By Janice Hunter of Sharing the Journey

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. ~Robert Orben

Do you dream of a chill out holiday at the beach? Do you long to escape your daily routine and find happiness in an exotic place? So did I, but something happened…

Our oven is on its last legs. Two nights ago, it sighed warm breath over a pizza that took thirty five minutes to cook. I looked at my husband. He looked at me and we knew we had to tell the kids.

After we’d eaten, we asked them how they’d feel about not going away anywhere on holiday this year. We’d both accepted that it isn’t just the oven that needs replaced; two of the gas rings don’t work properly, some of our kitchen cabinets are beyond repair and some of the countertops are so old, they’re crumbling at the edges. We have maintenance work to do throughout the whole house.

I was poised, ready to explain to the kids that in the current economic climate, we may have to move house and ours needs to be in good repair – not just cosy and family friendly. We were ready to console them, to suggest a short break in October, day trips and lots of alternative plans and lists of exciting things to do. We waited.

My heart ached at the thought of our loved ones over in Greece, of the long conversations we have in the cooler evening air on their terraces and verandahs overlooking the sea. How they spoil the kids with gifts and favourite meals and ice creams while shaking their heads in disbelief at how much they’ve grown.

I thought of the long days we spend on the beach, laughing, playing simple ball games, dripping sea-wet hair onto magazines, puzzle books and holiday paperbacks, lying on beach towels and sandy loungers, smelling of suntan cream and summer.

I thought of reassuring rituals, quiet family times alone on jasmine scented balconies, playing Yahtzee and card games and strolling along the bustling seafront in the evening, choosing which noisy laughter-filled taverna to have a meal in.

I longed for a table beneath the stars, for bouzouki music and endless salads and village bread, and plate upon plate of mezedhes – tzatziki, wrinkled olives, aubergine and courgette fritters, tangy feta cheese and giant beans baked in a tomato, olive oil and herb sauce – all washed down with retsina from the barrel out back.

My teenage daughter responded first. “You know,” she said, “I’d love to just chill out at home for a change. I’m really tired.” My son agreed, told us how he longed to just sleep until he woke, with no thoughts of alarm clocks, school or after-school hobbies. They both went on to explain that they enjoy everything they do at school, but are bone-weary, tired of timetables and homework.

Stunned – relieved – I asked them if they’d miss Greece, swimming every day, eating out…

“I won’t miss airports,” said my son. “Or mosquitos,” said my daughter, “…or having to get up early to swim because we can’t go outside at mid-day when it’s too hot.”

My husband and I sat there, listening, as they made the perfect case for an at-home holiday, a staycation, talking of how they loved the idea of a few weeks on holiday here, savouring the things they have little time for during a busy school year; the books they wanted to catch up on, the songs my daughter planned to learn on her guitar and all the sleeping late they were longing to do in the damp, cool Scottish mornings.

“If it’s sunny,” said my son, looking at me, knowing what I love most about holidays, “we can drive to a Scottish beach. The waves sound the same.”

“We can go to Edinburgh or Glasgow,” said my daughter, who, like me, loves bustling crowds of foreigners as much as serenity and silence “We can pretend to be tourists, sit in cafés, go to galleries…”

I suddenly thought how much fun it would be to capture Edinburgh on camera, to send postcards of hills and lochs and castles to my friends abroad.

I thought how my daughter could play her guitar every day and my son could play football outside for as long as he liked without me worrying about sunstroke or dehydration.

I thought of all the unread books lying around waiting to be read, books I could enjoy after a day’s gardening or decorating, or on a Scottish beach, when I wasn’t gathering bits of driftwood or shells.

I thought how good it would be to get the house fixed, to get rid of all the tolerations and little jobs we’d been putting off. To gut the attic and create a cosy new kitchen. To have months and years of feeling ‘clean and clear’ for the price of a holiday in the sun.

