Photo by Amerune
A Zen student asked me recently, “Why does it take so long attain enlightenment? Do we have to crawl through the desert to get there?”
The problem of ‘attaining’
If you think of attaining something, the world breaks into two: on one side is the person who is striving to attain something, and on the other is the object that he or she is striving for. But the experience of awakening is the reverse: It is a moment of total intimacy where the boundary between ‘self’ and ‘other’ is dissolved.
To taste awakening, we have to let go of ‘gaining’, as we walk further and further into what is unknown and unknowable.
Awakening can happen in a sudden burst, or it may sneak up on you over time. You may experience a moment when there is just the call of a bird, or the flush of the toilet, or a word heard in passing–and nothing else. That moment fills the whole universe.
Each experience is different. But most experiences have two aspects in common. One is a preliminary sense of gathering, the other is a final sense of deep familiarity.
Gathering
Often there is a sense that spiritual energy is gathering as someone moves closer to awakening. In this process of gathering, people will often come up to the edge of the precipice, and, instead of taking wing, they will shrink back in fear. Each person has their particular pattern of backing off. One person will quickly retreat into intellectual thought, whereas another will find a pressing emotion to attend to. Anything, but anything to get back to what is safe and known!
If this happens, please don’t berate yourself. What it means is that you are not yet ready to hold and live the experience. Your dance of stepping forward and shrinking back is your own particular process of gathering.
Familiarity
The second aspect of awakening is a deep sense of familiarity. It is like meeting a long-lost friend and realise that he or she is non other than oneself. It is as if we fall into our own arms and exclaim, “What took you so long?”
I recently came across the following poem by Shail Gulhati called ‘Zen’ that includes the lines:
Zen
is the art of arrival
to a place
where you have always been.
What does it take to awaken?
Two factors are especially important. One is a strong spiritual aspiration. The other is regular, dedicated meditation practice. It takes time and effort to finally realise that what we seek for is already there – has always been there since before time began.
Robert Aitken says in his book The Gateless Barrier:
People sometimes ask me, “How long will it take?”
My answer is: “No time at all!”
“But, I have been doing zazen for ten years-why isn’t anything happening?”
Exactly: nothing is happening, though your realisation of that fact may be evolving.
If awakening is your aspiration, keep on walking, keep on knocking. Trust the process.
The poet Rumi said:
Keep knocking, and the joy within
Will eventually open a window
And look out to see who’s there.***
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
We deeply yearn for something but we don’t know what. We yearn for enlightenment yet we don’t know what enlightenment is. The great suffering of our lives is so related to ourselves that even the idea that what I’m looking for could be me, seems ridiculus. It seems that enlightment must be something other than me. I found only in meditation, in being present in the moment do I feel that this very experience, me, is alright, that there is nothing but this. I cannot avoid practicing meditation if I want to experience freedom, even though books seemed to offer me so much. I found eventually I had to just sit and be present, no book or idea could really give me anything.
@ Shona
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Shona. I was hesitant about writing this post. You response made the effort worthwhile!
Hi, Mary,
One question I think I have is how do you know when it’s awakening? I’ve had two recent experiences that feel right. One was about a year and a half ago. I saw a decaying leaf on the ground. Only its veins remained. Suddenly, the whole world seemed clearer and yet dreamlike. Or clearer in being dreamlike. The problems of others seemed important and yet of no importance at all. The same was true of my problems. This experience reawakened my Buddhism, which had begun to lapse.
The second was on midwinter’s day, after reading a concise copy of the writings of Master Hui-Neng and the meditating. Suddenly “my” mind became still and clear and his words made sense.
In both cases, I’m trying to describe something I don’t think can be described.
Ian.
@Ian
I’ve sent you an email in response so that we can talk about this in private, Ian.
Let me say some general things here. Awakening experiences come in different shapes and sizes. An awakening experience can be just a fleeting tongue-tip touch or a profound turning point in one’s life. The former is like walking in Autumn fog: suddenly the fog lifts for a moment and you can see the shape of trees and hills and then the mist closes in again. The latter is a life-changing experience. And this change revolves around how we perceive the ‘self’ and the world.
Important is how the experience shapes your life. Some questions one can ask after an experience are:
Do you feel encouraged?
Has this experience confirmed you on your spiritual path?
Has it given you confidence?
The fog lifted for me once a few years ago and my life has never been the same. I knew immediately that all the books I had read, all the yoga and meditation I had done, anything and everything I had done trying to learn and understand, trying to get somewhere, trying to achieve something, trying to improve myself, all that only kept me away from finding the truth. I must have approached it the wrong way, I tried too hard. May be it was a good preparation, I don’t know, but it didn’t get me there. A nice afternoon walk in the forest got me there. When the fog lifts, the fog lifts. What I suddenly realized was that the truth is so incredibly simple, so utterly simple, it is such a joke…. you can’t describe it, you can’t squeeze it into words, it is far too real for words, who is there to describe it?, it cannot be understood, you can’t seek it or find it because it is simply too close. You are not seperate any longer. You are not dreaming any longer. You are awake and there is no more “you” and no more “other”. So simple. Such a joke. I love it when you say it is like meeting a long lost friend and he is you and falling into each other’s/your own arms. Coming home again. WOW. And that long lost friend, your own self, has been in front of you all your life, waiting patiently for the fog to lift and for you to come home. You have been facing each other all your life without recognition. Too much fog in between. What a moment when you finally meet. That was my experience and it has changed my life, I feel totally encouraged and totally confident even while I’m stuck in deep fog again. I was told not to make a thing of this experience but also not to underestimate it. Ahhh well, I might as well share it. Cheers.
@ Arne
Thank your lovely comment, Arne.
Your confidence and joy leaps out of your words!
That confidence is an interesting thing. It’s like putting one’s hand in water. At that moment you know whether it’s warm or cold – and nobody can tell you otherwise.
I like the recommendations that were given to you. Very wise. The words ‘Don’t make a thing of this experience’, warns you not to think that you are now special. It also implies that it’s important not to make the experience into a thought. The words ‘Don’t underestimate it’ encourages you to respect the experience. I think it also implies that it’s important to let the experience sicker into every part your life.
Rumi is one of my favorite poets. As far as the question in the title of this post, I don’t think we need to crawl through the dessert to get enlightened. However, I believe each of us must evolve to feel ready to learn, to confront our own self-created illusions, to move toward unconditional acceptance and unwavering love. These sorts of beliefs imply learning to experience life beyond distractions of ego. Not everyone would consider this kind of “change of heart” a sacrifice.
I liked your post=)
@Jardar
Welcome to GoodlifeZen, Jardar!
Mary……..Very good……very helpful. I have found that it is as Dogen tells us, that it is as close as the ground that we walk on or the air that we breathe.
Please tell us about yourself. Is it possible to meet you and perhaps sit together.
Where do you live, lineage etc.
Thanks….gassho.
Sui un
I think crawling through the desert is very powerful. If you are disciplined enough to achieve enlightenment sitting by your computer, great. But the desert humbles the ego, it strips away civilization, it leaves you naked with yourself, unbound and ownerless, open and vulnerable. It rids you of material worries and confronts you so that you have to grow.
Another though-provoking article.
I believe that we can become wise and grow spiritually on our own, but we have to take the steps for ourselves.
For someone who has “crawled through the desert”, they reach understanding or enlightenment because they are forced to be stuck in a situation.
They are not bombarded with the distractions of every day life as we are. They are stripped of these obstacles.
But for us, who have normal lives, it is up to US to “put ourselves in that desert”.
Ignore the distractions and motivate ourselves to just keep going.