out the testimonial.

When reflecting on this exercise it occurred to me that some people to whom I am grateful to are dead. So, what I did was to write the testimonial page, go to a secluded bend in the river, read the page aloud and then offer it to the waters. That was very powerful for me!

4. See adversity as an opportunity to learn and grow

We knew all about this when we were toddlers! We would fall and get up, fall and get up - and it was all part of learning to walk. It’s important to remind ourselves that failing is and integral part of learning.

5. Change from negative to positive thoughts

I saw an interesting suggestion by Aynsley Smith, director of the sports-medicine research center at the Mayo Clinic. She has a very simple method of training her sports students to dwell on positive thoughts, instead of on negative issues. She asks her students to carry a clicker pen around with them. Whenever they notice they are dwelling on negative issues, they are asked to click the pen. This acts as a trigger to change one’s ‘thought channel’.

I tried it and it works! For sure it’s a great skill to be able to change our thoughts. At the same time, I sometimes wonder whether the relentless emphasis on ‘positive’ thoughts impoverishes our life. After all, to yearn, to grieve, or to doubt - that too means to be human. What do you think?

If you want to see whether these ‘gratitude interventions’ make you happier, you can take a test here to see how happy you are before trying them out. (This is the General Happiness Scale according to Prof. Martin Seligman). Then repeat the test two weeks later and see if there is any change.

What is your experience of gratitude?

***

This is Part 5 of the ‘Secrets of Wellbeing’ Series.

© Mary Jaksch 2008

2. photo by Manuel Alfonso Arpa
Related links:
Read about gratitude research results.
Article on gratitude interventions.

Don’t miss Mary Jaksch’s earlier articles in the ‘Secrets of Wellbeing’ series:
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 1: Authentic Happiness
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 2: How to Use Your Signature Strengths
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 3: Future happiness? Why we get it so wrong
Secrets of Wellbeing Series — Part 4: Does More Choice Make us Happier?