I hadn’t realized we’d been focusing so much on the benefits of an annual holiday that we’d never given the kids the option of staying at home, had never encouraged them to talk about what they don’t like about going away. I hadn’t realised how much those few weeks in Greece keep me anchored in the past and how many weeks of my life I dream away, longing for a pre-arranged change of scene.

A change of scene begins with a change of thoughts.

We don’t always need new vistas; sometimes it’s enough to see what we already have with new eyes and be grateful. If we can’t be happy where we are, with what we have, how can we ever be truly happy somewhere else?

The next night, my husband came back from the supermarket carrying a bottle of retsina and the brand of ice cream the kids eat on holiday. “May as well start early,” he smiled.

Photo 1 by murplej@ne – brutally architorturedPhoto 2 by mnadiPhoto 3 by mnadi;

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved ~William Jennings Bryan

We can become agents of change in all areas of life – and be happier for it.

That’s what psychological research tells us. But what if circumstances are so brutal that it seems impossible to effect change? What if we were imprisoned or tortured?

On September 25, 1942, Victor Frankl, a Viennese psychiatrist, was arrested and deported to the Theresienstadt concentration camp, together with his wife and parents. Here is what he said:

Most people in a concentration camp believed that the real opportunities of life had passed. Yet, in reality, there was an opportunity and a challenge. One could make a victory of those experiences, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did a majority of the prisoners.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a person but the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances – to choose one’s own way. ~ Viktor Frankl

Viktor Frankl worked as a doctor in the camps and saved many lives. He also set up a mental health unit where he worked to prevent suicides. His family members perished in the camps. But Frankl survived against all odds, and went on to be on to be one of the great Viennese psychiatrists.

The ability to choose our destiny is due to the power of the mind.

In order to understand more fully how the mind can change reality – and to separate fact from hype – I’ve enrolled in a paper on Positive Psychology. Tal Ben-Shahar is running an online course through the University of Pennsylvania. (He’s the teacher who did a series of lectures on Positive Psychology at Harvard. The first week he had 40 students, the next 150 and then the class then quickly climbed to a record 800!)

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. ~ William James

I’ll be writing a series of posts on the power of the mind based on Tal Ben-Shahar’s course.

First I want to introduce the idea of self-efficacy, which means the power of producing an effect. The term was coined by psychologist Albert Bandura in 1994. You can find the link to his research article here.  Bandura’s ideas and research results are crucial steps in understanding the power of the mind.

To believe in our self-efficacy means that we believe we have what it takes to succeed.

We don’t have to extraordinary in order to change not only our life but those of others. Ordinary people can become great agents of change. On December 1, 1955 an unknown seamstress changed the world by doing something very simple. She wouldn’t budge from her bus seat in Montgomery, Alabama. This was Rosa Parks, the ‘mother’ of the Civil Rights Movement. The law at that time said that a black person should give up their seat to a white person, but Rosa Parks staid sitting on her seat.

You don’t have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things. You can be just an ordinary chap, sufficiently motivated to reach challenging goals ~Edmund Hillary

What happens when we feel that our effort can make a difference?

That’s a very important question. Because life feels radically different, depending on whether you believe that you can make a difference by your effort, or whether you think that no matter what you do, nothing is going to change.

Please consider your life for a moment. Are there areas where you feel effective, and others where you don’t?

What would happen if you believed you have what it takes to effect change – even in the difficult areas of your life?

Self-trust is the essence of heroism. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

How do we create a feeling of effectiveness?

Bandura lays out four ways:

1. Success breeds success.

We create a sense of effectiveness by ‘mastery experiences’. What that means is that success builds a robust sense of effectiveness. And failure can undermine this confidence – especially if failure happens before a sense of self-efficacy is firmly established.

Bandura adds an interesting rider:

Early success is dangerous

If we experience only success at the start of an endeavor, we come to expect easy results and are discouraged by failure.

