Happiness is not something we can buy. And it’s not something others can give us. Can we learn to be happy?
Happiness is about being connected
If we learn to be more deeply connected with others, we become happier. There are ancient Buddhist teachings called the Four Noble Abodes which focus on learning how to connect. The four abodes or modes of being are loving-kindness, compassion, gladness, and equanimity. These four mind-states can be cultivated and lead to more happiness . Let’s take a look at first of the Noble Abodes, loving-kindness.
Loving-kindness makes us feel happier
Loving-kindness is a heartfelt wish for happiness and wellbeing. When we are loving and kind, we tend to be more patient, tender, gentle, and generous. You can see that loving-kindness is the perfect antidote to dislike, resentment, hatred, fear, and bitterness. And there is a clear connection between loving-kindness and happiness. As Sharon Salzberg points out:
Great fullness of being, which we experience as happiness, can also be described as love.
Let’s take a look at the practical consequences of such a thought. Are there people in your life that you dislike? What about your boss, your ex-partner, or your noisy neighbour? Quite simply, if you think that only your own wellbeing matters and everyone else can go to hell, you will not end up particularly happy.
Are you kind to yourself?
Maybe you are a person who is kind to everyone, yet is still unhappy? If so, let me ask you: how do you treat yourself? Are you kind and loving? Do you forgive yourself for mistakes? Do you encourage yourself? No? There you have it then.
The first step toward more happiness is to be kind to oneself. That’s why most instructions on how to practice loving-kindness meditation (metta) suggest focussing on oneself at first. A simple way to do this is to say silently on the outbreath: “May I be happy and at ease.” If you find it difficult to access a feeling of loving-kindness, you can try two things:
- gently place you hand on your chest region as you say this
- remember a time when you felt tenderness (maybe for your favourite pet?) to access the feeling of loving-kindness. Which one works best for you?
Metta is a wonderful medicine. Take it often as possible. Notice how happiness increases when you practise loving-kindness. After all, happiness is not an individual matter.
We’re all in this together
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I find that I am often the last person who gets any of my own kindness! I still carry with me the perfectionism I developed as a child, and I can be incredibly hard on myself when I don’t live up to my (often unrealistic) self-imposed expectations.
Metta practise has helped to soften my heart a little bit. I like to imagine that I am cuddling my favourite doggie friend, and I say to myself: ‘may I be happy, may I be at ease’, and this helps to generate feelings of warmth and love which I dedicate to myself.
Thank you for your sharing your experience, Jane. As you point out, we are often our worst enemy. The difficulty is that we can’t divorce from ourself! We have to live with this tyrant or transform him or her through loving-kindness. It’s lovely to hear that metta is working for you! What difference do you notice in your life?
When I do this I have the feeling that I have another person on my side – me. Which can make a big difference in how I perceive and experience the world.
Thank you, Jane. Your comment makes me think how good it is to have a team cheering us on – even if it’s a team of one!
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This “metta method” sounds positively great. As you and one person’s comment said, they practice “metta-tation” while imagining holding their favorite pet. I know that my chihuahua/rat terrier, Peanut, employs in me a pure and genuine feeling of kindness and love. Not to mention a connection to nature because it’s an animal that you share a relationship with! Which is truly amazing.
I’m certainly going to take a healthy dose of “metta-cation” every day now!
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Marty Seligman (U of Penn) and Daniel Gilbert (Harvard) have demonstrated that, yes, no doubt we can learn to be happier, just like we can “learn” to be unhappy or helpless. These two academicians have not only contributed an incredible amount of theory, data, and quality research to this arena, but they’ve given us a wealth of practical ideas that we can immediately apply to our lives.