I think that’s true. In my eighteen years of martial arts training, I saw a lot of talented people come – and go. The ones who struggled and had to work hard at their success tended to stay.

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.Robert F. Kennedy

2. Role-models can heighten belief in oneself

I’m sure we’ve all experienced that. The way we think about a good role-model is: “If he/she can do it, I can too!”  The key to choosing a role-model is that we must be able to identify with her or him, otherwise their success doesn’t lift us up, it pulls us down.

3. Our self-belief grows when others encourage us

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lit the flame within us. ~Albert Schweitzer

Bandura called this third way of strengthening people’s beliefs that they have what it takes to succeed: ’social persuasion’. What we need in life is at least one person to believe in us.

How can we become that one person?

I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a ‘transformer’ in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. ~ Stephen Covey

Each of us can be a mentor, an encouraging parent, teacher, neighbor or friend!

We can give appreciation and encouragement freely – we are not diminished by this. If anything, we grow and become happier when we encourage others!

Thousand candles can be lit from just one candle; the life of the candle is not shortened. The Buddha

4. We can strengthen our self-belief when we learn to interpret emotional and physical reactions positively.

Imagine that you’re about to go on stage and address a packed hall. You are offstage but you can hear the audience. The lights are on and you are minutes away from walking up to the podium. By now you have butterflies in your stomach, your knees start to knock. Your mouth is dry and your pulse is racing. Right?

You can lift your performance through giving these symptoms a positive meaning. This is what Bandura means when he says that the interpretation we put on our emotional and physical responses is a factor in creating effectiveness.

For example, if you feel nervous about public speaking, you can change your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself, “Oh, I’m so nervous, I can’t do it!”,  you can say to yourself, “Good! You’re keyed up. You need that in order to perform well.”

You cannot prevent the birds of worry and care from flying over your head. But you can stop them from building a nest in your head.

When we talk about the power of the mind, we are essentially talking about changing our habitual stories.

“Nothing I can do will make a difference” is a story. So is, “I know I’ve got what it takes.” One is passive and leads to suffering. The other has drive and can create happiness and success.

Reddit Code Here

In his comment on my post How to Learn (Almost) Anything and Feel Incredible Doing It, reader Kirk Fisher said:

All stories keep us from truly seeing our lives with openness. Would you agree?

I’m not sure. Maybe we always live by stories. Even the most exalted aspiration is nothing but a story. Maybe some stories are skillful, and others are not.

What do you think?

Photo by estherase>

Has this ever happened to you? You get into the car, turned on the ignition and step on the gas. But the car doesn’t move. Because… you’ve left the handbrake on!

You might wonder what starting a car has to do with learning (almost) anything?

It’s difficult to learn if you leave the brakes on.

The brakes are our negative beliefs and preconceptions. When we find and release the brakes, learning becomes easy.

The human mind is a learning machine.

Consider toddlers for a moment. In a short time they learn two incredibly complex skills – talking and walking. And they learn them at the same time. Toddlers can even learn two or more different languages at once. (I grew up biligual and learned English and German right from the start.)

To learn with ease we need to be clear about the following four questions:

1. Who’s driving?
2. Have you released the brakes?
3. What’s your destination?
4. Where’s your map?

Let’s take up each question in turn.

1. Who’s driving?

This is about motivation. Is the skill you’re planning to learn something you ’should’ do? If so, your motivation is external. It’s directed by other people. Or are you passionate about learning this new skill? In that case, your motivation is internal.

Your motivation needs to be internal because ‘shoulds’ have no power for sustained action. If your motivation is external, see if you can find some internal motivation to carry your learning forward. Ask yourself, ‘How will this new skill benefit me?’

2. Have you released the brakes?

Are your negative beliefs and your self-talk limiting your learning potential? It’s easy to find out: listen to what you thinking and saying.

In my case I noticed three negative beliefs that were putting the brakes on learning how to produce videos. They were: “I’m not good with technical stuff”, “I’m not good at learning to use new software”, and “I’m not a visual person.”

As you can imagine, these three negative beliefs made learning how produce a video nearly impossible! Each aspect was affected – from handling the camera to editing the video or publishing it on the Net. Once I noticed what I was doing, I changed my storylines. I told myself and others: “I can learn to operate cameras easily”, “I’m pretty good with new software”, and “My eye is getting better with practice.”

The result? I’ve surprised myself. I’m learning my new skill much faster than I expected!

3. What’s your destination?

In order to drive to your destination you need fuel. What fuels our learning journey are clear goals.

The key question is: Why do you want to learn a particular skill?

The more precisely you can answer that question, the easier it is to learn. Let’s take an example. As I said before, I’m learning video skills. If I phrased my goal like this: “I want to produce good videos to use on Goodlife Zen”, I would get no traction. Because the goal is to vague. In contrast, “I want to produce five videos on how to meditate”, gave me a clear destination for my journey of learning.

4. Where’s your map?

If you set out with a clear destination but without a map, you’ll run into problems. A map is important because it shows you how to get to your destination. So, how do we get a map? Well, we can develop parts of the map ourselves and then ask an instructor to fill in further details.

Our initial map could include:

• Answer questions one to four above
• Choose an instructor
• Find a buddy
• Start your learning journey
• Set and celebrate milestones

A map helps you when you lose your way. You can revisit it and look at how far you’ve come and plot your next phase of the journey.

In order to enjoy your learning journey and feel great, here are some important tips:

Choose good instruction

No matter what you want to learn, you’ll need to choose an instructor. This can be an instructor who works with you face-to-face, or it can be a book, articles on the net, or training programs.

Unfortunately most instructors don’t know how to teach beginners.

Their own experience as beginners lies so far back that they can’t remember it. What is clear to the instructor may be incomprehensible to a new student.

Tip: Choose an instructor who is able to guide you step by little step.

If you want to learn from a book, make sure that it’s written in a way that introduces you carefully to each new step. Personally, I tend to learn best from live instructors – whether I see them in real-time, or whether they run a program on the Net. The reason for that is that I need to be able to ask questions.

Sometimes we get stuck in the learning process because we don’t understand the next step. A question to an instructor can often see us right.

Good instruction can be expensive. Make sure you research the instructor thoroughly. Take a trial lesson if possible. And check out testimonials.

Buddy up

To learn on your own can be lonely. It’s important to share the highs and lows with other learners. Learning with others also keeps you up to the mark. This is the advantage of learning in a class. But even if you are learning in a virtual environment, finding a buddy is an important step.

Maybe your instructor can link you up with another learner. Or you can find someone in a forum who is on the same journey of learning.

Start your learning journey NOW

Once you’ve identified your initial map and found instruction, you need to start your learning journey without delay. If you’re not sure how to start, ask yourself a question:

“What is the smallest step in my learning journey that I can take right now?” Then follow through.

Keep going

It’s easy to give up. I’m sure all of us have experience of giving up. Why do we give up? It may be that we haven’t released our brakes, or the learning journey seems too difficult.

If you feel like giving up, check out the following questions:

• Have I released the brakes?
• What is the step I’m struggling with?
• Am I still focused on my destination?

You may find that your negative self-talk reappears when you strike a difficulty on your learning journey. Make sure that you replace your negative view with a positive one.

If you are struggling with your learning material, try to pinpoint where the difficulty lies. Maybe you can formulate a question that you can ask your instructor, your buddy or on the Net.

If you feel like giving up, remind yourself of your destination. Write you goals on big sheets of paper and hang them up in your home.

Celebrate milestones

Celebrating achievement is what makes us feel great about learning. Make sure you identify milestones and celebrate them!

Human beings are designed for life-long learning. Each new skill will enrich your life and make you feel good about yourself. The great thing is that with each positive learning experience, the next one becomes easier.

What is your experience with learning journeys? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.